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This is where you have the chance of emailing me with your problems. I'm offering a limited exchange of emails - which will be a form of short-term, or time-limited counselling. It may seem improbable that much change can be brought about in just a few email exchanges but the example below illustrates just what can be achieved in a short space of time.
Let me know if you'd be happy to have your emails aired here - publicly. That, after all, is what's going to make this website work for the greatest number of people. ...so that we can all share in each others' experience and journeys. However, let's not forget that you can easily remain totally anonymous simply by choosing an alias. And no one will ever know it's you!
Here's the example mentioned earlier....
Dear Dilys,
I would really appreciate your help right now. Or at least your advice.
I am currently 28 years old and live with my boyfriend. We?ve been together for 5 years and living together for two.
We've always got on really well. Until recently I viewed him as my best friend and we shared everything. We don't row much at all and if we do it's usually because one of us is tired out. We both have high-powered jobs and sometimes there simply don't seem to be enough hours in the day...and that's when the relationship suffers. I know sometimes I've been a bit unkind when I've been tired. And snapped at him once too often. But we usually make up pretty quickly.
However, it seems that living together for this long has taken some of the excitement away. Certainly our sex life isn't what it used to be. It used to be a vital part of the relationship. Something I felt glued us together. Now, I don?t know when we last made love. And neither of us has mentioned it! I feel he'd probably like it more often. But if so, why doesn't he say?
Also I?m worried that maybe we're so close we've begun a) to take each other for granted and b) to view each other like siblings rather than mates. I don't want to cheat on him, it's not in my nature, but I do sometimes look at other men and just wonder what it would be like with them?
What do you reckon? Any advice?
C
Dear C
A bit of the ?sparkle? has clearly gone out of this relationship for both of you. The way you describe it, it certainly sounds as if you've settled into a brotherly-sisterly relationship. If you find yourself looking at other men and wondering, it does sound as if your relationship has shifted away from the all-embracing, all-powerful, really exciting and sexually active relationship that it presumably once was...?
But the really good thing is that you sound properly in touch with all these feelings. That's the best news for it means you're in a really good position to do something about the situation.
There are lots of things you could do to try and revive the sexual relationship. You could go for some sex therapy?or try your own (more on that later.) But have a think about your gut reaction to reading that suggestion? Does it feel too much like hard work? Or are you attracted to the idea? Your gut feelings is probably a good guide here. If you feel you can?t be bothered to try... then I?d suggest perhaps that very fact is telling you that you've fallen out of love.
Think too about what you're looking for from other men. Are you just enjoying looking? Or are you considering - and hankering after - a full and vibrant sex life with someone new?..? Imagine a scenario where you split up with your b/f and are single again. How important would a good sex-life be then?
Weighing all these things up may help you work out just how much your feelings for your boyfriend have changed.
As for what I said earlier about helping improve your sex life together, without going for therapy, it is possible. It usually involves a) being totally upfront and honest with each other about what?s wrong and then b) working out some ways between you to make things better. All of this really requires a good degree of intimacy. In other words, you need to re-visit those early stages of your relationship where you felt able to tell each other everything and had no shyness about stating precisely what turned you on and asking for it from each other. If you can recapture that frankness and openness that will bode well for your relationship. If you can't see a way to recapturing the intimacy, then that surely will be telling you something.
Dilys
Dear Dilys
Thank you. Reading your reply made everything clear. And I realise I don't have the right feelings for my boyfriend any more. Certainly not enough to want to put any effort into recapturing those early stages of intimacy. Indeed that crystalised for me the realisation that yes, I have fallen out of love with him. But my dilemma now is how to break up with someone when you've been together as long as we have and when you share a home?
I don't know where to start. I don't feel brave enough just to tell him outright. But I find myself creating arguments so that there is tension between us.
Dear C
It?s going to be hard, isn?t it? No wonder you're finding it easier to put if off.
It seems what you've been trying to do instead is get the message across indirectly?. by instituting arguments and hoping he'll get the hint.
I wonder how you?d like to be on the receiving end of such treatment? I imagine it would be confusing. You wouldn?t know what was going on. You could feel hurt. It would certainly leave you wondering.
So ? try instead to pluck up your courage and have this all out with him. That would be the kindest thing to do. You?d feel better if you knew you were being honest. And he would at least get the chance to know where he stands. I imagine that would feel a lot better to him than fumbling around trying to please you but never quite getting it right because you'd never let him??
Dilys
Dear Dilys
Well we talked. Surprisingly, it turned out to be very calm and composed and not nearly as difficult as I'd feared. I was staggered, in fact, to find out he feels the same way about the relationship as me!
So we've decided to give in our notice for the flat. And we're each going to look for a new place. We're determined to do this amicably and stay friends if we can. We're going to have to live together during the notice but all of a sudden that doesn't feel such a big deal. I can handle that.
Thanks for all your help. It was really useful to have somebody else's pespective and you helped me see there was no point in going on as we were. I'm pretty excited about the future now. I've realised that being single will free up a whole load of time so that I can pursue some of my old hobbies and catch up with old friends. And I don't feel quite so tired any more...it's like a great weight has been lifted so I have more energy. So things are good - thank you.
C
So! This is what I'm offering here....the chance for you to have a short series of email exchanges with me in the hope they may help.
It's important to remember, though, that the way I work is to help steer you towards your own solutions. Sometimes it may seem as if I'm giving direct advice, but it will usually be more in the form of making suggestions for new things to try out, perhaps offering some different tactics to use, or putting a different perspective on things.
Counselling is like that: it puts the onus on you to find your own way forward but with someone else holding your hand. It will be you who ends up doing the real work and the amount of change you can make may well depend on the amount of effort you put in.
So I can't promise too much.....but the service is free and you may like to try it out....