My daughter is a bully

Dear Dilys,

I?ve just discovered that my 10 year old has been bullying other girls at school. When challenged by the head teacher, she broke down in tears saying that she feels different because she doesn?t have a father and that I have a new boyfriend and I don?t realise how much this affects her.?. Her father died before she was born and having put the kids first for years, I thought it was about time to pick up the pieces again. However I never wanted to upset her so much. I don?t want to give up the relationship so what next?

Ray

Dear Ray

You seem surprised that your daughter feels so affected by the loss of something she never had. But she?s at an age where it feels vital to fit in; she probably compares herself and your lifestyle to that of all the friends around her. Maybe she?s jealous of the things they do as a family; of friends who have truly involved fathers; or simply longs for the ?concept? of what having a Dad would be like. It seems to have come to a head since the arrival of your boyfriend. So have a heart-to-heart with her about how this affects her. Listen carefully and put yourself in her shoes if you can. She needs to feel safe, loved and secure at home so that she doesn?t need to take her bad feelings out on the girls around her at school.

My daughter is being bullied

Dear Jan

It?s important that this doesn?t turn into a crisis of confidence for you daughter and the best way to ensure this is to gather lots of friends around her. Keep inviting friends home so that she knows there are plenty of people who value and like her. This will boost her self-esteem. Then ensure that she always goes to the Youth Centre in a bunch of friends so that she doesn?t have to face the aggressive group alone. There?s safety in numbers and she?ll find it easier to handle the ame-calling if she has support. Above all, help her to see that this kind of attack isn?t personal. It?s just a lazy form of bullying.

The school says there's no problem

Dear Dilys

For all the talk of the government?s initiatives to stamp out bullying in schools, I see no sign of it at my daughter?s school.

She was once a bright happy 12-year-old without a care in the world but since starting secondary school she?s changed into an unhappy worried child. There?s a group of girls who pick on her and make her life hell. During the summer holidays, she visibly relaxed and that was a joy. But now that term?s started she?s back to her worried self. If I turn up to meet her, I can tell that some of the girls are ignoring her. I know she feels isolated and lonely. Yet the school insist there?s no problem with bullying in their school. What can I do?

Gwynneth

Dear Gwynneth,

Go back to the school and keep going back until you get some satisfaction. It?s all too easy for teachers and heads to claim that there?s no bullying on their premises while at the same time turning a blind eye to what really goes on.

Girls can be vile to each other at this sort of age. They can become expert at a silent form of bullying which is every bit as soul-destroying as the physical thumping that boys are more likely to engage in. They give each other evil looks; they freeze people out; they call each other names; in short they can delight in making someone?s life an absolute misery. The trouble is that because this behaviour is quiet and subtle, it can go on virtually unnoticed and unchecked and teachers can, indeed, claim that they ?see nothing?.

However, I believe every good teacher ought to be on the alert for this silent bullying and ought to be able to spot it. It isn?t hard to see which girls shrink into themselves and appear to lose all their self-confidence. Nor should it be hard to spot who is being isolated, who is always alone, who seems to shy to speak up in front of the group, whose work is suffering.

Bullying like this can only survive in a school where the whole community colludes to keep it quiet and suppressed. In an open environment where peoples? feelings are discussed and pupils encouraged to share fears and anxieties, this kind of bullying would not be tolerated. The school staff need to take the time to spell out the culture of the school and the anti-bullying policies, to make sure every pupil understands and then to back this up with real action when something goes wrong.

Some schools run helpful initiatives whereby kids are encouraged to discuss problems on a daily basis as they occur. This helps the whole class understand how others feel and the impact of any bullying or simple unkindness.

Badger your daughter?s head to implement this kind of policy. And at the same time boost your daughter?s confidence as much as you can and try and find opportunities for inviting round all the kind caring girls she knows. She won?t feel so alone and vulnerable if she knows she can rely on one or two good friends.

Dilys