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I've left but I'm frightened
Dear Dilys,
After 15 years marriage, suffering physical/mental abuse, fearing him I left. He moved on but I am unable to form relationships and to trust any more. My children complain that I should move on too but I remain cocooned, fearful, brooding and upset. Being a single parent is hard work. I do this devotedly but 'once bitten twice shy'. I am lonely; it would be great to meet new people and especially people who could empathise. I do feel alienated that having survived domestic violence there is no support for people like me.
Anita
Dear Anita,
People like you who?ve suffered years of abuse at the hands of a bullying partner, inevitably end up feeling low and down. That, after all, was probably the whole point of your husband?s treatment of you - to belittle you, to make you lose all your confidence and self-esteem, to make you feel helpless so that he had control. You?ve been very brave to have faced up to this and confronted your partner and it can?t have been easy to leave. It?s understandable that you?d now hope to feel better and able to move on. But give yourself time to get over your various losses and try to build up your self-esteem by finding things that you?re good at. You probably need to relearn how to accept praise and recognise your good qualities. But doing so will help boost your morale.
My partner puts me down
Dear Dilys,
My partner likes me to dress up in nice clothes and high heels when we go out and I do this to please him as I love him. But when we're out, he changes. He becomes very critical of me in front of other people. He likes to boss me around and he hates it if I talk to other men. Sometimes when we get home and he's had a few drinks he threatens me with violence if he sees me talking to men again. But I don't see how I can avoid it when we're in the pub with people all around. I try to fit in with what he wants but it's hard.
Eileen
Dear Eileen,
Your partner sounds very controlling and I wonder quite what there is in this relationship for you? You say you love him, but you describe a situation where you have to keep striving to please him...and basically it's a no-win situation, for, it seems, whatever you do, you end up displeasing him. Not only that but he's mean to you in front of other people which is about the unkindest thing he can do to you. That is a form of emotional abuse that can chip away at someone's confidence so that they begin to believe they're worthless. Be on your guard, Eileen, in case this begins to happen to you. You don't deserve such shoddy treatment - no one does. You say you love him, but you don't say what he does to please you, or what it is about the relationship that keeps you with him. Have a good long think about this, for it may be that you'd be better off without him. The very fact that he threatens violence should sound warning bells. Make sure you have a strategy for escape should he ever try to lay a hand on you. It could be that this tactic of his of keeping you in a no-win situation is designed to give him the excuse he needs should he ever feel the urge to hit you. He'll be able to tell himself that you didn't do as he wanted, didn't fit in with all his extreme decrees, so you deserve some 'punishment'. So be aware Eileen that this doesn't sound like a good healthy loving relationship and that you could undoubtedly do better. Then try and think about why you stay with him. It may be that he's already whittled away at your self-confidence so that you feel you'll never be able to find anyone else. But there's bound to be someone kinder out there somewhere. Counselling could probably help you sort all this out and boost your self-confidence so that you learn to value yourself better and realise you deserve more.
Dilys