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Alcohol, smoking and drugs are all grouped here together because of their tendency to cause problems across the generations. Most parents worry about children taking/using any of these substances whether legal or illegal. And most young people will experiment with one or all of them at some time. There seems to be a huge amount of anxiety amongst parents that any minor incident of risky behaviour is likely to lead on to further serious and dangerous risk-taking. In fact, many many young people experiment with drugs, smoking or alcohol without coming to serious harm or becoming addicted to any one of them. Others, who are likely to be troubled young people anyway, can find that using some of these substances gives them the only relief they can find from a dreary everyday existence.....so that the idea of living without them seems unimagineable. So the key message for this section is that this is the place to start if you're worried one of your friends or a son or daughter might be engaging in risky addictive behaviour. But if you're a parent, be prepared to accept that the more you can trust your kids to treat their own bodies and lives with respect, the more likely they are to do so. Being heavy-handed and issuing dire warnings can often have the opposite effect from the one you wish.
Son's drug use
Dear Dilys,
I’m in a very desperate situation. My son is a Drug Addict. He lives in my house with myself and my mother who is 80 years old with Blood pressure, Diabetes, and a Pace-maker. We’re both pensioners. My son harasses us for money to buy drugs. If he don’t get it, he said he will damage the house, by burning the house down or breaking windows. We need help for him and ourselves. We have to give him money to keep a roof over our heads. We are in peril of our lives.
Daphne
Dear Daphne
This is indeed a desperate situation for you. It must be very frightening living with someone so unstable and manipulative. And it must be really hard to be in constant fear of your lives and find your money leaking away.
You clearly need help in several areas. Start by trying to find some support for yourself. There are a couple of helplines set up by people just like yourself – parents of drug addicts. You’ll probably find it really helpful to listen to people who’ve had experience of coping just like you, and people who are prepared to listen as you share your woes. The Families Anonymous helpline is 08451200660 (local rate) and they offer local support groups as well. The PADA (Parents Against Drug Abuse) helpline is 08457023867.
You could also phone the National Drugs Helpline which is free and won’t show up on your phone bill – 0800 77 66 00. They’ll probably be able to put you in touch with other local agencies who can help. Collect as much advice and information as you can and then you may not feel so alone in your struggle.
Swapping notes with other parents is obviously going to give you some ideas of how to help your son. But you mustn’t forget to look after yourself in all of this.
It’s important not to assume responsibility for his behaviour. He’s clearly old enough to know what he’s doing and make his own life choices. So try not to contain, control or change him yourself for it’s far too big a task to tackle alone. It could also mean that inadvertently you encourage him in his destructive behaviours because he feels less responsible.
It’s also vital not to collude with addicts or cover up for them. Far better to help them see the terrible consequences of their addiction. Unfortunately, the fact that you have to help him out financially, is enabling him to carry on. So it would obviously be a good idea for all of you if you could break this cycle.
It’s not going to be easy because your son has clearly got you just where he wants you with his threatening, violent behaviour. So you’re probably going to have to involve the police. I know it’s hard to shop our own families, but it’s probably the only way you’ll regain any sanity and end up feeling safe again.
It’s what’s called Tough Love – being cruel to be kind. And although it may shock your son initially, hopefully it will lead to him being sent for treatment, which, in the long run could be the answer to all your prayers.
Dilys
My partner threatens to kick out my drug-taking son
Dear Dilys,
I’ve just discovered that my son’s been taking drugs. He’s 16. My partner has always sworn that if my son ever did drugs, he’d kick him out. Do I keep this from my partner and risk having him kick the boy out, or keep it from my partner, which means deceiving him?
Jean
Dear Jean,
This depends so much on all the circumstances. If your son is dabbling, say, in a small quantity of something like cannabis at weekends, and in all other areas of his life he’s functioning perfectly normally, then this may not be a huge crisis. If, on the other hand, you’ve been noticing a change of mood, a decrease in energy, a tendency to lose interest in work or study, then it might be more serious and indicate that his drug-taking is more regular and heavy. In the latter case you’d want to get him some help.
Whichever the scenario, the last thing you want is to have him kicked out of the house. Far better to keep him close so that you can keep an eye on him.
If you find he’s ‘dabbling’ then you could probably afford to turn a blind eye for a bit while monitoring the situation carefully. Teenagers like to experiment and take risks and this may just be a normal phase of his teenage development.
But if his drug use is really worrying you then get him some help as soon as possible. Talk to him first. Try not to jump in being heavy-handed and judgemental but offer him space to talk. Arm yourself with as much as information about drugs as you can, so that he can see that you’ve done your research and know your facts. There’s nothing worse than trying to have this kind of conversation with young people from a basis of ignorance. They know what’s what and if you’re not careful can blind you with science! The government’s initiative Talk To Frank will help. Ring them on 0800 776600 or visit their website: www.talktofrank.com
If your partner is the boy’s father it seems to me that it ought to be possible to reason with him, to explain that whatever level of drug-taking is going on, your son is going to be far better off with your support and living under your roof. So insist that he stays at home.
If, however, he’s not the boy’s father and doesn’t have a particularly good relationship with the boy, this may explain his hard attitude. In that case a few white lies may be really important in order to keep your son at home. This will be difficult for you, I’m sure. So get as much outside help as you can; talk to your doctor and the school and contact your local Drugs Team. Perhaps with all their support, you’ll be able to persuade your partner to change his mind and allow you to keep your son safe at home where you can give him whatever help he requires. Good Luck.
Dilys
Could my son be into drugs?
Dear Dilys
My son - who's just turned 15 - used to be very anti-drugs. But recently I’ve noticed a change in his attitude plus he’s gone all moody and quiet. I'm afraid he's on something and don't know what to do about it because anything I say is likely to send him off on one. I’m an older parent and very out of touch about drugs and stuff so I don’t really know how to handle this.
Donald
Dear Donald
The idea that a child might be on drugs is frightening for any parent. It can feel as if there’s a whole world out there of strange substances and peculiar practices that you know nothing about. No wonder you’re feeling flummoxed and don’t know what to think or how to tackle your son.
First of all, try not to panic. Your son's changing behaviour may be simply to do with his age. Many youngsters become moody and introverted as they go through adolesence. It doesn’t necessarily indicate that he’s on any kind of drug.
However, having said that, the UK apparently now has more 15 and 16 year-old drug users than any other country in the EU. So your worries could be well-founded.
But don’t let’s forget that experimenting and risk-taking is a normal part of teenage behaviour. And that not every teenager who experiments with drugs goes on to become an addict. So try not to rush to judgement of your son.
Try instead to remain interested in him even through his moody times. It can be difficult to show your kids that you care for them and about them when they go through that silent teenage phase when you’re lucky if you get even a grunt out of them! But most teenagers are feeling pretty insecure and unsure of themselves at this time. They need as much constancy and love as they can get while they spread their wings, try out their new ideas and personalities and begin, slowly but surely, to separate out from Mum and Dad.
And most teenagers respond far better at this time to trust than they do to nagging. So try to adopt a fairly laid-back approach. If you want to have a conversation about drugs choose your moment carefully. Find one where he’s not got half a mind on the tv or on the computer. And don’t even think about broaching the subject of drugs with him until you’ve swotted up on the facts. There’s nothing a teenager despises more than someone who’s claiming to have an opinion on the subject while being totally out of touch with the real issues involved.
Have a think too about your attitude towards those other drugs that we use in everyday life. It’s all too easy for parents to get on their high-horses about drug-taking by teenagers whilst forgetting their own drug habit (alchohol) or addiction (smoking). Teenagers can spot a hypocrite coming a mile off…..so be prepared!
Addaction
publishes a useful book for parents with up-to-date information and advice: 0207 251 5860 www.addaction.org.uk. Then there’s also the National Drugs Helpline on 0800 677 66 00. And Adfam (for families of those on drugs)....0207 928 8900.Dilys
My new flatmate's a smoker
Dear Dilys,
Next year I’ll be living with three friends from uni. Someone dropped out so a friend of the other two is joining us. I’ve just been told (very late in the day this) that he’s a smoker and from the way they’ve kept this from me up to now I imagine he’ll be expecting to smoke in the house. This really bugs me because I went to great lengths to choose non-smokers. It’s really hard to get away from smoke-infested environments at uni so at least I thought I could have a smoke-free place to live.
Claire
Dear Claire,
You need to get this sorted right away. It’s unfortunate that your careful planning for a smoke-free environment has been undermined in this way. It could well be an accident or an over-sight but it could also be that your friends knew full well how much having a smoker on board was going to upset you. So they left it as late in the day as they could to tell you.
I can see your dilemma, though, because it’s often difficult to sort out these student houses and all three of you will be anxious to ensure you have a fourth person on board to share the rent. So it may feel too risky to rock the boat with this new chap.
On the other hand, it seems to me you’re perfectly within your rights to stick out for your desire for a non-smoking house. You are, after all, one of the original inhabitants and you made your views clear from the start.
It sounds as if your two friends aren’t very good at facing up to difficult situations, so it could be that they’ve not even told this chap about your desire for a non-smoking house. It seems important, therefore, that you take this matter into your own hands as soon as possible and sort it out to suit you before events take over.
It doesn’t have to be a difficult conversation. If I were you, I think I’d just let him know that there’s been a misunderstanding. Tell him about your original requirements for a non-smoking house and how your friends managed to ‘forget’ to mention that he was a smoker. Apologise that he’s been caught up in this misunderstanding but be firm and put it to him that you expect it to remain a smoke-free zone.
You may be lucky. He may simply accept this as part of the house-rules. If he doesn’t then you can begin some negotiation. Maintaining good relations within the house is bound to involve some compromise. Perhaps you can persuade him to confine his smoking to his room and then at least the rest of the house will be unpolluted and just as you wanted it.
Dilys
How do I get my parents to stop smoking?
Dear Dilys,
I really really really want my mum and dad to give up smoking this new year. My brothers and I have tried asking and begging but nothing works. We don't want them to get ill and die but they don't seem to care. Is there something else we can try that really works?
Dear Tracy,
It sounds as if your nagging hasn't worked so perhaps you need to enter into some sort of contract with your parents. I guess - as in any normal family - there will be things your parents would like to see changed around the place. Perhaps they'd like a bit more help around the house, or a bit less swearing, or fighting or they'd like you and your brothers to come in at the times you promised? So how about offering to brush up on some of these areas, in exchange for their giving up smoking?
You could sit down with your parents and ask them what kinds of changes they’d like you to make. You could explain in the process that you’re doing this because you love them and because you really don’t want them to bring their lives to an early end. The fact that you are all offering to make changes in order to encourage them to change would probably bring home to them just how much you care and how much you have their interests at heart.
Contracts like this within families can work as long as all sides agree to abide by their side of the bargain. They’re a good way of getting action for everyone stands to gain in some way or another. You and your brothers would have to be prepared to stick to your side of the agreement and you’d all have to draw up some guidelines for ‘punishments’ for anyone who breaks the rules. But all this could be conducted in a light-hearted fashion with tolerance on either side for people who crack and slip up.
For the smokers, slip-ups may be inevitable. It’s really hard to give up an addiction and they may not be able to stop smoking just like that. It will be important for you to be understanding about this and not see each slip-up as a huge disaster.
When setting any kinds of goals like this, it’s important not to aim too high. So make sure you don’t make promises of things you can’t keep. Set realistic goals and encourage them to do the same. Maybe cutting down on their smoking gradually would work better for them than giving up in one fell swoop.
As long as you approach this whole exercise in a loving and friendly way, there’s no reason why it shouldn’t work and it could also bring you all a bit closer together as you work out, as a family, exactly how you’d like things to run. You’ll find that most things can be resolved by a bit of compromise and negotiation.
And if your parents witness you lot striving your best to stick to your side of the bargain, they may just be persuaded/cajoled/shamed into sticking to theirs too.
Dilys