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Depression is such a difficult area. Many people experience depression at some time in their lives. For some it's a passing phase, otthers, sadly, find it raises its ugly head far too often. For people who are regularly and deeply depressed, it can feel very hard to get help. Other people often don't want to know about friends who are always sad or low - which only serves to make the person who's depressed feel even more lonely and isolated. But there is help available for depression. Anti-depressants can be a useful short-term help and talking therapies have been proved to be beneficial. Learning that you're not alone can also help - knowing that others share your experience and can understand how you feel - which is why these letters might prove useful.
Feeling Useless
Dear Dilys
When I was 18 I was talked into an arranged marriage. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happily married and love my husband but for me this was a way out of my parents’ house. 2 years later I have a baby girl and we’ve moved into our own place. I look after my daughter full time, at home all day. I love being with her but sometimes I feel useless and as though I’m doing nothing especially as I used to go to regular work. I get heavy-headed, stressed and bored. My husband plucks up my courage and the best in me and tells me that looking after our daughter is a big enough job. But I think I need help. I might sound like a big complain box but I feel I need some work to do from home - and everything I’ve tried so far on the internet has been a big scam.
Mrs. A.
Dear Mrs. A,
It is a shame that looking after children is not valued highly enough in society and that young women like you still feel somewhat guilty about staying home and doing ‘nothing’. In reality, of course, you’re not remotely useless: you have the most important and valuable job in the world and I bet you’re brilliant at it.
But if you never get out of the house, it’s not surprising that you feel rather confined stuck indoors all day. It sounds as if you miss the variety and the social contact you used to get from going out to regular work. So perhaps the best solution for you right now would be to try to build more variety into your everyday life.
Have you thought about joining some local social groups or going to mother-and-toddler groups? That would get you out of the house and involve meeting new people. It’s always helpful when we feel isolated to meet others in a similar situation and to swap notes on how other people manage their lives. And perhaps you could also try volunteering your services to some local worthwhile cause? Women who run homes and bring up children have a whole range of talents that they often overlook. I’m sure there’s a local charity which would welcome your input. That too would get you out of the house and provide you with some flexibility while you bring up your daughter. It would also help reinforce for you that you are still a valuable member of the community which much to offer.
Counselling could porbably help you change your outlook so that you could begin to value yourself for what you do right now.
Dilys
Losses from depression
Dear Dilys,
I experienced four years of depression during which I lost all of my friends, self-love, confidence and strength. I missed a lot of uni and got a poor degree. Now I'm trying for a PHD but wonder if I'll ever achieve my dream to have my permanent career earning big money. I feel my age will let me down. Where will I go if it doesn’t happen. My dream's important to me. It will break my heart if it doesn’t come true.
Lina
Dear Lina,
It’s really important only to set realistic goals in life. If we set over-ambitious targets we set ourselves up to fail. So if there’s any chance that the pressure of getting this qualification is leading to your depression - or contributing to it any way - then it’s probably a really good idea to review what you really want out of life.
Sometimes we aim high to please others - or even to prove something to ourselves - when all we really want is something much simpler, calmer and more straight-forward out of life. I’m certainly not trying to put you off pursuing your dream, just to question whether it is entirely your dream and whether it’s what you truly want.
Some counselling could help you sort this out. It’s often not until we’ve discussed these things with somebody independent that we can know our true selves. It seems really important for you to look at this, for your depression must have come from somewhere…and most likely from somewhere inside of you. So it sounds possible, if not probable, that there may be some conflict going on deep inside between what you think you want and what you really want.
So try to find someone to talk to. At the moment it seems there’s a mountain to climb and that you’re attempting it single-handed. Things will feel much easier to tackle if you can collect some support around you.
Without friends and without your confidence and self-belief, there is clearly an awful lot of ground to make up before you can get back to the person you used to be. But all of this will feel more manageable with the support of a counsellor to hold your hand along the way. He or she will help build up your confidence, while working out ways to make new friends, increase your social circle and help you feel you fit into the world again.
Seeking help is not a cowardly thing to do. It would be a very brave step. And lowering your goals - if that’s what you decide you have to do – would not be a soft option. It would be being realistic.
So have a good look at this. If it turns out that your dreams are realistic and achievable and what you really want, then there’s no need to worry they won’t come true. You sound as if you have the drive and determination to achieve them…and that’s usually all it takes. If you stick at it and work hard enough….anything’s possible.
Dilys