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A big subject.  Many of my letters come from young people who are desolated that their parents' marriage or relationship has broken down.  But separations of all kinds involve widespread grief - not always of the couple themselves but for everyone around them.  Some such situations are addressed here.

All I want is for Mum and Dad to get back together

Dear Dilys

My parents separated at Christmas and life has been horrid since.  They row whenever they meet even when Dad comes to pick me up at weekends and me and my brother are so unhappy we cry ourselves to sleep each night.  We just want things to go back to what they used to be like with all of us one happy family.  If we can't have that, we would at least like them to be polite and nice to each other.  And perhaps occasionally have a day out together or a game of monopoly like we did in the old days. 

Mel and Dee

Dear Mel and Dee,

This is the heartfelt cry of most young people I come across.  It's awfully hard in your situation to understand why you should suffer when it's your Mum and Dad who've fallen out, not you.  The trouble is that parents often get carried away in these heated situations and forget totally what it was they once loved about their partner.  They focus on all the bad things instead and can often transfer their feelings of anger and bitterness to everyone around them - including, sadly, their children.  I think you need to tell your parents how much this split is affecting you and your sister.  Don't try and be strong for them, but let them know just how upset you are.  Then you can explain how things would feel better if only they could be on good terms.  How you'd like it if they'd be civilised to each other in front of you.  How much happier that would make you feel.  Tell them that you love both of them equally and that that will never change....so it hurts to hear one of them rubbish the other all the time.  And ask if they could see their way to doing some things together sometime....like going out or staying in and playing at home.  It's not a lot to ask but they may be surprsied to hear you ask for it.  Show them this letter, if that helps, so they can see with their own eyes the lengths you've gone to, to try and get help and how unhappy, therefore, you must be.  And tell them from me, that the best way for children to survive a divorce or separation is for them to know that their parents still love them, to have some say in the arrangements around visiting etc., and to know that their parents can treat each other with respect, remembering the love that was once there, that created these offspring, rather than focussing on whatever it is that's gone wrong in the meantime.

Dilys

My gay lover's left me

Dear Dilys,

I'm a gay man of 62 who's been with the same partner for 22 years. He was young and inexperienced when we met and I guided him and showed him everything he knows. We lived openly as a couple and shared all our friends. I've spent my life’s savings on him and our home and on showing him the world - as we travelled together extensively. Now he's walked out on me and I find myself alone and too old now to make a fresh start and meet new people. How can I get him back?

G

Dear G

What a difficult situation. After devoting your life to this man, it’s no wonder you feel so lost, alone and abandoned. The trouble is - as I imagine you probably know deep down - there's most likely nothing you can do or say right now to attract your partner back again. He’s bound to have done a lot of soul-searching before walking out on this life-long relationship and will have had his own good reasons for leaving.

For you at the moment, while the pain is still raw, it’s obviously really hard to accept that it’s over. No wonder you’re spending your time wondering what on earth you can do to regain his love and get him ‘back’. But you could expend an enormous amount of energy on strategies which are all doomed to fail in the long run. You could certainly try asking if there’s anything you could do to change that would woo him back. But presumably if there’d been any easy answers, he would already have raised them with you. He needs time right now to explore his new freedoms, to experience life as a single person, to try out new friendships, relationships and lifestyles, to learn if he’s made the right decision.

The old cliche 'if you love someone/something, let it go' so often proves to be true. You’re far more likely to get him back in the long run if only you can remain calm and accepting right now and allow him the space he needs. Those people who chase after an ex-partner, harry and hassle them and intrude on their new lives usually end up driving an even bigger wedge between them. Whereas those who are able to let go, to recognise that the partner needs time and space away from the relationship to find out if he’s made the right choice, are much more likely to stay friends.

A relationship that’s damaged by bitterness and vindictiveness is never likely to be re-kindled. Whereas one where the couple keep talking and obviously still care about each other’s welfare stands a rather better chance.

So, hard as it may be, try to remain on good terms; be pleasant and friendly when you meet and retain an interest in him and his goings-on. Then, if he ever tires of his new-found freedoms, at least you’ll not have cut all ties and he’ll know the door to your heart and home is still open.

Dilys

 

My ex-wife won't communicate 

Dear Dilys,

 I would like my ex-wife to be on better terms with me as a parent of our children. She hides behind what I call a wall of hate. The divorce was her idea and we have joint custody of the children. What has happened has happened. It’s difficult to communicate because of the hate and anger she displays. It is all done by the children or through notes or texts. I’m now trying to speak to her on the phone. I feel this will only harm the children in the long term if we cannot be seen by them to get on.

Anon

Dear Anon,

It’s vital for young children to see their parents – divorced or not – dealing with life in a mature, calm and reasonable way. Otherwise it unsettles them and they grow up with all kinds of insecurities. Children always feel torn between their parents but the effects of this can be lessened at least, if the parents get on.

Children also use their parents as role-models, so when they observe an amicable relationship after a divorce they are much more likely to grow into fully-rounded adults who can handle even difficult situations in a calm and friendly way.

The trouble with your situation is that with so much hatred around, your children may model themselves on their Mum and grow up to be angry and full of hatred with no just cause.

So you’re right to be concerned.

The only way to ensure children remain happy and secure after divorce is for both parents to put a lot of effort into staying friends. Your children need to know that you both have their welfare at heart and that nothing’s too much – even being pleasant to an ex – if it ensures they don’t have to feel their world’s collapsing around them.

You could start by showing this letter to your wife. You could tell her that I’ve met far too many damaged youngsters who’ve become embittered by the hatred around them. They can’t understand why their parents don’t see the negative impact constant rowing has on them.  They feel they must have done something wrong, that they’ve displeased their parents in some way, that they’re in fact to blame for the whole marriage break-up. And because they often have no one else to turn to at such times, they often internalise these bad feelings and end up harming themselves in one way or another. This is all too often at the root of such things as eating disorders, or self-harm in young people.

So for you children’s sake, persist with your campaign of trying to resume cordial relations. How about asking her for a meeting so she can tell you why she feels so much hatred towards you? Listen carefully to her answers and then ask yourself – and her – what you can possibly do to improve things for the sake of your children.

And whatever happens, please stop using your children as a conduit for messages. That can have a devastating impact on kids, particularly when the messages are negative ones. And it is, after all, up to you two to sort things out, not the kids.

Good Luck.

Dilys

 3 year old reminds me of his stubborn Dad

Dear Dilys

I have three lovely kids with two different fathers. The only problem is that occasionally I can see my ex-partner in the three year old. He has a stubborn manner just like his Dad and even at this young age can put his foot down and not be budged. When he's like that I find myself going off him. That sounds terrible I know but I can't think how else to describe it. It was that bit of my partner's nature that eventually came between us. But how can I get over this and prevent it coming between my little boy and me?

Vera

Dear Vera,

 

The good news is that you've recognised this danger at a relatively early stage....so yes, you should be able to prevent it becoming a problem between you. It sounds as if you may still have a load of unresolved feelings around your ex- partner, some resentment perhaps at how much his stubbornness affected you and changed your relationship?

I suggest you probably need an outlet for all these feelings and a chance to get it all off your chest. Try some counselling. It would enable you to explore what it was about your partner's stubborn side that got to you, why it wound you up so much, what buttons it pressed for you. It would help you to get all the bad stuff that's still hanging around out of your system...and enable you to learn more about yourself in the process.

The key is that once you could recognise what the stubbornness triggers off for you, you'd be able to adjust how you react to it. We all have this ability to monitor our feelings and control them. We just don't always know it. So if you were able to watch out for your irritation as it begins to build whenever you little boy starts behaving in a stubborn manner....you'd be able to talk to yourself, to keep yourself calm, tell yourself to keep your temper in check, to count to ten before you speak, to think about why he's behaving in that way and consider his side of the story, before jumping down his throat with some angry reaction.

This isn't to say his stubbornness won't ever annoy you again. It probably will, but you'll be learning calm ways to deal with it rather than allowing yourself to get upset every time. And that will be better for you and for him.

The fact is that he probably can’t help this side of his nature. If he’s inherited it from his Dad, it’s like to be well ingrained. And it would be a tragedy for the pair of you to spend your life fighting over it. So the best course of action must be for you to build up your defenses so that it doesn’t get to you quite so much.

And try to see you son in the round...there must be lots of lovely aspects to his personality as well. So focus on those, celebrate those and reward him every time he's not stubborn.

Dilys

9 year old doesn't like my boyfriend

 Dear Dilys

I’m a single Mum with two kids. 6 months ago I met a wonderful man and he moved in with us 2 months ago. The kids seemed to get on with him until he moved in but since then my 9-year-old has started playing up. I’ve tried everything I know to find out what’s wrong but he won’t talk about it. He’s all right when it’s just the two of us but changes the minute my b/f walks into the room. He has terrible temper tantrums and I’m afraid he’ll drive my boyfriend away.

Chloey

Dear Chloey,


Children often find it hard to adjust to the arrival of a new person in the house. After all, just because you love your new boyfriend it doesn’t mean that your children will automatically take to him. So you might have to be patient a little while longer until things settle down and your son has grown used to the new arrangement.

If you put yourself in his shoes for a minute you’ll be able to see that he’s bound to feel a bit put out. His whole home-life has been turned around. He probably liked having you all to himself and now he has to share you. On top of that there’s somebody new around the place all the time and it’s not somebody of his choosing, is it? He may not like the idea of somebody else using his bathroom, putting him to bed or being there at breakfast. I guess his routine has changed in many ways and he probably feels a little less settled and secure than he used to.

On top of that, he sees you spending time and attention with this new boyfriend and that’s probably time which previously you’d have spent with him. He also undoubtedly sees you being lovey-dovey with your partner and he may feel jealous of that. He may feel that he’ll be squeezed out, that you won’t have so much time for him in future and won’t need all your usual cuddles if you’re getting them from someone else.

With a little effort, it should be possible to win him round again. Just make sure you show him that the new arrangements won’t make any difference to your relationship with him. Over-compensate for a while, consciously making sure you have one-on-one time with him often and never ignoring him simply because you’re pleased to see your partner.

Temper tantrums usually stem from anger and frustration. Kids often feel angry when things feel unfair and frustrated when they feel misunderstood. So concentrate for a bit on thinking about what recent changes might have felt unfair to him. And how you might have given the impression that you’re not listening to him or understanding his concerns. If you focus on those two areas, eliminating anything that might have set up those grievances for him, you should be well on the way to getting your happy little boy back again. It may mean sacrificing a bit of time with your boyfriend, or working out different routines for living together but it should be worth it in terms of overall family relations.

Dilys

Visiting Dad is boring

Dear Dilys,

My Mum and Dad split up three years ago and ever since I've visited my Dad most weekends. But it's becoming boring. He spends his whole time with his new younger kids, taking them to zoos and things or helping with their homework. I'm expected to tag along or stay behind and that's boring. I'm 15 and it means I miss going out with my friends from school. I like seeing him - but not like this. Also I notice his new wife isn’t exactly make me and my brother feel welcome. Last weekend when she came in I was on the phone and then I got a lot of grief about how hard up they are! How can I tell him this without hurting him?

Evie

 

Dear Evie

Your Dad needs to know you feel this way. I imagine this routine of visits every weekend was set up when you were quite a bit younger. It probably felt best to everyone to organize things in this manner so that you were sure of keeping in touch. But now that you’re older, you certainly ought to be able to have a say in how and when you see your father. It certainly doesn’t sound as if you’re getting any quality time with him, and from what you say, you never get the chance to be alone with him. Perhaps that is something that would appeal to you nowadays…the chance to meet up in a coffee shop, say, without the rest of his family around?

Have a think about how you’d ideally like things to be and then request the chance to chat it all over. Ask to see your father alone for this chat; you have the right to do that.

None of this should hurt him as long as you make it clear that you want to still see him but that you’re keen to work out a way of having better quality time together. It sounds as if he may not have considered the ramifications for you of being separated from friends of your own age most weekends. So make sure you let him know what you feel you’re missing.

From what you say about his wife making you feel less than welcome, and the money worries, it could be that they’re going through a tough time right now. It may be just the opportunity he needs to make some changes; for all you know he may have found it quite stressful trying to mix in his younger children’s requirements with seeing you and your brother most weekends. He may well welcome the chance to do things differently.

But until you tell him of your concerns, he has no reason to know how it is all affecting you. So let him in, confide in him and see where it gets you.

I’d go softly though on the attitude you’re meeting from his wife. This could be treading on dangerous ground. Keep the focus off that and concentrate instead on sorting out the best way to keep in touch while also paying attention to your own friendship group.

Dilys

  

My Dad's leaving my mum - and he's 71

Dear Dilys,

My parents have just decided to separate, or rather my father’s leaving my mother for another woman. He’s 71 and my mother’s 65 and I’m finding it really hard to come to terms with. You’d think that by my age, and with a family of my own, none of this would affect me very much but I find myself reeling with shock at the thought that something I’d always viewed as stable was so fragile it could end like this.

Andrea

 

Dear Andrea,

Learning that your parents no longer love each other, or that one has fallen out of love with the other, comes as a huge shock at any age. And because your parents had such a long and apparently good relationship, it must have come as an even greater shock to you to find that it wasn't all it had seemed to be. Our parents are our bed-rock really, aren't they? So anyone who has two parents who are happily together has the constant benefit of knowing that they come from a good solid base. And the security of having that rock-solid base can feel really good and comforting as we journey through life. Now your base has been shattered, it probably feels as if you're going to have to relearn who you are, to re-orientate yourself.

Your relationship with each parent is likely to change. You may find you see more of your mother now, particularly if she's going to be lonely, and less of your father who sounds as if he'll be well occupied. You'll no doubt find that your mother needs your support more than she ever used to when she had a husband around. And you're going to have to make all kinds of new arrangements now to see them both. So that as well as all the emotional implications this break up has, it will also impact on you in hugely practical, novel ways.

So no wonder you're finding it so hard to come to terms with. It is a bolt from the blue from which you find yourself reeling.

It's difficult at any age to accept the break-up of our parents relationship. Even in this day and age of shorter lived relationships. We can find ourselves feeling quite resentful that once we're grown up, we should be forced into taking care of our parents.

This is difficult at any age. But it can happen. People do get over this kind of shock and settle down.

You need to grieve for the loss of your parents marriage while at the same time probably having to deal with the ramifactions of the split, and no doubt supporting your mother. This will be hard but you will come through. Try to be there for your mother as much as you can but don't neglect your own needs. You need to greive for the ending of this marriage and that will take some time.

Dilys