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Families - such a big subject! Most letters have something to do with the family, but these are the ones that seemed particularly to sum up the kinds of problems people have with their loved ones.
Did my Mum have an affair?
Dear Dilys,
Something happened around the time of my Mom?s last birthday that suggested she might have had an affair many years ago. I always thought my parents' marriage was rock-solid. But looking back to when we were children I realise now there was a young man my Mom saw a lot of while my Dad was at work. I feel awful that she might have done this.
Anon
Dear Anon,
It?s not surprising you feel awful. You?re upset on several accounts: firstly because your whole concept of your family is shattered; also because you worry that your Mom may have betrayed your Dad; and above all because it appears that this ?rock-solid? base that you believed in so absolutely may have been fragile after all.
But the very fact that this is affecting you so deeply and hurting you so much indicates what a sound, secure upbringing you had. Your parents obviously succeeded in persuading you totally that you were part of a united happy family. And you?ve clearly had no reason until very recently to doubt that they were truly happy together.
So if your Mom did have an affair and your father knew about it, they clearly weathered whatever storm there was between them very successfully and protected you from it all along the way. If your Dad didn?t know about it, your mother must have had to decide on her own how much she valued the other relationship and where her priorities lay. And she chose you, her children and her husband over and above this other man. So surely that shows how much she?s always cared for you? It also demonstrates how much she valued the family unit and how unprepared she was to shatter it. And if your father did find out about the affair at the time, he must have cared very greatly for her to persuade her to stay.
So try to see it this way, taking the positives from it and taking some comfort from them. Of course, the whole business raises huge issues of trust for you, and you may fear you?ll never trust your Mom again. But remember that not everybody?s perfect and surely your Mom is allowed one slip-up?
I?d think carefully before bringing your suspicions out into the open and ask yourself what would your motive be. The only justification I could see is if you feel your Mom?s reference to the subject on her birthday may have been her way of trying to introduce the subject with you. If your father?s no longer alive, and there?s no danger of upsetting him any more, she may wish to be open and honest about it. But if your father?s still around, be very careful before you rake over the past. Your parents will have dealt with whatever did or didn?t happen in their own way, and in a manner which suited them at the time. Bringing it up again all these years later may stir up all kinds of uncomfortable feelings that they?d hoped to put behind them. And if you?re not careful it could drive a wedge between you all and finally shatter the happy family that you value so much.
Dilys
My wife's having an affair
Dear Dilys,
Since late last year my wife has been making and receiving secret texts. She used to claim they were from a new younger female friend she?d made at work but then they got more and more frequent. She texts and receives them wherever we are at any time of day, weekends included, even when we?re out visiting relatives or friends or shopping. I grew suspicious and looked at her phone when she was elsewhere. To my surprise and horror they were lewd messages about sex acts, desires and fantasies. So I?m sure she?s having an affair with one of the male doctors at her work. Confronting her will involve admitting I checked up on her phone. She?s a good mother and although we don?t have a sex life any longer I?d like to stay married to her for the sake of the children and my in-laws who?d be devastated to hear what she?s been up to.
Jim
Dear Jim,
First of all be cautious. If you want your marriage to survive you don?t want to rush in hastily with all manner of accusations. It would be sensible, at first, to give her the benefit of the doubt and a chance to explain her actions amicably.
But start by asking yourself if you?ve been neglecting your wife recently or taking her for granted. Have a good think about what you could do to make things up to her and make her more eager to spend time with you and re-activate your sex life.
The next step would be to tell her you?ve noticed a change in her behaviour and to ask if anything?s wrong or if there?s anything she?d like to talk about. You could tentatively suggest that you feel you?ve been drifting apart, even own up to being responsible to some extent. This gives you the chance to judge her reaction, to see if she?s inclined to use this chat as an opportunity to open up to you. And it buys you time during which you can make up your mind if she?s being entirely honest with you, or still trying to keep something from you.
If you feel the conversation?s not getting anywhere and she seems keen to avoid the issue, then that would probably be the appropriate time to own up to what you already know. Again, be wary of jumping to too many conclusions and putting two and two together to make five. Even though it may seem unlikely, there could be an innocent explanation for her behaviour. Or she may simply have been indulging in text-sex ? not actually doing anything physically together with a man. In which case you?ll have to think about how much that offends you. You may still feel betrayed, but, once again, if you want to hang on to her there?d be absolutely no point in making her feel too bad. The more you attack, the more likely she is to withdraw, and that could mean withdrawing entirely from your life if you?re not careful.
So try instead be patient and understanding and offer her a second chance. Demonstrating that you?re prepared to make changes to keep her will show her how much you love her and want her to stay.
Dilys
Niggling Partner
Dear Dilys
My partner's always picking on me, criticising what I say or do, complaining about my mannerisms, carping on about my dress. I know she's a fundamentally niggly person so I don't expect her to change totally but I would like her to see what she's like. So that she can begin to understand what it feels like to be on the receiving end of such carping, day and night.PJ
Dear PJ,
Couples-counselling could help, for your partner?s carping would quickly become obvious in front of an independent mediator. But you could also try writing down everything she niggles about. Then sit down one day, show her the list and spell out to her exactly how this constant carping makes you feel? small, humiliated, stupid?.whatever it is for you. Ask her to bite her tongue or count to ten before saying anything for a week or so?and see what difference it makes. When she starts, hold up a finger to your lips to illustrate what?s happening. If she ploughs on anyway, develop the habit of telling here there and then what's going on inside for you. As in: 'making me feel small', 'making me feel stupid'; 'irritating me beyond belief'; 'i'm getting bored now, switching off'; 'humliated now' etc. etc. Being made aware of how often she does it, and the impact it has on you, should open her eyes to how destructive she?s being to you and your relationship.
Dilys
.Marry my lover?
Dear Dilys
I've been mistress to a married man for the last four years since my divorce. My two teenage children know and care for this man. But he?s married with one son - a teenager also. Luckily we move in different circles so we've never had to worry about being 'found out'. Recently he?s announced he wants to leave his wife. To my surprise, I found myself questioning this.....! Frankly I?m worried about the effect on his son and couldn?t bear to cause a rift. Now he doesn?t believe I love him.
Jena
Dear Jena,
It sounds as if your own feelings/actions have surprised you. It?s strange how a new perspective on a relationship can cause a shift. It seems as though you feel better able to live with the idea of being a mistress than being a marriage-wrecker. That doesn?t, of course, mean your feelings towards your lover have changed. You've had years to get used to the status-quo and it clearly suits you. Spell this out so that he can see that you still love him, you just can?t face being the cause of huge emotional turmoil.
Dilys
Drunken husband
Dear Dilys,
My husband - who's always enjoyed a drink - has started drinking more. He always has a few drinks at lunchtime, which means he can't drive in the afternoons. And nowadays straight after supper, he either falls asleep on the sofa in front of the tv or goes upstairs to bed around 8.30. This is no life for me and I'm beginning to feel really isolated and alone in the marriage.
Han
Dear Han
Get some support from Al-Anon ? a group which exists precisely to help the families of people whose lives are governed by drinking. It would do you good to know there are others like you. But never forget that you have a choice: as you say, this is not much of a life for you. Your husband needs to understand how his choices and actions impact on you and it would be perfectly reasonable to ask your husband to change. But if he can?t you can always choose to walk away. (
www.al-anon.gov.uk 0207 403 0888)Controlling in-laws
Dear Dilys,
Many?s the time I?ve wanted to scream at my in-laws and beg them to but out of my life. But my husband adores his parents and won?t hear a word against them. They?re very interfering, controlling people and now that I?m pregnant I can see them just dying to move in and organise every aspect of my life, this pregnancy, our household and our future. How do I tell them tactfully to back off?
Melia
Dear Melia,
The good news, surely, is that your pregnancy is very much your own affair? This baby is yours, and is safely tucked up in your care right now. Your in-laws can?t actually control this pregnancy, nor how it develops. So this sounds like the ideal time to set boundaries, to let your in-laws know just exactly what degree of help and support you?d like from them and just when you?d like to be left in peace.
There aren?t many other times during a woman?s life when she can get her needs met quite so readily. Most people are prepared to indulge a pregnant Mum! So I would turn on all your charm, milk this situation for all it?s worth, put your feet up and let people fuss around you when you want that, and insist at all other times that you need to be left in peace.
And start being firm now about what?s going to happen once the baby arrives. You need to lay down the guidelines early on and keep repeating them so that your in-laws understand exactly how you wish things to be. A new baby touches hearts very easily, so you may well find the in-laws much more malleable once they?ve become grand-parents. After all, they?ll be desperate to see their grandchild, and probably, therefore, amenable to any rules you might choose to set.
Indeed I should think your best bargaining tool is the baby! From now on, life with the in-laws could be a lot easier and smoother. You?ll be able to invite them to visit to fit in around the baby?s schedule. You?ll be able to ask them to leave when you think the baby?s had enough. You?ll be able to get out of anything and everything pleading tiredness or exhaustion or simply that the baby?s a bit off colour. And if you play your cards right, you?ll have a ready-made set of baby-sitters to hand.
Most new parents appreciate the occasional chance to escape totally from baby-minding and spend some time alone together. Your in-laws could be a great asset in this respect. You could even ask them to come round sometimes first thing in the morning, to allow you a lie-in, or take the baby round to them when you need an afternoon nap.
Indeed with a bit of imagination - and tact - you could find that being a parent liberates you from the tyranny of your in-laws and sets the relationship on a whole new and better footing. Good Luck!
Dilys
I married a control freak
Dear Dilys,
I knew when I married her that my wife was a bit of a control freak but she's getting worse. She's always on at the kids even though they're thoroughly good kids. They're not allowed out at weekends until their bedrooms are spotless. They have lists of household chores every day or there's no pocket-money. Sometimes I look at their innocent little faces and they seem care-worn??almost like they're missing out on all the fun of childhood. And this breaks my heart. How can I persuade my wife to change?
Ben Z
Dear Ben,
Try to find out what it is that makes your wife pin so many hopes on, and put so much energy into having such a spotless house and such perfect kids. There must be a reason why this matters so much to her. Treat her gently, but probe to see if there's something missing in her life right now.
She may be using this extreme form of control with her children because she feels out of control in other areas of her life. So help her look at what this might be about and, if you can, try and alter the balance in the household so that she feels more in control of her own life. Then she may not need to exert so much control over the kids.
She must be getting something from this power trip?..so that would be another area to explore. Try and find out just what she gets out of it?.how, if at all, does it make her happy or improve her lot? And then ask her what she risks by giving it up, what would be the worst that could happen if she lightened up a bit?.? What would it feel like if, one day, the kids didn?t tidy their rooms?
Thinking along these lines could be really useful to her in exploring her own motivation. Often we do things without really knowing why. In her case, she could be repeating the pattern of her own childhood and being heavy-handed with your kids simply because she knows no other way. Maybe she associates having a tidy house and dutiful obedient children with being a ?good? mother. Or perhaps she?s trying to prove something to her own parents here about how efficient she is as a parent?
By exploring her deepest fears around being 'out of control', you could help her see what?s going on for her, why she feels this need to be constantly on top of everything and why she feels the kids need such a strict regime.
It doesn?t sound as if you have much time left in your lives for fun?. so work on this area too. Insist on getting out of the house more often and organize some fun activities involving the kids. If she sees you putting the emphasis on giving the kids a good time, she may come to view her own priorities differently. And maybe the idea of having the house ?just so? will come to feel less important.
Dilys
Husband won't talk to me
Dear Dilys,
My problem is my husband - he never talks or listens to me. Mine is an arranged marriage. For ten years I?ve been kidding myself he?ll grow to love me. I almost thought he?s not capable of listening or opening his heart to anyone but, every year when we visit his parents he listens to his mum ? to her every word and comforts and sympathises with her. I feel so jealous I never got that attention from him. I tried everything - dress up well, love- letters, cards. He never lightens up, not even a thank you. All we have is arguments, rows, fights, tears. I try not to cry because he hates dramatics. He says he doesn?t talk because I nag. I only nag because he doesn?t talk. If only he talks and listens I can make him love me. How can I make him talk?
PJ
Dear PJ
Your optimism is impressive. You?ve put up with a great deal in 10 years, yet still you?re not prepared to give up. You must love your husband very much. Many women would have walked out long ago. But perhaps you?re not in a position to do that, so all credit to you for continuing to try to win your husband?s love. It?s hard to believe that your husband?s coldness towards you is all due to your nagging, for you say he?s never opened his heart to you. No matter what you try. But perhaps the nagging provides a clue. After all, it?s not likely to kindle love; much more likely to drive a wedge between you.
I imagine the best way to win his love, is by being more loveable. But obviously it?s hard to be loveable when life feels such a strain and struggle and there are only rows and arguments. No wonder you often cry; you have plenty to cry about. Yet even that brings his criticism. It seems you can?t win while you pin all your hopes on him like this.
So I suggest the best thing to do is to take back some control over your own life and try to improve your own situation. Find things you really enjoy and do more of them; take up some new hobby or activity that interests you and will in its turn make you interesting company; give yourself treats; incorporate some fun and laughter in your life. In other words, build yourself a happier life which isn?t entirely dependent on him.
This means drawing on your own inner resources to lift your spirits and improve your lot, but that will eventually be more rewarding than hoping that he is somehow miraculously going to do this for you.
Once you?re living a richer and more entertaining life, and there?s more going on for you, you may find you have less time to nag. And hopefully, as life gets better and more fun you?ll find yourself lightening up and being more cheerful around the place. This will inevitably make you more appealing and hopefully your husband may come to appreciate the good wife that?s right under his nose.
Good Luck PJ. With all your determination to make this marriage work, you deserve to succeed.
Dilys
Can't tell Mum about boyfriend
Dear Dilys,
I've got a great boyfriend but don't know how to tell my Mum. She just won't accept that I meet up with boys she doesn't know. She doesn't even like me talking about people she doesn't know and even if I pluck up courage to tell her I'm sure she won't let me se him. How can I make her see that I?m growing up? Please help because I?m desperate with worry. This whole thing is preying on my mind and I feel I won?t have any peace until I?ve told her. But then again I?m worried that by telling her things are going to blow up in my face.
Cleo 14
Dear Cleo,
What a difficult situation for you. You know your Mum best, so I'm sure you have good reason for fearing her reaction. It sounds as if she?s the kind of person who is immediately suspicious of anyone new. She presumably has good reason for being like this?? perhaps she?s had a lot of experience of people have letting her down?
But it seems really hard that you have to suffer from this attitude of hers. You?re at an age where life is all about trying out new things and meeting new people. Friendships and relationships that you form at this stage in your life can be vitally important in providing a network which can help support you through your teenage years. And having a boyfriend is a very natural part of this growing and changing phase.
So handling the whole business of how you tell your Mum is obviously hugely important. And I can see that you don?t want to risk everything going wrong. You sound like a good daughter who would like to be able to please her Mum ? if only she knew how! Yet you?re feeling torn because you also have strong feelings for this boy and don?t want to force a situation where everything ?blows up in your face?.
I?d start by asking your Mum what she would feel ?in principle? about you having a boyfriend. This may seem a bit of a cop-out but it gives you the chance to assess her reaction. You never know, she may surprise you! But if she is as worried and upset as you fear she may be, then try to find out why. Ask her calmly and gently what would be so wrong with you have a boyfriend? As her what her deepest fears about that relationship might be? Maybe her fears are all bound up with some bad experience she had at your age...? If you can get to the bottom of all of this it will make it much easier for you to understand how you could manage the relationship while keeping it acceptable to her. Ask her then what you could possibly do to allay her fears and anxieties. And try to find out what you can do to prove to her that she can trust you. I guess trust may the most important issue here and it would be a really good idea to be working this out together.
If you get all of that out in the open, it should make it very much easier for you to work out when would be a good time to introduce the boyfriend, and how.
Dilys
Difficult son
Dear Dilys,
I have a difficult 18 year old son. So difficult in fact that he?s driven me out of my home. He mixes with a bad lot and uses alcohol and drugs most of the time so that it?s often not possible to reason with him. The real problem, though, is that my wife always takes his side and this has caused endless arguments between us. I?ve always tried to be firm?but she always gives into him and doles out money and favours the whole time. Which is why I moved out. But the arguments continue with her now demanding that I ?take responsibility? for my son and have him to live with me here. I doubt this will solve anything.
G
Dear G,
At 18 your son is old enough to take responsibility for himself. And that?s probably precisely what he needs to do in order to get over this risky phase in his life. As long as someone like your wife pussyfoots around him, cleans up after him, protects him from the anger of others and defends him to the world, he can simply carry on with all these risky habits thinking things are fine.
A dose of reality is probably what he needs. But instead it sounds as if your wife has been a bit blinded by love to the dangerous situation he?s got himself into. She?s rescuing him the entire time and colluding with him so that he probably can?t see just how bad things have become. And as long as this situation continues, he?ll have no reason to change.
It seems important to me that somebody gives him some tough love. And that would probably mean setting some firm boundaries, and insisting that the next time any one of these is breached, he?s out. The trouble is that with your wife taking his side all the time, this scenario is not likely to happen as long as he lives with her. You could offer to have him to stay with you, negotiate some firm boundaries and see how he responds to that. He may appreciate the face that he?s being consulted and may come to see your firmness as a demonstration of how much you care about him and his welfare. All of which may inspire him to take more care of himself. But you?re going to have to stick to your resolve and at the first sign of any rules being broken, you must enforce whatever sanctions you?ve devised/agreed upon. Even if that entails kicking him out to fend for himself.
At the end of the day, that is likely to the best way for him to learn just how hard life can be when there?s no home to go to and his brain?s continually addled by alcohol or drugs.
But that scheme won?t work unless your wife agrees not to take him back at that point. Until you can get that vital agreement, you?re probably best off insisting he stays with her. She will presumably grow weary of handling him on her own eventually and at that point she may well come round to your way of thinking.
Good Luck.
Dilys
Inheriting Family Values
Dear Dilys,
Can you help me explain to my wife that it?s not a sin to lie in bed at weekends? I work extremely long hours in the City and need to catch up on sleep on Saturdays and Sundays. She comes from a family of early risers who somehow believe it?s wrong to stay in bed after 8. So I find myself beginning to feel really guilty and self-indulgent if I don?t fall in with her pattern. But why should I? She complains that it wastes half the day but my argument is that if I don?t get this rest I?ll not be able to keep up my energy for work and our lifestyle will suffer. Who?s right?
Aaron
Dear Aaron,
This dilemma illustrates just how strongly we can be influenced ? without always realising it ? by our family of origin and their values. Your wife has clearly incorporated ? without question ? her parents? belief that it is ?good? to get up early??whereas in your family, this simply wasn?t an issue. If you didn?t have any guilty feelings about staying in bed late before you met your wife, why should you now? Hang on to this for otherwise you?re in danger of being manipulated into a bad feeling bad that actually has nothing whatsoever to do with you!
This is a very good example of how parents can manipulate their children into all manner of guilty feelings. In a healthy family, people are encouraged to do things, not because their parents say so, or because their parents force them into thinking certain things are ?correct? but because they?ll learn about negotiation, compromise, being considerate, and taking other peoples? views into account.
But all too often, I?m afraid, the children of less healthy families learn to fit in with their parents? agendas or risk getting into trouble. Children who are often made to feel guilty -about not tidying their room, or clearing their plate, or being polite, or doing exactly what their parents say ? can end up totally confused about their identity. They become so used to incorporating the family values and doing what they?re told that they lose all sense of self, all sense of who they are and what their true feelings and values are. Sadly, it?s often these children who end up with an eating disorder or harming themselves. They find themselves feeling like fish out of water at home and don?t know any other ways of dealing with all the bad feelings that pile on to their shoulders.
So remember this next time you?re hassled to get out of bed!
However, I?m sure you know that compromise is at the heart of every good relationship and that - from time to time and for the sake of peace and quiet - it would be an excellent idea to spend a whole Saturday or Sunday with your wife!
Dilys
Should I heal the rift with grief-stricken sister-in-law?
Dear Dilys
I fell out with my sister-in-law 13 years ago over an insult for which she never apologized. Since then relations between her and my side of the family have been strained. Lately she?s been trying to make contact. My brother died in an accident and I think she now wants contact with his family so she can talk about him etc. and so her children will have grandparents. But I?ll find it hard to swallow my pride and be nice to her - as will most of us who she insulted.
Jennie
Dear Jennie,
Family rifts are always thrown into sharp relief when tragedy strikes. It?s hardly surprising that your sister-in-law would now like to resume contact with her late husband?s family. She most probably feels cut off and bereft and would welcome the chance to swap notes and share memories with others who were fond of her late husband.
And, if truth be known, I dare say your side of the family would also like to be able to do the same. Certainly to have a relationship with your brother?s children who ? if I?m reading your letter aright ? you don?t really seem to know.
When we lose someone dear to us, it?s inevitable that we?re drawn to the people they loved best. Not all our friends or work colleagues will have known that person very well and people soon lose interest in talking about someone who?s died. Apart from family, that is, who are probably all too eager to get out the old photos and reminisce - for in that way they keep their memories of the dead person alive and feel closer to them.
So, for a start, try to understand your sister-in-law?s attempts to make contact and see them as perfectly natural.
But obviously this isn?t going to be easy for you. You don?t say precisely how you were insulted but I guess it must have been something serious for you to feel so strongly over it. And you don?t seem at all inclined to forgive or forget. Indeed, you seem to think you still deserve an apology for whatever it was that happened. Unfortunately, that is likely to be the sticking point. It could be that although you all feel an apology is necessary in order to get over what happened and resume relations with your sister-in-law, she may have no notion that this is what you?re expecting. She may not feel she needs to apologise for anything; perhaps in her eyes the ?insult? was more to do with how her comments were received/perceived than anything she intended. This is why insisting on an apology can lead you on to dangerous ground.
Think about what your brother would have liked. Did he often say to you that he would like you and his wife to get along better? If it bothered him when he was alive then it?s pretty certain he?d like you to make things up now. And if you try to see things from his point of view, it may make it easier for you to feel more kindly towards your sister-in-law. After all, he loved her enough to marry her, so he must have seen good things in her.
Dilys
Music loving Son
Dear Dilys,
My son who?s 22 left school at 16, attended 2 colleges but failed to complete both courses. He worked with Argos for four weeks and recently did 4 weeks with the Royal Mail. I?ve tried to help with application forms, CV?s etc. but his only interest is producing music. Opportunities in the music business are few and far between so he needs to find employment in other areas. My husband (his step-father) is fed up with my son wandering aimlessly through life and not contributing to the home and has said if he doesn?t find a job, he?ll have to leave the house. I feel totally distraught by the whole situation and frightened that it could get out of hand. Other contributing factors are 1) my son does not see his biological father. 2) My husband had an affair 2 years ago for which my son cannot forgive him.
J.J.
Dear JJ,
Your son clearly has a good deal to be upset about.
Lack of attention from a biological parent is often enough to bring on real depression and certainly contributes to low self-esteem. Your son may believe he?s not worthy of attention or not ?good enough? for his father to care. It?s hardly surprising therefore if he harbours a real sense of let-down and disappointment over this. And what bad luck then to have acquired another father figure with whom he doesn?t get on...and who's not exactly reliable/trustworthy either.
So it?s a complicated situation and one that?s not likely to be resolved by simply turning him out of the house.
However, all young people need to know that nothing comes for free. So, it?s important he contributes to his keep. Try and help him get some part-time work which leaves him free also to focus on his music. Let him see that you respect his devotion to music, that you can see how much it means and matters to him. If he feels he has a bit of support from you in this, he won?t feel so alienated. Being passionate about something can be a real driving force?.so If there?s the remotest chance that he could earn money out of his music, he?d be more likely to get up in the mornings and stick with a job like that.
And then all three of you need to sit down and thrash out an agreement whereby he can continue to live at home. Decide the minimum you?d like him to contribute and help him find ways to earn that amount.
In my experience, the most successful families are those which try to incorporate everyone?s views, where everyone?s prepared to compromise, and where there?s mutual trust and respect.
So these are the key areas to work on. Show your son that you trust and respect him as much as you can. And encourage your husband to do the same. In his turn, your husband now has to earn back your son?s trust and respect. This won?t be easy but a good place to start would be in having this round-table discussion in which you all try to see each other?s point of view, and all try to work out how you can accommodate your differing opinions, habits and life-styles under the same roof.
Dilys
Mum's affair
Dear Dilys,
My Mum?s having an affair behind my Dad?s back. I know this because I?ve found messages on her phone. When I challenge her, she says it isn?t so but blushes and looks flustered. I think my Dad has a right to know but don?t think I could tell him. I?ve thought of writing an anonymous letter, or leaving a message on his mobile. Would that be the way to do it?
Geena,
Dear Geena,
Ask yourself what you hope to achieve by telling your Dad. It?s bound to cause a huge rumpus and if you?re not careful, you?ll be the one who gets all the flack. I?d tread very carefully, if I were you, particularly as you?re not 100% sure of your facts.
There doesn?t seem to be a lot of point in causing a huge upset if there?s no substance to your suspicions. Messages on a mobile phone don?t always equate to an affair. And the fact that your Mum blushes and seems flustered doesn?t necessarily mean she?s guilty of all you suspect. You may have caught her off-guard; it would come as a bit of a shock to any mother, I imagine, to realise that her daughter was spying on her.
What?s behind all this, I wonder, Geena? What makes you read her messages in the first place? It sounds as if you may be feeling excluded, shut out and felt you had to resort to this kind of underhand behaviour in order to find out what?s really going on in your family.
It sounds as if this could all stem from a sense of insecurity on your part?..a worry about whether your parents will stay together and what will happen to you. Feeling insecure and uncertain is always uncomfortable and difficult.
But the trouble is that going behind peoples? backs in an attempt to find out what?s going on only fosters the whole sense of insecurity. It?s left you feeling even more unsure now than you were before you read the messages. And it?s not a very healthy way of going about things.
If you have concerns and doubts about how happy your parents are and whether they?re going to stay together, far better surely to have all this out in the open?
Try asking both parents for a heart to heart. Don?t throw around any accusations but let them know of your worries, your fears and your concern for your future.
Bear in mind that by requesting this kind of open and honest conversation, you may have to be prepared to hear some home truths. Try your utmost not to get involved in taking sides. And don?t forget that no marriage is 100% perfect and 100% happy.
At least getting things out in the open will allow you to understand how they view their relationship, what the future?s likely to hold and where you stand in all of this.
Dilys
Parents' open marriage
Dear Dilys,
I?m 34 and have always been told that my mother suffered from depression when I was little. My mother has just told me that she and my Dad had an 'open marriage' after I was born and that he had several affairs?.so I guess this explains things and fills in some missing pieces to the jigsaw. Perhaps I felt jealous and left out? But I have such mixed feelings. This is something I really didn?t want to know and now I can?t get it out of my mind. It makes me angry with my Dad?but I can?t tell him why or have it out with him (because I?ve been sworn to secrecy).
Gem
Dear Gem,
You?ve been put in an impossible position. As you say, this is information you didn?t want or need to know?and it?s obviously affecting you deeply. I can?t help wondering if your Mum?s timing doesn?t say something about her motives. Perhaps this was some kind of devious attempt to get you on her side, to see her point of view. Maybe she?s going through a bad time with your Dad and hoped to secure you as an ally. But parents shouldn?t use kids ? of whatever age - like this. What happened was between them and for them to sort out. Telling you now may have filled in a few gaps but it?s left you ? unsurprisingly - deeply unsettled.
Your mother?s depression seems always to have been an issue and may have left you wondering if your own birth had anything to do with it. The way these things are presented in families is all-important. Some people find themselves growing up in households where everything revolves around a parent?s mood?and it?s all too easy then for children to believe they have to ?be? a certain way, behave a certain way, in order to keep the parent well. This is an exceedingly hard burden to carry. Other families, on the other hand, manage things differently, constantly trying to protect the children from worry about their parents? health and well-being.
It?s impossible to tell from your letter if you?ve been brought up feeling guilty about your mother?s depression, but it?s clearly left you with lots of unanswered questions?all those missing pieces of the jigsaw that you describe. But it must feel really difficult to take on board this new piece of information at this stage for it is likely to colour your whole life ? in retrospect.
And that?s what?s so hard about being told now ? so many years on. It leaves you bewildered and confused, questioning your whole belief-system about your family and upbringing.
So although it may seem really difficult, I urge you not to let this news alter your relationship with your Dad. He?s obviously stayed with your mother for the length of your life. That demonstrates something about his sense of loyalty and devotion?to you, if not to your Mum. What happened all those years ago may have many explanations. Try not to judge him before finding out the details. And if this involves asking him, you may have to forget your promise to your Mum, in order to clear the air between you.
It is possible to love someone but not always like or approve of their actions?try to remember that and stay friends with your Dad.
Dilys
Cutting the apron strings
Dear Dilys,
Our daughter is 27 and still very dependent on us. She?s recently moved into a new flat and leads a busy working life but still phones home every evening for a chat. She also expects us to rush round and fix things like her shower or house-sit for deliveries. My husband patiently takes her calls and listens to her problems but I?m trying to distance myself from her a bit, fearing that if I don?t she?ll never really cut the apron strings and be truly independent. In my heart, I?d really like her to be out and about mixing with her own age group each night rather than bothering with us. Who?s right?
Jean
Dear Jean,
Many young people remain at home well into their 20?s nowadays because of the difficulty of affording their own places. So, it?s good news that you daughter has at least got a place of her own.
She clearly values your help and support and I?m sure it would feel hard to deny her that.
It?s always hard when we?ve done everything for our offspring when they were little, to step back and resist jumping in to ?fix? things once they grow up. But it?s a bit like young children and their shoe-laces. If you always tie them - they never learn to do it for themselves. So it could be said that the more you do for your daughter, the less she?ll learn to do for herself. And she?s of an age and at a time in her life when she needs to find out what it takes to run a life successfully.
It sounds as if you understand this rather better than your husband.
Sometimes we can fall into these patterns of behaviour by accident; could it be that your daughter believes you expect her to call each night? Could it be that you, or your husband may unwittingly, have given out signals that suggest you mind her moving out? And that a phone call is what you need every day to reassure you that all is well? It?s probably worth letting her know that this isn?t the case and that you want her to be out and about enjoying herself and not to have to worry about you.
You need to be careful, though, that she doesn?t pick up any anxiety from you about the fact that she?s not leading an exciting and full social life. If it?s the case, I?m sure she?ll be pretty sensitive about it anyway. It?s probably taking her time to find her feet, to meet the right people and to create a new social circle. So don?t withdraw your support totally. Encourage her to keep in touch and let her know that you?re always there in emergencies, but I suggest you try making yourselves unavailable from time to time.
Go out and switch your mobiles off. It won?t do her any harm to learn to manage alone and to see that you have your own lives to live. Maybe then, once she realises she doesn?t have to worry about you two, she?ll feel more inclined to focus on her own life.
Dilys
Parents won't let me play with a Muslim
Dear Dilys,
A friend at school has invited me to his house to play games and to eat but on many occasions my parents have refused. My parents are really afraid and scared as my friend is a Muslim. He has a really nice family, morals, values and upbringing. My friend is stable, confident, loving kind and nice but Mum and Dad is asking me to keep/stay away from him in case they cause harm to me. What do I do cause he?s kind of my best friend.David
Dear David,
This must be really hard for you. Evidently, unike your parents, you can see through peoples? outward appearances to their true character and nature that lies underneath.
You know your friend and his family are truly good people. You sound very perceptive for your age and wise, and well able to recognise good influences when you meet them.
Your parents, on the other hand, are given to making assumptions and judging people purely by outward appearances or by reputation. It sounds as if they have lumped all Muslims under the label ?terrorist threat? ?.otherwise why would they be worried about you getting to know this boy?
The fact that you say they are ?scared? and ?afraid? suggests also that they that they must be rather anxious people who are always expecting the worst.
But it?s hard to think what harm could come to you by befriending this boy, or by visiting his house. You can see this; it?s now surely a matter of helping them see it too.
It would be a pity to lose this friendship so try not to let your parents put you off. You?ll probably need to be persistent but if they continue to ban you from going to your friend?s house, try to get him invited to yours. If that?s not possible, arrange for him to call for you ? often - and make sure you?re not quite ready when he arrives, so that he has to come in and wait.
This may sound a bit devious but I?m a firm believer in the fact that once we get to know people it?s hard not to like them. Hopefully, by frequent brief contact with your friend your parents will find this out for themselves and begin to see what a decent chap he is.
The other thing I?d do would be to ask your parents if they can?t see their way to trusting you on this. On the assumption that you?ve had other friends over the years that they?ve got on with, try to point out how good your instincts for picking friends have been so far.
And on that basis, ask if they?ll at least agree not to put obstacles in the way of your relationship - even if they won?t go out of their way to encourage it.
Dilys
Wrong job
Dear Dilys,
I'm in the wrong job. I always knew that I should have trained as a teacher but my parents put pressure on me to get out to work early to help support the family. And now, 10 yhears down the line, I'm bored with my well-paid but mundane job and wonder if I'll ever have the guts to make a change. The trouble is, I'm in a rut. I'm married with kids and a mortgage and can't really afford to give up my job. Any suggestions as to how I can repair the damage I've done to my life and get some satisfaction and reward back into it?
Geoff
Dear Geoff,
The good news is that you know what?s wrong. It?s the people who have a vague idea that something?s wrong with their lives but don?t know how to fix it who have a problem! If it?s satisfaction and fulfillment you?re looking for, then there should be plenty of ways of finding it. How about picking a date, sometime in the future when you could give up your well-paid job and re-train as a teacher? That would give you a goal to aim for. Or take up some voluntary work involving young people. There?s always an opening for people who?re prepared to give up time to help others learn to read.
www.literacytrust.org.uk would be able to put you in touch with a volunteer scheme in your area which would enable you to help others and find out if you?re suited to teaching along the way.Caring daughter
Dear Dilys,
I am 46 and single, having spent most of my adult life looking after my elderly parents. Recently I?ve met a wonderful man and we?re talking about our future. He wants me to move with him to Spain but I?m unsure if I could leave my parents to go so far away. Besides I have all my sisters on my back telling me I ought to stay here and carry on looking after Mum and Dad because that?s what they expect. I think it?s about time my sisters took their turn and this is causing a lot of dissent. What do you think I should do because I have a feeling that whatever I end up deciding I?m going to be left feeling guilty.
Deirdre
Dear Deirdre,
It?s important to sort out these guilty feelings of yours and work out where they come from.
It?s one thing to feel guilty because we know in our heart of hearts that we could have done something differently. It?s another to be made to feel guilty by everyone around us.
In your case, it certainly sounds as if you?re being manipulated into these feelings by your sisters. Families where ?shoulds? and ?oughts? are regularly aired tend to be controlling families consisting of people with strong views who have no hesitation in sharing those views forcefully and regularly.
The irony is that most people who sprinkle their conversation with ?shoulds? and ?oughts? don?t like having the tables turned ? in other words if you start trying to tell them what you think they should do, they can be quite stroppy and objectionable.
To an outsider it seems obvious that you?ve done your bit with your parents and that it?s time now for your sisters to share the load. The fact that they don?t agree speaks volumes about the impact they fear this may have on their lives.
But look at the impact it?s had on your life; your devotion to your parents sounds as if it?s the reason you remained single so long. Now that you have the chance of happiness with a new partner it would be a real shame to pass it up.
You don?t say what age your parents are, or how much care they need, or where your sisters live in relation to them. But whatever the circumstances, a caring family could work this out. There are all kinds of possibilities open to your parents for finding good quality care and companionship and any number of arrangements your sisters could make to keep them safe, occupied and visited regularly.
Try to dissociate yourself from all the pressure being applied by your sisters. Put them out of the equation and ask yourself what you will feel like living a new life with your partner in Spain. Work out how often you could feasibly return to the UK and see if you?re happy with that. Think about what it will be like handing over responsibility to your sisters and not seeing your parents on a daily basis.
And don?t forget that although it would be a life-changing experience to up-sticks and move to Spain, it doesn?t have to be forever. Nothing?s set in stone. Viewing it as a long holiday to find out how you take to it and how your parents cope might make it seem less awesome.
Dilys
Daughter-in-law has cancer - how do I treat the children
Dear Dilys
My daughter-in-law has an aggressive form of cancer and is undergoing chemo-therapy. I look after my grandchildren (4 & 6) while she?s away for her treatment and I find it really hard to answer their questions. It?s heart-breaking to see their worried faces so I try to be cheerful. But I worry that in doing so, I?m not really being honest with them, or recognizing their pain. What?s the best course to take?
Kath
Dear Kath,
Obviously, your son and daughter-in-law will already have decided how much to tell their children about what?s going on. So whatever you do has to fit within that framework. The key thing is to be consistent. Your grandchildren will certainly pick up any discrepancies in what?s said. Children notice everything, so they will already have a pretty good understand that something serious is going on.
If I were you, I?d play things by ear, being as cheerful as you can but listening out all the while for any genuine concerns. When they crop up, address them as honestly as you can. Children are usually very direct, so be prepared for questions like: Is Mummy going to die? And be honest with your own feelings in your answers. Your grandchildren will be able to tell when you?re being sincere and open with them and they?ll appreciate that. So, answers like: I certainly hope not, she has some wonderful doctors who are looking after really well?are likely to be more helpful than trying to dismiss their fears with phrases like Don?t be Silly! Of Course not! That just makes them feel silly and wrong. They need to know that their feelings matter so treat all their worries seriously and deal with each one as it arises.
And don?t be afraid to show them your feelings. If you find tears in your eyes when explaining something about your daughter-in-law?s condition, these tears don?t need to be hidden from the children. They?ll be glad to see that you too care about their mother and it will give them permission to be honest about their feelings to you.
My guess is that they?ll view their time with you as something special - a welcome break from the worry of tip-toeing around their sick mother. So follow your initial gut instinct to show them a cheerful front and try to incorporate lots of fun activities into your time together. You can really take a lead from them. If they seem low and down and want to talk, notice that and allow them plenty of time and space to do so.
But if they prefer to rush around the park or garden, encourage them in that as well.
They most probably need to let off steam and exercise is a really good way of getting rid of anxiety and tension.
This is a difficult time for all of you Kath, but your grand-children are very fortunate in having someone as kind and caring as you to look after them when it really matters.
Dilys
Kids don't like new boyfriend
Dear Dilys
I?m a single Mum with two kids. 6 months ago I met a wonderful man and he moved in with us 2 months ago. The kids seemed to get on with him until he moved in but since then my 9 year-old has started playing up. I?ve tried everything I know to find out what?s wrong but he won?t talk about it. He?s all right when it?s just the two of us but changes the minute my b/f walks into the room. He has terrible temper tantrums and I?m afraid he?ll drive my boyfriend away.
Dear Chloey,
Children often find it hard to adjust to the arrival of a new person in the house. After all, just because you love your new boyfriend it doesn?t mean that your children will automatically take to him. So you might have to be patient a little while longer until things settle down and your son has grown used to the new arrangement.
If you put yourself in his shoes for a minute you?ll be able to see that he?s bound to feel a bit put out. His whole home-life has been turned around. He probably liked having you all to himself and now he has to share you. On top of that there?s somebody new around the place all the time and it?s not somebody of his choosing, is it? He may not like the idea of somebody else using his bathroom, putting him to bed or being there at breakfast. I guess his routine has changed in many ways and he probably feels a little less settled and secure than he used to.
On top of that, he sees you spending time and attention with this new boyfriend and that?s probably time which previously you?d have spent with him. He also undoubtedly sees you being lovey-dovey with your partner and he may feel jealous of that. He may feel that he?ll be squeezed out, that you won?t have so much time for him in future and won?t need all your usual cuddles if you?re getting them from someone else.
With a little effort, it should be possible to win him round again. Just make sure you show him that the new arrangements won?t make any difference to your relationship with him. Over-compensate for a while, consciously making sure you have one-on-one time with him often and never ignoring him simply because you?re pleased to see your partner.
Temper tantrums usually stem from anger and frustration. Kids often feel angry when things feel unfair and frustrated when they feel misunderstood. So concentrate for a bit on thinking about what recent changes might have felt unfair to him. And how you might have given the impression that you?re not listening to him or understanding his concerns. If you focus on those two areas, eliminating anything that might have set up those grievances for him, you should be well on the way to getting your happy little boy back again. It may mean sacrificing a bit of time with your boyfriend, or working out different routines for living together but it should be worth it in terms of overall family relations.
Dilys
Mising out on fun after arranged marriage?
Dear Dilys,
I?m a 20-year-old in an arranged marriage. I never really got on with my parents and was happy to move out. But when I was young I was never let out late, never had sleepovers and never saw London whereas now my sisters 2 years and 7 years young than myself don?t listen to my parents, go out, enjoy themselves and even stay out late. And they?re not married and are allowed to do everything I wasn?t. Even my husband notices this and hates the way there is differences. I love my parents and I do get on with them except my mum nags a lot 24/7 and so I don?t go over often. But I don?t like the way I was treated and feel I've missed out.
A
Dear A,
It's not surprising you feel you've missed out. It must be really hard having to sit back and watch your sisters being given all this freedom which was denied to you. And even now - despite you being a married woman - it seems that your mother is still trying to control you with her nagging while allowing her other two daughters to do as they please.
This is precisely the kind of situation that can set up real problems in a family. We all like equal and fair treatment and when it?s so obvious that things aren?t fair, we all too easily become resentful.
The trouble is that you can't change the past. So there isn't a lot of point in making yourself miserable by looking back. You probably have to accept that you will never be able to experience sleep-overs as your sisters did. You?re way past that stage by now! But there are surely other things that your sisters do that you could too? Try to make your own life with your husband as much fun as you possibly can. You're still young and have plenty of time to make the most of it. Try and persuade him to take you out in London as often as he can. Try to capture some of the lifestyle and experiences you missed out on as a teenager. Visit all the places your sisters know that you don't. Go clubbing; stay out late. As long as you fill your time up with fun things to do and are really making the most of your own life, you won't have time or energy to feel envious of your sisters and their lifestyle.
Make a list of all the things that you?ve heard about but were never allowed to do?and tick them off one by one. That should both satisfy your curiosity and give you something to look forward to.
And perhaps once you?d experienced some of these things you might feel a bit less upset about what you missed in the past. And then in that calmer frame of mind you could broach the subject with your mother. It probably wouldn't do any harm for you to air your feelings. It might not change anything, but who knows, once they see you standing up for yourself they may start treating you with greater respect.
Dilys
I see my ex in my little boy
Dear Dilys
I have three lovely kids with two different fathers. The only problem is that occasionally I can see my ex-partner in the three year old. He has a stubborn manner just like his Dad and even at this young age can put his foot down and not be budged. When he's like that I find myself going off him. That sounds terrible I know but I can't think how else to describe it. It was that bit of my partner's nature that eventually came between us. But how can I get over this and prevent it coming between my little boy and me?
Vera
Dear Vera,
The good news is that you've recognised this danger at a relatively early stage....so yes, you should be able to prevent it becoming a problem between you. It sounds as if you may still have a load of unresolved feelings around your ex- partner, some resentment perhaps at how much his stubbornness affected you and changed your relationship?
I suggest you probably need an outlet for all these feelings and a chance to get it all off your chest. Try some counselling. It would enable you to explore what it was about your partner's stubborn side that got to you, why it wound you up so much, what buttons it pressed for you. It would help you to get all the bad stuff that's still hanging around out of your system...and enable you to learn more about yourself in the process.
The key is that once you could recognise what the stubbornness triggers off for you, you'd be able to adjust how you react to it. We all have this ability to monitor our feelings and control them. We just don't always know it. So that if you were able to watch out for your irritation as it begins to build whenever you little boy starts behaving in a stubborn manner....you'd be able to talk to yourself, to keep yourself calm, tell yourself to keep your temper in check, to count to ten before you speak, to think about why he's behaving in that way and consider his side of the story, before jumping down his throat with some angry reaction.
This isn't to say his stubbornness won't ever annoy you again. It probably will, but you'll be learning calm ways to deal with it rather than allowing yourself to get upset every time. And that will be better for you and for him.
The fact is that he probably can?t help this side of his nature. If he?s inherited it from his Dad, it?s like to be well ingrained. And it would be a tragedy for the pair of you to spend your life fighting over it. So the best course of action must be for you to build up your defenses so that it doesn?t get to you quite so much.
And try to see you son in the round...there must be lots of lovely aspects to his personality as well. So focus on those, celebrate those and reward him every time he's not stubborn.
Dilys
Middle Child of 6
Dear Dilys
I am almost the middle one of 6 children and feel I totally missed out on my parents? attention. There are three sisters ahead of me, who seemed to fulfil all my parents? hopes and dreams for girls and then two boys after me who provided a new focus. Consequently I always felt left out, overlooked, unimportant. I?m 30 now, preparing to get married and noticing stirrings of bitterness about how little anyone cares. Is it too late to do something about it?
Helen
Dear Helen,
This sounds like an ideal time to sort out all your insecurities around your upbringing?.otherwise you?re likely to carry the bitterness into your new relationship. This wouldn?t be fair on your partner nor any children you may have. It?s all too easy to become jealous of our own children if we don?t feel fulfilled and satisfied by our own lives.
However, because of your awareness of how it feels to be left out, you?ll probably be really good at avoiding such pitfalls yourself. You?ll ensure you treat your own offspring absolutely fairly; you?ll want them all to feel equally loved, valued and important. So you have a head-start here really - for you?ll do your utmost never to repeat any of your own parents? mistakes. And your children will undoubtedly benefit hugely from these insights about your own childhood?and your life so far. That?s the ?plus? in your situation.
The ?minus? is that none of that actually helps you. So you also need to take care of yourself. It sounds as if you?ve had to harden your heart somewhat to the carelessness of your own family. Only now - as you embark on your new life and finally experience what it?s like to feel loved - is some bitterness beginning to stir. And it would be a pity if you had to spend the remainder of your life with this barrier between you and your closest relations. You have a choice really, of confronting your family about this, which may stir up considerable bad feeling but could clear the air for you. Or of going to a professional for some help in working through all the left-over feelings.
Both scenarios are likely to be traumatic, but helpful in the long run.
Probably the best idea is to combine the two. Get some counselling or psychotherapy to help you examine and work through all your bad feelings. It will boost your confidence within the family and help you find the appropriate voice in which to let them know how you?ve felt all these years. You can also use the counselling to help you rehearse what to say to your family and to predict and prepare for their reactions too. All of which will leave you feeling more confident and in control about approaching them.
Try to keep the conversation calm and measured and remember that if you stick to explaining how you feel, rather than criticising or blaming them, they can?t argue with that! It may, indeed, come as a big surprise to them to learn what you?ve been keeping to yourself all these years ??.and hopefully lead to a big shift in attitudes all round.
Good Luck.
Dilys