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© 2006 Dilys Morgan
Made by Text Matters

Sibling Rivalry

Dear Dilys

I have two girls - 3 and 5.  They've always been best friends and the older girl has always looked after the younger one and seemed to adore her.  Lately, though, the younger one has been to and from the doctor's surgery.  It seems it's some kind of allergy but whatever it is, it's making life miserable for her and the rest of us.  She's lost some of her sparkle, understandably, and is tired a lot of the time.  But the real problems stem from the older girl who has been very intolerant of her younger sister's difficulties....and is developing an attention-seeking streak.  How do I put a stop to this before it develops into real sibling rivalry?

AD

Dear AD,

What you describe sounds like very normal behaviour.  As we all know, any first born child has to make huge adjustments the minute a younger one is born.  It can't be easy to go from being the sole focus of your parents'  love and attention, to having to share it with a sibling.  I'm sure you spent a lot of time, when your youngest first arrived, making sure the older one never felt left out.  And I imagine you've encouraged her over the years, to share all her toys as well as her love and affection with her sister.  I'm sure you did whatever you could to make her feel secure of your devotion.  Now though, with the younger one taking up so much of your time and attention, I guess any slight fears your eldest might have had about being edged out of your affections, are coming to the surface.  So try to understand where she's coming from....if you can do that, you'll find her easier to deal with. 

Try to address the problem by giving her as much attention as you possibly can.....smother her, if necessary, with hugs and fuss and playtime - as well as plenty of time on her own with you.  (It's a bit like feeding a compost heap....the more you put in, the more you'll get out! ) If her behaviour so far really has been 'attention-seeking' (although I hate that phrase and will come back to it), then you'll be giving her what she craves so there should be no nead for her to act up any longer.  But if it's been a simple fear that she's slipping down the list of your affections, that her sister's illness is squeezing her out, that you don't have so much time for her any longer because you prefer her sister, then you'll be setting her mind at rest about all this at the same time.

'Attention - seeking' is a phrase that's bandied about all too often nowadays and is often used to describe young people who self-harm or develop eating disorders.  I'd point out, though, that you have to be feeling really really bad inside to want to hurt yourself in such drastic ways.  Young people who turn to such destructive behaviours are always deeply unhappy inside and usually feel they have no other place to turn.  When they harm themselves, they're not doing it to attract attention but because it's the only way they've found to express themselves.

If you think about this in relation to your daughter, I'm not suggesting she is yet that unhappy, but the behaviour which you describe as attention-seeking, is possibly the only way she's found to let you know how she's feeling inside - and to hint at some of her deep-seated fears and worries about losing your love and affection.

And while you're spending time alone together, use the time to try and find out how her sister's illness is affecting her.  It's often hard to do this with words alone with small children, so use toys to help her re-enact various scenarios and ask her - for instance - how her teddies feel when one of the others is ill, or has to go to the doctor.  That way you'll probably get some really useful insights into what's going on for her.

Dilys

Dreading the Teenage Years.....

Dear Dilys

How do I prevent my two adorable children turning into the teenage monsters I see all around me?  Mine are now 9 and 11 and still utterly delightful.  I don't know how I'm going to cope when they turn against me as all my friends' teenagers seem to do.....and start being disobedient, challenging us and our rules and values.  Any ideas please?

Meena

Dear Meena,

Not all teenagers turn out to be little monsters!  But it's very sensible to be wanting to take steps now to prevent this happening to your two.  And your attitude as a parent is all important.  I could go on for hours/pages about how I feel too many parents bring their problems on themselves but let's just try to sum things up here.  If you think about it, when your children are little, of course you all get on.  They've known nothing different and their instinct is to want to please you.  But as they grow up and meet with other children and other families, they get a different perspective.  And as they become teenagers a new instinct arrives - which is to find out who they are and how they fit into the world, not just into your family.  That leads them to explore and experiment and sometimes, often indeed, to decide they want to do things rather differently from you.  And that is where the conflict usually begins.  But if you, as a parent, can step back from some of this and relax, and see that this is what they need to do to grow up, then you'll be doing yourselves a great favour.  Teenagers usually emerge as lovely young adults - that's what parents often tend to forget!!  So chances are yours will too no matter how much they try your patience in the meantime.  So let them experiment (as long as they're safe) and encourage them to develop their own views and values even if they don't fit in with your own.  Debate and discuss things with them and listen to their point of view.  Show them you can treat their developing ideas and opinions with respect and that'll help them respect your standpoint too.  And one other word of advice - pick your battles.  If you really do care strongly about something such as curfew times, then  stick up for yourself and stick to your guns on that.  But let up a bit on the more minor matters like tidy rooms or being late for mealtimes or grunting!  Some things are worth fighting over, but lots aren't.

Dilys