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Mum was the glue that held the family together...
Dear Dilys,
My Mum died last year and only now am I beginning to realise what a calming influence she was on all my brothers and sisters. We got through the business of the funeral and the will OK but nowadays we always seem to be rowing and it’s upsetting. I have one sister in particular who’s very needy; she’s always trying to fix up to see me and do things together but she’s crowding me and I feel I need to tell her. On the other hand, I don’t want to speak out and then fall out….Mum wouldn’t like us to be at each others’ throats.
Melanie
Dear Melanie,
How clever of you to have realised what’s going on. Families are fluid things and relationships often alter according to who’s around at any one time.
Now that you’ve lost your mother, it’s becoming clear just how much you all depended on her to keep the family calm, civilized and together. But with this insight, you’re in the perfect position to decide how to manage things from now on.
In time, it may be that one of your siblings takes on the role of peace-maker - but it’s early days yet. You’ve all got to adjust to the new set of circumstances; it sounds as if the family feels a bit like a pack of cards that’s been tossed up in the air. You’re waiting to find out exactly where they’re all going to fall…and how you all end up in relation to each other.
In your case it sounds as if you’re still anxious to please your mother, and that desire will probably ensure that you manage to keep on good terms with all your siblings.
But you probably also have to learn to look out for yourself now – your Mum’s no longer here to do this for you and I’m sure she wouldn’t have wanted you to wear yourself out in an attempt to look after your sister.
It may be a bit too soon to have this out with your sister. It sounds as she’s feeling completely lost without your Mum and in constant need of support. You’re probably both still feeling a bit raw, so bide your time.
But try to deal with her by being firm about your own boundaries; see her when it suits you and only then. You don’t need to make up excuses; and you don’t have to make her feel unwanted or squeezed out. Put it to her that you’ve learned that part of the healing process for you is to ensure enough space and time for yourself. Tell her that you understand that her way of dealing with things is different and that you can see this leaves you unable to be available to her as much as she’d like. And then go on to encourage her to find support for herself from other sources as well as you.
If she sees that this is your issue and not a rejection, she shouldn’t take offence. And putting yourself in the position of having more choice around how often you see her, should free you up too and make you feel considerably less pressured.
Dilys
Can 9-year-old cope with a funeral?
Dear Dilys,
What’s your view about taking a 9-year-old to the funeral of his brother-in-law who he was very fond of and who died suddenly and unexpectedly? It’s been a traumatic time for us - but we don’t know if this something he should be able to cope with or will it prove really traumatic at this young age?
Emily
Dear Emily,
Be guided by the 9 year old. A funeral is only likely to be traumatic for a nine-year-old if he has no clue what to expect. Fear of the unknown is what normally troubles us most and that’s what often makes people uneasy around death, dying and funerals.
But if you explain everything about the funeral to the nine-year-old in advance so that he knows exactly what to expect, you’ll be taking a good deal of the anxiety out of the situation for him. Answer any questions he may have as fully as you can. He may want to know what a coffin is like, where the body is kept before the service, and what happens to it afterwards.
Certainly make sure that he understands what will happen during the funeral service and at the crematorium or the burial ground. Consult him, if you can, about the service and involve him in any plans you have for readings or music. Make sure he knows and understands the arrangements for the day too. So that he knows if he’s expected to follow the coffin into the service and where he’ll sit. Tell him that he can have some choice in how much of the funeral he attends. He may be happy to come to a service, say, but unwilling to witness a burial.
Reassure him that it’s OK to go with whatever feelings crop up for him. He may have concerns about being seen to be upset, so he needs to know that crying is perfectly acceptable and that he most likely won’t be the only one shedding tears.
Explain also what happens afterwards. Children can find themselves a bit bewildered at what appears to be a party after a funeral service. They can’t always understand why adults seem to be chatting and laughing - as if nothing’s wrong. He needs to know that people do this to pay their respects, to demonstrate how much they cared for the person and to share memories. And although it can be a difficult occasion, it can also be a very valuable way of learning more about the person who’s died and the friends they had.
Once you’ve given him all this information, he’ll be in a good position to make informed choices about how much – or how little - he participates in the day.
Funerals are a very valuable way for relatives to let go of their loved ones and the nine-year-old probably needs this chance as much as the rest of you. But he needs to know also that you’re all going to find the day traumatic. Make sure he understands that he’s not alone and that you’re all there to help and support him – and each other - through it.
Dilys