Main text. You can move to the list of site features, or read the navigation again.
Our physical health can have an impact on our well-being and mental health...so I'm including a few letters on health subjects here in the hope that some of the issues may be familiar to others.....
Best friend's mother has died of cancer and I don't know what to say to her
Dear Dilys
My best friend’s mother died over the summer of cancer. I haven’t seen her since and don’t know how I’m going to face her at school. I just don’t know what to say to her; we’ve only texted so far. It’s such a big thing and I’m sure I ought to know what to do but I really don’t and it’s beginning to worry me and give me bad dreams. She’s always been there for me, and now I don’t seem to know how to be there for her.
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
What a dilemma for you. You clearly want to help your friend but feel completely unsure of how to do this. Above all, try not to feel bad about this. As you say, it is an enormous thing for your friend to have lost her Mum. Not many of us have to deal with something so big so young. So there is no right and wrong way to behave around your friend. Her experience of the loss of her mother will be individual to her; no one else can possibly know how she’s feeling inside.
The very fact that you want to be helpful is what matters here and the fact that you've been thinking it all through.
I imagine your friend is also feeling anxious about what it will be like to return to school under these entirely new circumstances. She may well have worries about whether she's got to explain everything to everybody - or whether some of them will already know. She may be concerned that if too many people try to be too sympathetic she may not be able to handle it. On the other hand, she may find it very strange if everyone acts as if nothing's changed. That can be very unsettling for someone who's suffered such a big loss.
Why not try and take some of the worry out of it all by asking her what she’d like from you? You could do this by text, explaining how you’re feeling out of your depth as this is not something you’ve had todeal with before. If you tell her that you really want to try and make her return to school as easy and painless as possible, this gives her the chance to have a good long think about she’d like things to go.
She may well be glad of the opportunity to open up about her own concerns and she may be very grateful that there'll be somebody around who understands a bit of what she's going through. She may ask you to tell people on her behalf; or she may ask you to ask others not to mention it, or how she'd like it mentioned. SHe may be glad if she knows people will understand if she simply bursts into tears. She may like time apart from everyone else from time to time.
Finding out about all these wishes of her will be enormously helpful to her and give you the chance to pick up clues to help you too.
Dilys
Daughter-in-law has cancer - how do I treat the grandchildren?
Dear Dilys My daughter-in-law has an aggressive form of cancer and is undergoing chemo-therapy. I look after my grandchildren (4 & 6) while she’s away for her treatment and I find it really hard to answer their questions. It’s heart-breaking to see their worried faces so I try to be cheerful. But I worry that in doing so, I’m not really being honest with them, or recognizing their pain. What’s the best course to take?
KathDear Kath,
Obviously, your son and daughter-in-law will already have decided how much to tell their children about what’s going on. So whatever you do has to fit within that framework. The key thing is to be consistent. Your grandchildren will certainly pick up any discrepancies in what’s said. Children notice everything, so they will already have a pretty good understand that something serious is going on.
If I were you, I’d play things by ear, being as cheerful as you can but listening out all the while for any genuine concerns. When they crop up, address them as honestly as you can. Children are usually very direct, so be prepared for questions like: Is Mummy going to die? And be honest with your own feelings in your answers. Your grandchildren will be able to tell when you’re being sincere and open with them and they’ll appreciate that. So, answers like: I certainly hope not, she has some wonderful doctors who are looking after really well…are likely to be more helpful than trying to dismiss their fears with phrases like Don’t be Silly! Of Course not! That just makes them feel silly and wrong. They need to know that their feelings matter so treat all their worries seriously and deal with each one as it arises.
And don’t be afraid to show them your feelings. If you find tears in your eyes when explaining something about your daughter-in-law’s condition, these tears don’t need to be hidden from the children. They’ll be glad to see that you too care about their mother and it will give them permission to be honest about their feelings to you.
My guess is that they’ll view their time with you as something special - a welcome break from the worry of tip-toeing around their sick mother. So follow your initial gut instinct to show them a cheerful front and try to incorporate lots of fun activities into your time together. You can really take a lead from them. If they seem low and down and want to talk, notice that and allow them plenty of time and space to do so.
But if they prefer to rush around the park or garden, encourage them in that as well.
They most probably need to let off steam and exercise is a really good way of getting rid of anxiety and tension.
This is a difficult time for all of you Kath, but your grand-children are very fortunate in having someone as kind and caring as you to look after them when it really matters.
Dilys
Should I give my girlfriend a nose job for her birthday?
Dear Dilys,
I’m thinking of giving my girl-friend a nose-job as her birthday present. I’m only doing this because she’s told me she’s self-conscious about her nose and has thought about changing it. But friends are trying to warn me off, saying that if I mention my idea I’ll only give her more of a complex about her nose. What do you think?
Glen
Dear Glen,
I’d be very wary of giving anyone any form of cosmetic surgery as a present. Our looks aren’t a commodity that can be changed at will without huge personal and sometimes psychological cost.
If your girlfriend is serious about having her nose done, she’s likely to discuss with her nearest and dearest. So wait until that moment before bringing up the subject and then you can be seen as trying to respond to her concern rather than having anything against her nose yourself!
Her friends are right to think this is a touchy area. She may have been simply sounding you out about what you thought of her nose when she last mentioned it. There’s a vast difference between being self-conscious about it and feeling it needs to be changed. If she felt, after your last discussion, that it didn’t bother you at all, she may have decided she can live with it. And you certainly don’t want to make her think you feel she needs to have the nose done.
If the appropriate moment arises, though, when she clearly wants to talk about it, try to ask her open questions about her own feelings rather than jumping in with any views of your own. When people ask what we think about their appearance, they rarely want an honest answer from us. It’s more likely that they’re simply testing us, using us as a sounding-board so that they can then work out their true feelings for themselves.
So tread carefully with your girl friend and be sure to let her know that you love her just as she is and that no change is necessary as far as you’re concerned.
It would, after all, be a pretty shallow relationship if your love for her depended on the size and shape of her nose!
Any nose-job is likely to involve major surgery and is therefore not to be entered into lightly. Your girlfriend would have to undergo a general anaesthetic which is a risk in itself, and as with all operations there’s always a slight risk of infection.
So, she needs to talk this over with professionals and people who are qualified to help. Tell her to start with BAAPS - the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons whose surgeons are all fully trained (
Counselling can help weigh up all the pros and cons and ensure she doesn’t have too high hopes of the operation. Some cosmetic surgery can provide a boost to confidence but sometimes it’s a huge let down.
Dilys
Love-life after hysterectomy
Dear Dilys,
I’ve been told that a woman who’s had her womb removed cannot give a man satisfaction as there is no ‘contact’ only open space to go into. Is this true? Also that a woman gets no pleasure from a man if she has had her womb removed. Is there any truth in this? I am courting someone and hope to marry her. It’s not that I am looking for lots of sex (or care about having children) but I could not accept a relationship without any sexual pleasure, not just for me but for her as well. I’m sorry but I cannot bring myself to discuss this with my girlfriend as we will not have sex until we are married.
B
Dear B,
Most experts agree that sexual relations for women after hysterectomy can be really good - sometimes even better than before.
This isn’t always the case - as it depends quite how much of the cervix and womb are removed and where your partner gets most pleasure. But it seems that once all the problems that led to a hysteroctomy have been removed, a woman can relax around sex and enjoy it with renewed vigour.
The best indicator of the enjoyment a woman derives from sex after a hysterectomy may be what kind of sex-life she had before. The trouble is that your reluctance to discuss this with your partner means you’ll never know!
It seems a pity that you feel unable to bring up the subject with her. After all, good intimate sexual relations depend on a good intimate personal relationship. And a good personal relationship is one where both parties feel they can be open and honest with each other. It would surely be a good idea at least to get as close and in tune with each other as possible before making a commitment to marry. I imagine your girlfriend is as anxious as you are about what’s going to happen around sex - so it would be doing her an enormous favour if you could only broach the subject and calm her fears.
Discussing it should bring you closer and I’m sure you’d both find that helpful. Then once you’re married your closeness will enable you to talk freely and openly about what you both want from the sexual act. And this is important; it’s far better to be able to speak freely about your desires and what works for you. That way together you’ll be able to build up a routine that suits you both and brings you both maximum pleasure. As for for you concerns about an ‘open space’ where the womb used to be, that is just one of those myths that is absolutely not based in reality.
(www.hysterectomy-association.org.uk 0871 781 1141)
Dilys