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Relationships.....all kinds of problems here that have anything to do with relationships.
Should I warn friends off an ex?
Dear Dilys,
I was going out with this man for nearly five years when he dumped me. It wasn’t the first time and both times it was because he’d fallen head-over-heels with someone else. The first time I took him back, obviously, and by the second time around really regretted it. But I thought I loved him and he always said he loved me. And when we were a couple we were good together. However last week at a mutual friend’s party I saw him chatting up yet another girl, really getting up close and sexy with her. Even though he left me for what he said was the ‘love of his life’ who was abroad on business and couldn’t make the party. Should I warn her about this man and his tendency to cheat?
Sharon
Dear Sharon
It must have been a real shock to watch your ex 'at work' chatting up yet another in his string of conquests. But I guess it also must have left you with mixed feelings. It probably raised a whole load of issues for you about whether this is his normal behaviour….and how often he chatted up other women during your time together.
But for that very reason, perhaps it was a good thing that you've had your eyes open at last. For he probably wasn't ever going to be a good partner…..and at least you've had the chance to find this out for yourself.
However, that doesn't make your current dilemma any easier to solve. I can see precisely why you feel you have some sort of responsibility to 'tell on him', to make sure his new girlfriend knows what she's letting herself in for. But it's always a problem knowing whether or not to intervene in other peoples' relationships. Your ex-boyfriend, would, no doubt hold a big grudge against you if you were to drop him in it. And his current girlfriend simply may not believe you. So you could go to all the trouble of gearing yourself up for a big showdown, only to find her in denial and him ostracising you.
His lack of inhibition at chatting up this girl in your presence says a lot, I suppose, about what an insensitive type he is. So he may well have the bravado to handle any accusations from you. But what about the girl? Try to put yourself in her shoes and think deeply about what you would have felt like when you were his girlfriend. Would you have welcomed hearing about his true nature? Or would the hackles have gone straight up as you leapt to his defense?
Remember too that we all react in different ways. Fidelity may have been important to you. It may not be to her. So it’s probably wise not to assume you know what’s best for her. Keep an eye on the situation and be sure to let this guy know that you don’t feel in any way obliged to cover up for him. If he continues to play away, others will undoubtedly know what he gets up to and it will probably become increasingly hard for him to cover his tracks. So you may find the word gets out without any help from you.
Dilys
Moaning friend
Dear Dilys,
I have a friend who is always moaning on about her life and asking for advice. Whenever we're together I can guarantee that before too long she starts posing problems for me to solve. But every time I give my advice or try to help.. she always has an answer why that won't do, can't happen etc. etc. It's driving me up the wall and I'm seriously considering ending the friendship simply to get some peace and quiet back in my life…and get her off my back!
Sadie
Dear Sadie,
This sounds like a well-recognised type of behaviour called the 'Yes But' syndrome. What happens is that people appear to be seeking advice, but whenever concrete ideas and suggestions are offered, just as you describe, the person comes straight back with the words 'Yes But' followed by one hundred and one reasons why that course of action won't work for them.
They can be the most infuriating people to try and help. It feels like they’re wanting our attention on the one hand, yet blocking attempts to help them at every turn.
It’s a kind of a game really where they get some satisfaction from laying out their dilemmas in front of the rest of us and then rigidly rejecting any of our attempts to help.
It’s thought that people do this in order to feel better, superior, more knowledgeable than the rest of us. They put us on the spot and then knock us firmly back when we try to help. So that’s probably why they enjoy it: it’s a game that they can always win because they can prove the rest of us wrong. That probably helps them feel a bit superior to the rest of us. After all, they have to be getting something out of it, otherwise why would they persist?
So the best course of action is simply to but out of the game. Refuse to play. Never ever offer your friend any advice whatsoever. Give her good open listening instead, making sure she knows that you’ve listened to her problems and heard what she says. Things like "I see" or "OK" can suffice. Or reflect her own words back to her as in: "So you’re finding that really hard"…..or "Goodness that does sound a difficult one…" You could even go so far as to say things like; "So what are you going to do about it?" Or: "How’re you going to solve that one then?"
This subtly changes the rules and means the game’s not so much fun for her any more. Once she doesn't get the satisfaction of making you wrong, she may give up trying. But it’s also more helpful in a way, because instead of blocking every attempt you make to help her, she’s actually put back into the position of having to do some thinking for herself and take some decisions of her own. Good Luck!
Dilys
Lonely late in life
Dear Dilys,
You often feature letters from elderly women who are lonely but what about us men? I too have difficulty making friends. The only place I can really meet people is through Church. But most women there seem happy amongst their own company talking about grandchildren, knitting, cooking etc. They organize the social activities, the Bring and Buys etc. and they seem very self-sufficient. Indeed, they form very tight little circles......how can I break in?
G
Dear G,
By getting on their wavelength.
It sounds as if you're not stuck for opportunities to meet women, just stuck over getting to know them.
I agree that women can form tight-knit, intimidating circles which make it look as if they're very self-sufficient and closed to new-comers. But most people are friendly at heart and I'm sure these women would be devastated if they knew they were coming across as a 'closed shop'.
If you really want to get to know them, you may have to do so on their terms. Listen in to their conversations to find out what excites them most. Read up on some of the things they discuss. It may not come easily to you to buy women's magazines or read the women's pages in newspapers but these could be an excellent fund of research material. And treat this like a project; read up what you can, store in your mind a few likely topics of conversation, and practice how you're going to bring them up.
Then listen to how they chat amongst themselves about their various families and grandchildren. This kind of chatter often comes more easily to women than men but that doesn't mean you can't learn how to do it. And you've got their example in front of you, so use it! Listen in unashamedly and try to copy their conversational gambits.
Writing this letter reminds me of all the occasions when I've had to try and help teenagers in the same situation. They too find it intimidating to break into friendship groups and are often at a loss as to what to say. Small talk is probably one of the least valued arts but one that is such an asset. I usually advise youngsters to listen out for how their friends meet and greet each other and encourage them to watch out for this on tv too. Soaps can be a really useful source for tips here, and there's no reason why you shouldn't watch out for examples of people getting to know each other on Eastenders, or Coronation Street or whatever.
Lastly, most women love to take care of people. So why not try playing the fool in the kitchen and ask for their help with some cookery problem or other? Everyone likes to be asked for advice, so dream up problems for them to solve. If they feel they can help you, I'm sure they'll gradually draw you into their circle. And once you're 'in' you can relax on all these techniques and just be yourself.
Dilys
Perils of Friends Reunited
Dear Dilys,
I'm one of those people who's found a lost love through a ‘Find an Old Flame’ Website. I'd like to advise other people against doing what I did. I met my teenage sweetheart and the earth seemed to move. I left my husband for him and he left his wife. In my case that meant walking out on two teenage kids and I'll never regret anything more in my life. My old flame has now gone back to his wife. I'm on my own. My husband won't talk to me and nor will the kids. If I could have seen the future I'd never have done what I did. Why I thought I needed to capture some old romance, I can't think.....it obviously fizzled out at the time for good reason and I should have left it at that.
Daisy
Dear Daisy,
Thank you for that cautionary tale. You're going through a tough time right now, so try not to make it worse being heaping too much blame on yourself. You're not the first person to have been seduced by the excitement of re-kindling an old love. I guess you had very strong feelings for this first love....that's why it can seem so attractive to meet up again.
First loves often make us feel really special for the very first time…and I imagine that's why we sometimes hanker after them. We remember the novelty of being worshipped; we recall how special and exciting all that attention was. It's easy to be fooled into thinking that's how it would have carried on. And just as you say, it's all too easy to forget that it probably fizzled out for very good reason.
Coupled to that, many people find that after a few years of marriage and kids, things begin to feel a bit tame and mundane. Meeting up with your old love probably introduced some welcome excitement at a dull time. Obviously it would have been preferable to find other less risky ways of achieving this excitement, but there's not a lot of point in going over and over the past. Things are bad enough for you right now, so don’t dwell on the past.
Focus instead on rebuilding your family's trust. This won't be easy but is probably best tackled by being absolutely open and honest with them. Explain to them how stupid you feel and tell them about all your regrets. If they won't speak to you, try text, email or letters. Don't expect quick results, but if you keep working away at it, telling them how sorry you are, demonstrating all the time how you want to make amends, and explaining how much you want them back in your life, they may eventually agree to see you.
If all your attempts at communication are permanently blocked, try using an intermediary. Someone like a sister, aunt or friend, who could keep telling them how much you miss and love them, could eventually help them see just what a mess you feel you've made of things and how you'd dearly love a second chance.
Everyone deserves at least one second chance in life….. hopefully they'll come to see that.
Dilys
Getting beyond the first date
Dear Dilys,
I am a single woman of 32 who’s not yet found a man and have a number of girlfriends in the same boat. We meet men via friends, at parties or dinners, fix up a date, enjoy it…. then never hear from them again. It’s almost as if there’s a conspiracy! We never get the chance to take a relationship forwards and are left feeling lonely. Is it because men today don’t want to commit? Or are we frightening them off?
Arianna
Dear Arianna,
This is increasingly a problem. Perhaps 30-something male readers of this column might like to write in with their side of the story? It could be illuminating.
Some men are clearly happy simply to play the field. Having a series of one-off dates suits them. Others are probably just slow in getting organised and don’t have the pressure of the biological clock ticking as you do.
Others though, as you suggest, may be intimidated by you and your high-powered friends. Have you thought about how you come across on a date? If you’re a success, fully in control of your own life and good at what you do, it’s possible that you come across so independent and self-sufficient that men feel redundant.
You probably revel in your independence, and why shouldn’t you? It’s been hard-won and I guess you’ve worked exceedingly hard to earn it. And once tasted, it’s the kind of thing that’s hard to relinquish.
So I imagine it’s possible, that - without your even realising it – you’re giving off the kinds of signals which say just that: “ this is me, I’ve fought hard to get here, I love my life, I value my independence, I’m not prepared to give it up for anyone, no one messes with me, and I’d be very cautious if I were you before taking me on!”I’m exaggerating, of course, to make the point……….. but if you recognise anything at all in those words, then have a think about the kind of message they convey to your dates.
It would probably be a good idea to check this out with some close male friends. Ask them to sit down with you and have a serious chat about how you come across. And ask them, also, about what they find appealing in a woman. Then together perhaps you can work out some techniques for managing to appear a bit more approachable, more open to suggestion, maybe?, so that prospective boyfriends don’t feel that there’s no point in seeing you again because they can’t see a role for themselves in your life.
Dilys
Various kind people responded.... a selection of the responses here:
“I would like to say that there is no conspiracy! I’m single, working, adventurous, interesting and free but there are few places to meet unless you go to bars. They are mainly full of men and not many women. Where do all the nice single women go?? Where and how singles meet is a mystery to me. Also, some women can be very suspicious of strange men and here I suspect is where the problem lies. Also I know what it feels like to be rejected by someone when I have made a move for one reason or another. Maybe it would help if Arianna was more upfront with men.”
Al
“I am a single man of 38 who is ready to commit. I’ve been let down in the past and find it hard to meet women and go on dates.”
Trevor
“I just wanted to let Arianna know that there are men out there looking for a relationship. I’m divorced with 2 of my 3 children living with me. I find it hard to make friends let alone a relationship. All the so-called places you can go and meet people are not for me. I’m an out-going up-for-fun person, but when it comes to going out on my own it’s just not me. If I saw someone I like, I would not have the bottle to go up to them. Arianna is lucky to have friends around her and a social life. There are men that want the same as her and are not frightened by her independence. She needs to keep on looking. All the others are just not grown up and never will.”
M
“From a male perspective I’ve faced exactly the same difficulties. I’ve tried local singles ads and internet-dating but have been completely messed about. The first time the girl didn’t bother to turn up. One girl told me a whole bunch of lies and the next kept in touch for about a month, and then didn’t bother to write/email any more.
I’ve only had one message to say that a girl had already connected with somebody and apologising for not wanting to meet me. A true lady - I wish that more women were as honest and kind.
Oh, there are lots of men who are only out for a one-night-stand and will say/do whatever it takes to get a girl into bed.
However there are a lot of men like me who are genuine and need to be given a fair chance. We are too often assessed on whether we have a house, flash car, earn lots of money and looks. If girls take time to look a bit deeper they’ll realise we have many hidden qualities such as kindness, honesty, are independent and not just out for one thing.
It can be just as scary for males to lose their independence or feel you need to prove yourself with a girl who is confident, has a good career etc. What is needed is somewhere where singles can meet, go out for meals and really get to know each other.”
Mark
“In this enlightened age of post-feminist society, it’s quite wrong to lay the blame solely on the part of men for “playing the field” and “being disorganised”. To an extent, independence and personal freedom are often at odds with the drivers that sustain healthy long-term relationships. The latter still calls for endearing and enduring individual sacrifices like commitment, responsibility and duty. May I assure Arianna that there’s no conspiracy to “date and dump”. It would require far too much foresight, emotional planning and organisation. But in an age of suspicion between sexes conspiracy theories abound. I believe the answer (or at least part of the answer) is much simpler than that: if you’re wondering why you never hear from your date again, why not pre-empt that predicament by setting out clearly during the date what you’d like to happen after the date…and follow that up with positive actions (like picking up the phone and making that call). Who knows, your date could be waiting for your call at the other end of the line.”
V
“It’s not just women who find it hard to find a man. Some men (including me) find it hard to find a woman. I am very shy and find it hard to talk to women and ask them out.”
Simon
“I’m forced to redress the balance. I’m in the next decade of 40-somethings and have spent many fruitless meetings, dinners, social events in attempts to meet a reasonably intelligent, considerate man only to be disappointed in how quickly they assume the ‘little woman’ is going to forgo everything for them.
I resent the advice you give to every woman who’s worked hard to become not simply financially independent but has done this to gain a feeling of self-worth, which they do not receive from men or society today. May I suggest that men actually stop being prejudiced and control their feelings of insecurity and begin to meet women on an honest and even playing field? To admire and consider themselves honoured to date a successful attractive women, rather than feel ‘intimidated’ as you suggest?
Finally, I’m sure there are men who don’t feel intimidated but simply have their own agenda, or think they have nothing in common with the woman sitting opposite them.”
J
“Many men I know are also in the same boat, but possibly do not admit it, since as we all know, they would feel embarrassed to talk about it. Women have more independence and spending power. The price to be paid is they seem to have less and less time to meet up and be with a man to build and sustain a relationship. I’m not saying this is wrong, only that we all need to try and make time, both men and women. …not simply to meet up with our existing friend at weekends. People do this to feel more comfortable and we can all be too protective of each other.”
Evan
Getting serious
Dear Dilys,
I’m writing to you for professional advice in solving my Heart broken problem. Every time I meet a beautiful girl, which I really like and hope to spend my life with, initially all would be OK with our friendship. But once she realises that the friendship is getting to the seriousness stage, she would turn her back and become distanced from me, without any fault. This leaves me with a broken heart and feeling stupid. I have no problem in chatting up girls and they have always responded. I have tried many ways, but all to no result. I’m beginning to think I’m destined ending up a lonely man. I am mature and intelligent, the only thing missing in my life is a wife or a steady girlfriend to share my life with.
O
Dear O,
I can’t help feeling that there must be clues in how you behave around these girls once you feel you’ve gone past the friendship stage. Could it be that you come across as a bit pushy? A bit too eager? Do you change, perhaps, from being casual and relaxed to rather intense and serious?
That could be one reason why you drive girls away. There are plenty of people who will be happy to be friends and see you on a casual basis, but anyone who views you purely as a friend is likely to be a bit put off if you come on too strong. Perhaps, because you are so desperate to sort out this area of your life, you have a tendency to jump in and declare your love a bit too soon? Before the girls have a chance to work out their own feelings for you? Or before true love and affection have really had a chance to develop. Think about this, for how you come across could be all -important.
If it’s not that, perhaps there’s some mismatch between your perception of the relationship and theirs. Do you begin too quickly to view girls as possible relationship-material? The very fact that you feel you’re searching for a life partner could be you downfall. Perhaps you come across as desperate? And that too could be off-putting for a future partner. So try holding back a bit in future. Don’t give any clues once you find yourself being attracted to a girl. Instead, wait and see if she gives you any signals first. And certainly don’t presume that someone is attracted to you just because you are to her. Give your friendships plenty of time to develop instead.
Unlikely as it may seem, you’re much more likely to find true love when you’re not out looking for it! So concentrate on broadening your social circle, meet as many people as you can, don’t eye them all up as potential girlfriends but concentrate instead on simply enjoying their company. The more girls you meet, the less pressure you’ll feel to find the right one. That should enable you to learn to be more relaxed around them which may well do the trick of encouraging their interest. Then, fingers crossed, it may all come together for you!
Dilys
Getting past the first date
Dear Dilys,
I am 36 and divorced (7 years) with a nine year old son. I’ve had loads of dates and flings but never get passed the second or third date. I never finish with any of the nmen, I never know what I have done, as they just ignore me and I never hear from them again. Now I’ve lost all confidence and feel disheartened by men as they always let me down. I’ve tired dating agencies, blind dates and speed-dating but nothing has worked. My friends don’t want to come out any more as they are all settled down. So I haven’t got much of a social life and am in most nights with my son. I feel very lonely and sometimes panic thinking there’s something wrong with me. I suffer from depression and panic attacks. I know I’m attractive, I have my own house and car and a good job in sales. Please give me some advice where I’m going wrong and where I could meet someone special.
N
Dear N,
You may have missed the correspondence we had back earlier in the year which illustrated just how hard it is for 30-somethings like you to meet new people. It seems that men and women nowadays are a bit suspicious of each other and that this gets in the way of relationships. It also seems that there aren’t enough places for people like you to go out and meet others in a safe, comfortable setting.
I hope it helps to know that you’re not alone in this. You’ve clearly tried everything you can think of to meet people, and are obviously disappointed that no ongoing relationship has materialized.
It’s a shame that this is dragging you down when you seem to have so much going for you. You clearly have skills as a mother and an employee. You must be really good at sales to have achieved so much in life. Try to remind yourself of this when things feel bad.
I don’t think you’re necessarily doing anything ‘wrong’ but I am wondering if there’s a clue in how you’re treated by men. It seems they don’t even give you common courtesy. It’s pretty callous of them simply to drop you after a couple of dates. Is there any way you could be unwittingly encouraging this, do you suppose? Do you perhaps give out signals that you’re ‘not bothered’? Could it be that you’re trying so hard not to appear eager and desperate, that you come across as so casual/relaxed and unconcerned that they believe you won’t mind never hearing from them again?
Or could it be the other way round, that you do come across as desperate and frighten them off? It may sound hard to have to look at yourself and examine how you come across; but it could be where the remedy lies. Have a chat to some of your friends and canvass their views about this. Try not to be upset at anything they may say; treat it instead like a research project. Watch other people to see how they behave. Counselling too could be helpful; it would enable you to work out what’s going wrong, build up your self-confidence and tackle the depression.
Good Luck.
Dilys
Boyfriend's roving eyes
Dear Dilys,
My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 months. We don’t live together. We see each other every weekend. He’s 35 and I’m 32. Every time we go out he looks at other women which bothers me. He says ‘no harm looking but no touch’. He said he loves me. I know he does. He’s had very few girlfriends in his life, maybe 5. Do you think looking at other women is harmless?
C
Dear C,
My main feeling about your partner’s wandering eyes is that it all depends on how he treats you.
If he is a kind, considerate partner who always makes you feel good about yourself by paying you compliments on your appearance and by appreciating you as a person, then perhaps his wandering eyes are simply a form of entertainment and amusement for him…..as he says: looking but not touching.
But if, on the other hand, he’s not particularly appreciative of you, often puts you down and makes you feel as if he’s comparing you – unfavourably - with all these other women then that’s rather different. And it does sound as if he makes a bit of an issue of it, gets you involved in this ‘looking’, rubs your nose in it rather. And if that is the case, I’d suggest his wandering eyes could be the symptoms of someone who is trying to control you by deliberately making you feel insecure.
That’s one of the common tactics of a certain type of man who doesn’t know how to treat women on an equal friendly basis but prefers instead to put them down and belittle them. Men who physically abuse their partners are often like that. They get some perverse kick out of undermining their women and making them feel small and unimportant. As a result, I suppose, they get to feel big and powerful. And it soon becomes their way of controlling their women…because the women usually end up feeling so insecure and uncertain of themselves that they believe they’ll never find another partner. And to avoid being lonely they cling on to the partner they’ve got even while he abuses them.
So watch out if you feel your boyfriend has any tendencies like this.
A good loving man would make it his priority to show you kindness and affection and would be constantly boosting your morale by telling you how much he cares for you and appreciates how you look. Then you’d have no need to feel jealous of his wandering eyes for you’d feel totally secure in your relationship. You wouldn’t have to view every other woman as a potential rival.
If this is not how he makes you feel, then ask yourself why it is he feels he can get away with this behaviour which is so hurtful to you.
And if he can’t see your point of view, then perhaps he’s simply not good enough for you.
Dilys
Fitting in around girlfriend
Dear Dilys,
Is it always the case that one part of a couple has to be the weaker? Whenever I'm with my girlfriend I feel a bit of a doormat for she has her ways of always getting me to do what she wants, even if it's not what I want to do. She sulks and goes grumpy so I give in. This makes her happy but it doesn't do the same for me. Often I find I get resentful at having to do all the fitting in around her. I don't want to break up with her but how can I get her to see reason?
Pete
Dear Pete,
No it's certainly not the case that one half of a couple has to be a doormat. Good relationships are based on equality, negotiation and compromise. It’s important that each half of the couple does what he/she can to fit in around the other's likes and dislikes without abandoning their own. For you to be feeling like a door-mat suggests you haven't learned to value yourself highly enough; you prefer to put other people first and yourself last.
It also sounds as if your girlfriend is a master of manipulation and has become expert at making you feel guilty in order to get her own way. That’s a pretty lethal combination: no wonder you're beginning to resent it.
The key here is to try and see your guilty feelings for what they are – not natural ones that occur because you’ve done something wrong that you really do regret, but ones that are artificially induced by her.
It could be that she grew up in the kind of family where emotional blackmail is used all the time, where people learn to get their own way by making other people feel bad. This could be quite deeply ingrained in her and difficult to shake off.
But you have the power here really, although it clearly doesn’t feel like that to you right now. If you choose not to allow her to make you feel guilty (unless you really have done something that you feel bad about) then her game becomes ineffective. Because if you don’t feel bad then you won’t necessarily have to fall into line with all her plans in order to keep the peace.
So take the bull by the horns now and tell your girlfriend that you're no longer prepared to be walked all over; suggest she does what you want for a change. You need to introduce the art of negotiation and compromise so that she begins to see how healthy relationships work and begins to realise that it’s unrealistic to expect to get her own way the entire time. That is, after all, a very selfish stance. If she can't or won't change then she doesn't deserve you and you'd be better off on your own.
But be aware that there are a number of manipulative females out there and try not to fall for another one next time! Stick out, instead, for someone who's happy to give and take and who loves you enough to want to please you from time to time. That’s what constitutes an equal loving relationship.
Dilys
Clingy girlfriend
Dear Dilys,
My girlfriend and I are both 20 and we’ve been seeing each other for about 9 months. To begin with it was fun and exciting and we spent lots of time together without needing to see anyone else. But recently I’ve been invited out by old friends and I don’t want to lose contact with them so I’m keen to go. She, on the other hand, always says no and says she prefers to spend time alone in with me. I’m beginning to find this really difficult as it’s restricting my social life and it’s frankly boring being in all the time. She’s always been clingy and demanding but this is really beginning to make me think I’d be better off with someone else. What do you think?
Dwayne
Dear Dwayne,
Your girlfriend sounds very insecure at heart. You don’t say whether she’s a shy person and shuns company for that reason. You make it sound more as if she simply likes being with you to the exclusion of all others. Perhaps she’s happiest that way because she fears otherwise she’ll lose you. But it must feel stultifying if you’re never allowed to mix with other people.
From your point of view, it sounds very sensible to keep up with all your old friendships. It’s all too easy to become so wrapped up in a new relationship that we forget about our old friends…and then lose them.
So try to hang on to this desire of yours to continue to spend time with your old friends. Boost your girlfriend’s confidence as much as you can; keep telling her about all her good qualities so that she can feel certain of you and sure that you’re not inclined to stray. But don’t be afraid also, to tell her that you believe every relationship needs the stimulus of fresh input, new people, different things to do, see and talk about. If you two were to stay at home all the time and never see anyone else, you’d very soon run out of things to say to each other. And just as you say, life would be very boring.
Every good relationship requires some compromise on both sides, so if I were you, I’d be telling her that you respect her desire to spend time alone with you and that you’re prepared to make sure there’s always time for that. Tell her also that you respect her choice not to mix with others all the time. But try to get her to see that for your part, you’d be really glad of her company sometimes when you’re out and about with your friendship group. Tell her how she can enhance such occasions for you and make them more pleasurable. And if she doesn’t agree ever to come out with you under these terms, then you’ll have to spell out that nothing’s going to stop you. You’ll have to negotiate some time away from her to mix with your friends and she’ll have to learn to accept – and respect - your choices as well.
Dilys
Demanding girlfriend
Dear Dilys
I have a very demanding girlfriend. She likes to boss me around and is good at making me feel really bad if I don’t see her every night. She mostly likes staying in at hers and watching tv and she wants me with her all the time. I’m losing touch with all my old mates as she doesn’t like me seeing them and she won’t come out with me. In the beginning it was fun. I was excited to have a girlfriend and someone who cared about me. Now I’m feeling trapped.
Karl (17)
Dear Karl,
In the early stages of any relationship it can be fun to concentrate exclusively on each other. You are usually so bound up in each other and there’s so much to discover about each other, that it feels perfectly natural to spend all your time together. The relationship takes over your life and nothing else seems nearly as important.
But most couples move on from that stage and gradually begin to realise that if they only see each other, they’ll pretty soon lose all their other friends. So then it becomes a case of introducing your partner to all your old friends and meeting all of hers. And from then on, instead of always being alone together, you gradually start arranging to do things with other people. You still save time for each other; that’s vitally important, but you don’t feel threatened by other people and don’t begrudge the time spent with them. You begin, instead, to live a fully rounded life sharing your interests, your friends, and your time.
The trouble is that in your case it sounds as if your girlfriend is causing your relationship to stay stuck in the first phase. She’s not allowing you to move beyond that first exclusive stage where you have eyes and thoughts only for each other.
You, on the other hand, are moving at a more normal pace and are clearly ready now to spend time apart, to catch up with old friends, to pursue some of your old hobbies and past-times and are quite prepared to do this alone if she won’t agree to accompany you.
And this is what seems to be causing the friction between you. She sounds pretty clingy –is this to do with a lack of self-confidence? Perhaps she feels threatened by your friends, or just simply shy around people she doesn’t know. Or maybe she’s worried that by sharing you with other people she runs a risk of losing you….?
Whatever her motivation, it’s never a good idea in the long term to cut yourself off from friends. So you really need to negotiate some sort of compromise - or end it all. There’s no way that you two are going to get along with such differing expectations for the relationship.
Do all you can to boost her confidence and encourage her out a bit more. Be sure to stay near her so that you can check she’s OK. But if this plan doesn’t work, try not to get hooked into her neediness. If you do, you could end up losing all your friends. Keeping in touch with them will stand you in really good stead for the future...whereas she may – if she’s not careful - end up isolated and alone.
Dilys
Drama Queen
Dear Dilys,
There’s this woman I’ve become friendly with at work who’s beginning to exhaust me. I liked her at first as I thought we had lots in common but I’m beginning to see through her. She always has lots of dramas in her life and uses this to plead her special case so that she ends up finding excuse after excuse not to do her job properly and all the work lands on my desk. How do I tell her that she’s draining me of all my enthusiasm for the job – and her?
Janine
Dear Janine,
Demanding friends like this can be exhausting, partly because it feels as if we’re always giving to them and partly because they often never seem to improve. They simply move from one drama to the next, learning no lessons along the way. Yet they still expect us to be there every time with a friendly listening ear.
In your case though, it sounds as if you’re doing far more than listening. You’re getting directly involved in the dramas even to the extent of having to do your friend’s work for her…and, I dare say, probably cover up for her as well.
This is asking too much of any friendship. You really need to have a talk to her and set down some guidelines for your continuing relationship. The trouble is that as long as she doesn’t see how her dramas impact on you, she’ll have no reason to realise just how bad things have got. And no reason to change.
So, find a quiet moment where you can pour your heart out. Try not to criticise her behaviour so much as focussing on the effect it has on you. So tell her how having to do all her work for her is beginning to take its toll on you. Tell her that although you’ve been happy to help out in the past it’s now becoming a habit and you no longer have the energy to do so in future. Tell her that although you’re happy to listen – briefly - to the tales of her dramas in future, you won’t help fix things for her. Suggest she needs some professional help to sort out this emotional stuff in future, so she doesn’t always dump on friends. You could even suggest that ideally each new drama should provide some lessons for her to learn from…and that professional help could help her do this. The sad fact is that some people feel they need dramas in their life in order to stay interesting and hook people in to helping them. If she could only learn that true friends are much more likely to stick around and remain good friends when things stay calm, she’d be indebted to you forever.
So stand back from the dramas in future and put limits on how much or how often you’re prepared to listen. People like this often need to be told that it’s not convenient to talk right now, or that you’ve got something else on your mind and can’t keep listening to her. And don’t do her work for her in future. Why should you? Indeed, why did you? That’s worth looking at too.
Dilys
Dumped by gay lover
Dear Dilys,
I'm a gay man of 62 who's been with the same partner for 22 years. He was young and inexperienced when we met and I guided him and showed him everything he knows. We lived openly as a couple and shared all our friends. I've spent my life’s savings on him and our home and on showing him the world - as we traveled together extensively. Now he's walked out on me and I find myself alone and too old now to make a fresh start and meet new people. How can I get him back?
G
Dear G
What a difficult situation. After devoting your life to this man, it’s no wonder you feel so lost, alone and abandoned. The trouble is - as I imagine you probably know deep down - there's most likely nothing you can do or say right now to attract your partner back again. He’s bound to have done a lot of soul-searching before walking out on this life-long relationship and will have had his own good reasons for leaving.
For you at the moment, while the pain is still raw, it’s obviously really hard to accept that it’s over. No wonder you’re spending your time wondering what on earth you can do to regain his love and get him ‘back’. But you could expend an enormous amount of energy on strategies which are all doomed to fail in the long run. You could certainly try asking if there’s anything you could do to change that would woo him back. But presumably if there’d been any easy answers, he would already have raised them with you. He needs time right now to explore his new freedoms, to experience life as a single person, to try out new friendships, relationships and lifestyles, to learn if he’s made the right decision.
The old cliche 'if you love someone/something, let it go' so often proves to be true. You’re far more likely to get him back in the long run if only you can remain calm and accepting right now and allow him the space he needs. Those people who chase after an ex-partner, harry and hassle them and intrude on their new lives usually end up driving an even bigger wedge between them. Whereas those who are able to let go, to recognise that the partner needs time and space away from the relationship to find out if he’s made the right choice, are much more likely to stay friends.
A relationship that’s damaged by bitterness and vindictiveness is never likely to be re-kindled. Whereas one where the couple keep talking and obviously still care about each other’s welfare stands a rather better chance.
So, hard as it may be, try to remain on good terms; be pleasant and friendly when you meet and retain an interest in him and his goings-on. Then, if he ever tires of his new-found freedoms, at least you’ll not have cut all ties and he’ll know the door to your heart and home is still open.
Dilys
Keeping relationships alive
Dear Dilys,
I have a male friend who never calls me. I like his company, we get on and have a good laugh. But it’s got to the stage where I resent having to make the first move. He’s always up for anything I suggest and often pays when we go to the cinema or buys me the occasional meal. But he never ever ever picks up the phone to ring me. Am I silly to get wound up about this? It’s not like he’s using me exactly for it’s purely a platonic relationship. But it feels like an insult. And yet I have a worry that if I take a stand and wait for him to ring me, I’ll never see him again. (I’m in my 50’s and don’t have that good a social life.) On the other hand, why should it always be me who makes the first move?
Audrey
Dear Audrey,
You sound very confused about all of this, as well you might, for you don’t really have any idea where you stand with this man. This is clearly why you’re left wondering if it’s all worthwhile.
However, you’re at great pains to explain what you get out of the relationship. You’d miss his company if you never saw him again. You’d certainly miss all the things you do together if the relationship were to end.
After all, he’s certainly filling a gap for you; it could indeed be said that you’re ‘using’ him rather than the other way around. He provides you with the opportunity to get out and about much more than you would otherwise. So it sounds like a matter of balance and of weighing up your choices.
You do, after all, have plenty of choice in all of this. You can choose to carry on as things are and overcome those ripples of resentment that are building. You can choose to have it all out with him, explaining how his inability to pick up the phone leaves you feeling unloved and insulted……. and hope that he’ll be understanding, sympathetic and try to change. Or you could choose to issue an ultimatum and decide that if won’t make the first move, you won’t either.
Work out how important this man is in your life. Visualise a couple of weeks without him and think how that would feel. Imagine not having anyone to go to the movies with and think how you’d cope. And ask yourself how you’d set about filling the gap that he’d leave. Do you have other friends to call on to go out with? Are you good at making new friends so that you could replace him fairly readily?
If, once you’ve worked through all these feelings, you decide that you don’t want to risk losing him entirely, and if it seems that he’s never likely to change, then you’ll have to balance whether it’s worth burdening yourself with resentment every time you lift the phone to ring him. Or whether it mightn’t be simpler just to accept that this is how things are, how he is, and take what you can from the relationship when it’s on offer.
Dilys
Getting over a break-up
Dear Dilys,
Last year I met my soul-mate whom I have known since we were 17. By the time we met up last year he was a married man. The floodgates opened and we shared the very depths of our hearts with one another. It was heaven and hell all at the same time. But in December he closed the door on me without even communicating his intentions. The bottom line is that he’s trapped, dearly attached to his 3 children and the woman he apparently loves is not the woman who has borne his children. I cannot express the pain I went through. I have cried for months. All of this year, very gradually, I have been trying to put the pieces of my heart and soul back together but I get very down. I live on my own and find myself on a downward spiral as when I get down, I don’t have the motivation to organise things socially etc. I want an intimate, happy relationship but don’t see how I’ll ever get it.
Melissa
Dear Melissa,
You were really badly treated by this man so it’s not surprising that iit’s proving difficult to get over. You’re still grieving for the loss of the relationship and this needs time to run its course. So don’t be hard on yourself if you’re finding it difficult to get motivated again. And try not to hang on to any hope that this chap will change. It is rare for married men to leave their families and it is perfectly possible to love two people at once. He may indeed care far more for his wife than he ever let on to you.
You deserve better than this so you need to make sure that you stick out now for a relationship with a single man who is prepared to devote his full attention to you.
Your confidence has clearly taken a big knock, so try to build it up again slowly. Remind yourself often of your good qualities. Surround yourself with true friends who really value you just as you are and ask for their support in getting over all of this.
Don’t set yourself challenges that feel too great or difficult. Work out which social situations feel most comfortable for you and try to build more of those into your life.
It’s often through good friends that we meet the people we like most, so encourage your existing friends to help make introductions. Try not to focus too hard on looking for Mr. Right, but rather concentrate on widening your circle of friends. The more people you can meet in relaxed circumstances, the more likely you are to feel confident and free simply to be yourself.
People are always attracted to someone who looks like they know how to have a good time. So once you’ve reached the stage where you find you can relax and have fun again, you’ll most probably find that others are instinctively drawn to you.
Good Luck!
Dilys
Guilt over dumping boyfriend
Dear Dilys I dumped my boyfriend 6 weeks ago because I could see the relationship wasn’t going anywhere. We were each other’s first loves but I grew out of him after he left school and I stayed on to study. I’ve just learned that he’s been admitted to a psychiatric unit…some people say he self-harmed others that he tried to take his own life. No one’s actually blaming me but I can see it in their eyes when they look at me. I don’t know what to do now, whether to get back in touch or stay away. What’s the best thing to do?
Geraldine
Dear Geraldine,
This is a really distressing situation for you but try not to blame yourself. Your ex will have had his own reasons for doing what he did and they may not even concern you. It’s always difficult to get inside other peoples’ heads or hearts and know precisely what they’re feeling or what motivates them. And we certainly can’t be responsible for other peoples’ every action.
There were probably lots of things going wrong with this person’s life to make him quite so miserable. The break up of your relationship may have been the final straw, but more than likely it wasn’t the sole cause of his desperation.
So try not to let your friends’ implied criticism get you down. Indeed it might be helpful to challenge them and ask outright if they are holding you responsible in any way for what has happened. You may find that this is just in your imagination, that in fact they feel just as sorry for you as for him. And it would be helpful to have their support, so that you could visit him with other people for company so that you didn’t have to face him alone.
So, if you can, respond to this situation calmly and coolly. Separate out your old feelings from your present ones. Don’t get fooled into thinking you may have made a mistake. Hang on to your reasons for ending the relationship. If it felt like the right thing to do at the time, there’s no reason to wobble or re-think your decision now.
Of course it is possible that his actions were designed to grab your attention. He may have settled on this drastic course as a ruse to get you back. So you need to be wary of being sucked back into the relationship out of pity. That will never work. So don’t make any promises you can’t keep. Don’t try to cheer him up by giving him false hopes for the future. If you do that, you’re only asking for trouble later and this same situation is likely to crop up again next time you decide to walk away.
The best thing surely is to offer him the hand of friendship right now, and hope that he can take it as that. But you’ll have to be very firm that this is all you’re offering so that there can be no misunderstandings between you. That’s only fair and probably the kindest thing to do.
Hooked into a man
Dear Dilys,
I’ve known this man for about 6 years now. We went on a week’s holiday together to a caravan park and had a great time about two years go. Since then he seems to be playing games with me because I wrote and told him that I like him a lot. We are both shy. I think it’s the age difference he finds hard to accept - I’m 42 and he’s 27. I try and dress the way he likes and had my hair high-lighted blonde but he just seems to ignore me now. I only see him once a week if that. He’s kind and caring on his own but when he’s with his mates he changes. I never get invited out with him and I never go out myself. I’m wondering about moving to be with my Mum in Dorset. I’ve even thought about ending my life. I need as much help as I can get.
K
Dear K,
It sounds as if this man has you exactly where he wants you. If he’s only nice to you when you’re alone, and never takes you out – he’s certainly playing games with you. Games that are loaded in his favour and games that only he can win.
It sounds like a totally one-sided relationship where you do everything you can to fit in with what he likes while he does nothing back for you. The fact that he’s ignored you since you wrote to him suggests you’ve frightened him off. Being shy isn’t really an excuse for not responding in any way. It must be heart-breaking to have tried so hard to please him, only to find him ignoring you.
He doesn’t seem to count you as a permanent feature of his life; doesn’t appear to care for you as you do for him. If he did, you’d spend more time together, go out and about, meet his friends, talk about your future. By being together more of the time, you’d know more about his hopes and dreams and you’d have a better idea of where you stand. By keeping you at arms’ length, as he is, he’s effectively blocking any communication and keeping all talk of the future at bay.
It sounds like you’ve had to live with a great deal of uncertainty about this relationship and that is always an unsettling way to be. It’s sad that it has led you to think about ending your life. Try to focus instead on ending the relationship. Dorset could provide a good escape but running away isn’t always the best answer. Wherever you end up, try to work on building up your self-confidence so that you learn to value yourself a bit more. You could do this with the help of books or sign up to a course. Once you feel better about yourself and more confident, you’ll find you become more choosy about a partner. You’ll be prepared to stick out for someone who cares for you as you are, doesn’t ask you to change, and enjoys being with you. You deserve that much.
Dilys
Internet relationship
Dear Dilys,
I'm 35 and single and have met a wonderful man on the internet. He sounds sensible and caring and has a nice sensitive nature. But he lives in Italy and I'm here and we've never met. He wants me to go over this summer to meet him and his family and I'm keen to go. I don't have that many friends here and never seem to meet suitable men, so this could be the opportunity I need of a lucky break. However, everyone I know is advising me against pursuing this relationship...basically because it started on the internet. What do you think?
Alice
Dear Alice,
Internet relationships can be fraught with danger. There’s been so much publicity about people managing to deceive each other over the web that it’s not surprising your friends are advising you against pursuing this relationship. I guess they’re worried that it’s a long way to go to be disappointed, or deceived even.
But it surely all depends on how you view this proposed trip to Italy. If you don’t pin too many hopes on it but treat it purely as a fact-finding mission, you’ll be able to meet this man in person and find out whether you are indeed truly suited.
If, on the other hand, you don’t make the trip you may always regret that you didn’t follow up this possible opportunity.
The success of a trip like this probably depends largely on how able you are to cope if things go wrong. What if you get off the plane and realise within 10 minutes that you’ve made a mistake? Would be able to handle that or would it ruin the whole trip for you? Try and envisage some worst-case scenarios like this and work out how you’ll feel about them. If you’re strong enough to cope with disappointment and still have a good time, then there’s probably no reason not to go.
If, on the other hand, you can see yourself feeling lost, alone and homesick if you don’t immediately hit it off with the Italian, then think twice about making the journey. You’ll know pretty quickly whether you’re made for each other and if not, you may have to face some awkward moments. So don’t even entertain the idea unless you feel strong enough to cope if it all goes pear-shaped.
Try not to invest too much hope or too many dreams in the meeting. Treat it as you would a blind date here. Go along for the ride and keep an open mind about what may be in store. And guard against being swept away by the difference of being in sunny Italy. Try to keep picturing yourself with this man even in our colder drearier climes back here.
Above all, keep yourself safe. Stay in a reputable hotel or guest-house and make sure your friends and family here know where you’ll be staying. Don’t go off on your own with the man until you know more about him and if you do, let others know where you’re going and when to expect you back. Leave telephone numbers and contact details with friends everywhere and always carry a mobile phone.
Dilys
Jealous of daughter-in-law
Dear Dilys,
I’m 62 and had a very hard childhood as I was put in a home through no fault of my own. I had two children of my own and always gave them everything I was deprived of: love, care and attention. I lost a beautiful daughter at the tender age of 17 – eleven years ago - which I still cry my eyes out over. My only son got married four months ago. I like my daughter-in-law as she’s nice and bubbly and very straight-forward, but I think she’s trying to drift my only child away from me. Before my son married this girl, he used to be all mine as I’m separated from my husband. At the wedding, they insisted on inviting my ex-husband who’d cheated on me …and then made more fuss of her parents than of me.
Anon
Dear Anon,
All the tragedies you suffered obviously brought you and your son very close together. You clearly came to depend on him a lot over the years for support and comfort as well as companionship and friendship. No wonder it feels hard to let go of this and observe another woman coming first in his affections.
It sounds encouraging though that you really like this girl. Of course, she’s bound to want to have her new husband to herself as much as possible, but I doubt that she’s actually trying to come between you. Relationships between mothers and daughter-in-laws are often tricky but yours seems to stand a better chance than most. The fact that you like her and enjoy her company is such a good start.
You probably need to work really hard at trying to overcome your own natural jealousy. Accept that she will now come first in his attentions and you will, inevitably, come second. But if you can accept that and make the most of the situation, you’re much more likely to establish - and maintain - a good relationship with both her and your son.
Indeed the only way you’re going to stay friends with your son, is by being friends with his wife too. So try to turn a blind eye to any supposed slights and look for the positives in this situation.
You have a son that you love and a daughter-in-law you like. That in itself is fairly rare. If you can only build on that and let your affection for your daughter-in-law grow, your son will notice and feel far more inclined to stay close to you. If, on the other hand, you’re always finding reasons to dislike her or complain about her, he’ll notice that too and it will undoubtedly come between you.
Also, try to build yourself a life that doesn’t revolve around your son and his wife. Find plenty of other ways of having fun and enjoying yourself. That will make you into an interesting person who’s fun to be with…and they’ll probably choose to see more of you then, rather than doing so out of a sense of duty.
Dilys
Lying for friend
Dear Dilys,
My best friend keeps asking me to cover up for him. He’s always been one for the women and often used me this way in the past but I hoped he’d calm down once married. But now I’ve got to know his wife and think of her as a good friend, I can’t bear to see him treating her like this. I’m tempted to tell her – for I’m attracted to her myself and would like to offer her a better life and escape from his womanising.
B
Dear B,
It must be very difficult having divided loyalties like this. It sounds as if you were prepared to go along with your friend’s deceit while he was single. But now that he’s married and you know and like his wife, you’re no longer comfortable helping him out.
The trouble is the whole situation seems a bit clouded by your feelings. And I think it would be a really good idea to examine them closely before you take any kind of action…so that you can be sure that whatever you do is prompted by the best of motives rather than being purely from self-interest.
There’s certainly no reason you should have to cover up for your friend just because you’ve always done so. If you feel things have changed since his marriage and are no longer prepared to collude with him, then it would be perfectly reasonable to say so. You could explain to him how you find yourself in a difficult position, that you like his wife and don’t want to be party to deceiving her in any way. That you would find yourself uncomfortable in her company knowing that you’d helped him cover up all his cheating.
So that situation is very straight forward. But if, on the other hand, you find yourself wanting to drop your friend in it largely because you’ve developed feelings for his wife, then that’s another matter entirely.
It complicates the issue, doesn’t it, so that it’s not simply a matter of you doing what you feel is the right and honorable thing. Everything becomes clouded by your desire to get close to your friend’s wife, maybe even to stand a chance with her.
Your motives in dumping on your friend would then be very questionable. So the best course of action right now is likely to be the first one. Simply tell your friend that you like and respect his wife and won’t be involved in future in any kind of deception of her. Then watch and wait whilst you monitor their marriage and if he continues to cheat and play away, I guess eventually she’ll find out anyway. And if you’ve always been there for her as a good and loyal friend, she may well turn to you for support and friendship anyway. You’d certainly feel better about things developing naturally and gradually like that than if you’d jumped in and caused the upset yourself. But be careful and guard against getting hurt. Just because you have feelings for her doesn’t mean she returns them and it would probably be a good idea to try and sort out a love-life of your own rather than pin all your hopes on her.
Dilys
Old-fashioned values
Dear Dilys
I’m an old-fashioned man with old-fashioned values. I’ve been on my own since my wife died 3 years ago and have just begun a social life again. I’ve joined social clubs and a theatre group and go out quite often. The problem I’m encountering is that the women I meet all seem very liberated. They don’t seem to expect the courtesies I take for granted. I’ve even had one date offer to go ‘dutch’. Am I behind the times in finding this odd? In my day, if a man asked a woman out, he would certainly expect to pick up the bill. Please tell me if this is now the norm. And if so, how on earth to handle it, for how am I to know what a woman expects?
Fred
Dear Fred,
It must be difficult not knowing if your idea of ‘old-fashioned courtesy’ is what today’s women want from you. It’s really hard to re-enter the dating scene at any stage in life – so congratulations for facing up to it. In your case it seems to feel as if the world has moved on around you while you were happily married. Women seem to have changed in their ways and you’re finding this confusing as well as a surprise.
I’m sure there are dozens of women out there who still value the ‘old-fashioned’ way of doing things, would like to have doors opened for them and chairs pulled out, but equally there are probably just as many others who find these things a bit dated and unnecessary. Your difficulty lies in how to work out which ones are which!
The trouble is you can’t be sure until you get to know them, so there are no easy answers. As you’ve already discovered each woman is likely to be very different and have different but strong views.
The most important thing, surely, is that you should remain true to yourself. So I’d just carry on as you are doing and concentrate on being yourself. Offer all the courtesies you normally would right from first meeting so that you let your dates see the real you. That’s the only way that they are going to be able to get to know you properly and for true friendship to develop.
But be prepared for the unexpected. It could be said that it’s having an open mind that keeps us young, so you don’t want to be scaring off your dates by laying down the law too rigidly. If the unexpected crops up - say someone offers to go Dutch or even pay the whole bill - have a chat about it, get the subject out in the open, let them know your feelings and how strange you find it all.
You’ll be being true to yourself; it’ll probably break the ice and prove an invaluable topic of conversation - and by doing so you’ll certainly find out which of your dates are on your wavelength!
Good Luck.
Dilys
Opening up to people
Dear Dilys,
I’m aware of the fact that I find it hard to let people in. So although I’ve had a number of women friends, I’ve never really had a true long-term girlfriend. It seems that the minute they get keen I back off. I’ve a good male married friend who’s highlighted this all for me recently. He thinks it’s to do with my upbringing. My father was very cold and my mother died young. My friend’s wife’s a counsellor and it seems she’s ‘diagnosed’ me and is volunteering to see me professionally. Is this a good idea?
Tim (35)
Dear Tim,
Probably not. It’s always advisable to go to somebody completely independent for counselling…so that the counsellor doesn’t know you and can’t bring his or her own preconceptions to the sessions.
The whole point of counselling is to delve into both your past and your innermost feelings. And if you’ve always found it hard to ‘let people in’ this is probably going to be a really difficult process for you. But an intensely valuable one.
Part of the point of going to a complete stranger is that the relationship will be utterly fresh for both of you. So you start on equal terms. A good counsellor will work slowly and carefully to build up trust between the two of you so that you gradually feel able to disclose things you’ve probably kept to yourself for years. You’ll need to feel relaxed with this person and not judged in any way. And it’s often easier to delve into our pasts and examine our deepest thoughts and feelings with somebody we’ve never met before. It makes the relationship special, somehow, and often enables people to be more open than they ever are with friends or family. That’s why it works so well.
You’ll need to be completely open, honest and frank …all of which sounds like a new concept for you. You may go through a whole range of emotions that feel new to you. You may feel raw and vulnerable at times; angry at others. You may find yourself needing to cry. And you may not find any of this easy or at all possible with your best friend’s wife. I’m sure she’ll abide by all the ethical guidelines and wouldn’t dream of revealing any details of your conversation to her husband. But that’s not to say you won’t constantly be wondering how much of what you say may get back to him. And that may make you more guarded than you would be with somebody new.
And as well as all of that, having counselling with your friend’s wife would undoubtedly alter your relationship with her. You might feel less inclined to see her socially ever after. And that would therefore have ramifications for your relationships with her husband too.
So I’d try and keep your friendships completely separate and go to an outside counselling agency. You’ll probably feel safer and more comfortable during what is bound to be a novel and revealing process for you. Good Luck.
Dilys
My problem is my wife!
Dear Dilys,
My problem is my wife. I’ve tried talking to her in a polite manner as to why you have changed in a big way? But she lies to me and says she hasn’t. There isn’t much love, honesty and respect left sadly, and soon it looks very much that we will separate and divorce. I married her in Pakistan in 99 and she came her in 2000. The trouble started as soon as she got her indefinite leave to stay. I’ve heard that many Asian girls from Pakistan and India deliberately get married just to get indefinite leave and then cause problems in order to get a divorce….. so they can take advantage from the husband’s finances and property. She is soon going to Pakistan alone to visit her family and may not come back. How can I secure my money and property from my wife if we divorce?
Mr. B
Dear Mr. B
It must be difficult living so closely with someone and yet feeling so far apart and insecure. You clearly don’t believe there is much left in this marriage worth fighting for, or I feel your concern would be more for the loss of the love and relationship. As it is, you almost sound resigned to the fact that the marriage is over.
It would surely be a good idea to ask your wife about her intentions before she goes away…. otherwise you'll be left dangling. There could be nothing worse than having to sit through all her time in Pakistan not knowing whether to expect her back. At the moment it sounds as if your wife holds all the power: you literally don’t know what to expect from one moment to the next. But – from both an emotional and a legal aspect - you have a right to know where you stand and a right to play a part in the decision-making about your future.
So try and take some of the control back from your wife. Insist on talking about it before she goes away. Tell her how worried you are and how much you dislike this uncertainty. Tell her about your own doubts about the relationship and see how she responds to that.
Ask her outright, but kindly, what her plans are for the future, when you can expect to see her back, and if she wants a divorce. You’ll most probably be able to judge from her reaction whether this is really what she’s planning. If it is, I imagine she will appear somewhat embarrassed and flustered to be asked straight out. If she appears all innocent and denies it, then perhaps you can try and talk to her about whether there’s any point in carrying on with a relationship that seems to bring neither of you any happiness.
I am no expert in legal matters, so I’m afraid I can’t help you with advice about your money and property. So try the Citizens Advice Bureau. If they can’t answer all your questions, they'll certainly be able to put you in touch with a local solicitor who specialises in family legal matters. Get that advice before she leaves the country. Then you’ll at least understand your own rights and legal position and you’ll be able to explain it all to her too.
Dilys
My married lover wants to leave his wife at last...and I'm not sure about it!
Dear Dilys,
I've been in a relationship with a married man for the last four years since my divorce. My two teenage children know and care for this man. But he’s married with one son - a teenager also. Luckily we live and move in different circles so we've never had to worry about being 'found out'. But recently he’s announced he wants to leave his wife. To my surprise, I found myself questioning this.....! I’m suddenly not at all sure if it’s what I want. Frankly I’m worried about the effect on his son…. and couldn’t bear to cause a rift. Now he doesn’t believe I love him.
Jena
Dear Jena,
It sounds as if your own feelings/actions have surprised you. It’s strange how a new perspective on a relationship can cause a shift.
It seems that you were perfectly happy with the status quo. It obviously worked for you and your children and although you were aware of this man’s wife and child they didn’t actually impact on your life very much. Everything seems to have felt manageable as long as you didn’t have to contemplate being the cause of a marriage break-up. You were better able to live with the idea of being a ‘mistress’ than with the thought of having your lover’s whole life and marriage collapse around him.
The fact that his feelings may have changed, to such an extent that he’s now thinking of leaving his wife and son, doesn’t inevitably mean that you feel ready to accept him into your life as a permanent fixture.
There are two of you in this relationship and both sets of feelings need to be taken into account - as well, of course, those of his family. It sounds as if you’re the kind of person who can easily put herself in others’ shoes. You’ve realised that you would most likely be left feeling guilty forever after if this man left his wife and son for you. And you don’t feel the pair of you could live ‘happily ever after’ knowing how devastated his family would be. For you, it seems like a price too dear to pay.
At the moment, it sounds as if you are the only one trying to see the picture in the round, seeing everyone’s point of view not just your own. Your lover sounds as if he’s reached the point where he is mostly considering himself. He may have decided that he wants to make the break once and for all and make a fresh start with you. But you have to agree for it to stand any chance of working out.
None of this means, of course, that your feelings towards your lover have necessarily changed. You may still love him just as much. But I think you need to take a few deep breaths. Don’t rush into or out of anything. Your and your lover’s hopes and dreams for the future sound as if they are out of sync at the moment and you probably both need to take stock to work out just what you each want out of the relationship from now on.
Dilys
Trouble at work
Dear Dilys,
I work in a small office with a group of girls who like a laugh. We’ve just been joined by a new girl, who seems to have a huge chip on her shoulder. We think she must be very unhappy….. which is why she’s so angry. She uses foul language and throws her weight about. She’s upset all of us in turn. She’s jealous of our boyfriends and life-styles yet constantly wants to join in whenever we go out. We’d much rather exclude her and have a bit of an escape from her sometimes, but we can’t do this without risking a big tantrum. Or can we?
Zeena
Dear Zeena,
It’s easy to feel sorry for angry people, knowing they must be deeply unhappy. But it’s equally hard to forgive them for making life a misery. It sounds like this girl has totally disrupted your previously calm and happy atmosphere at work. She hasn’t shown any sensitivity to the rest of you or the way you used to operate before her arrival.
Her language and tantrums suggest that she’s a bit of a bully who likes to get her own way. And as we all know by now, most bullies are deeply insecure at heart. But this doesn’t excuse her behaviour. She’s got to learn that throwing her weight about doesn’t fit in with your ways of doing things. It’s not right that one person can have such a disruptive effect and basically spoil what was a happy working environment.
You’re obviously a sensitive bunch of girls who can put yourself in other peoples’ shoes and attempt to see things from their point of view. She’ s lucky to have found you. And I guess that in time, once she finds her feet and settles in, she may well begin to confide some of her problems in you and you may all be able to help her gain in confidence and overcome some of her bullying tendencies.
In the meantime, I believe that it’s important that you’re straight with her. There’s often a tendency to tiptoe around people like this. But the danger in that is that they never get to find out how much they’re upsetting the rest of you. So stand up to her as much as you can just to show that you’re not prepared to be walked all over. Set some boundaries and be firm. Make sure you let her know when she goes too far.
I suggest you include her in some of your outings, but not all. Treat them as a negotiating tool – show her she’ll be welcome once she lightens up. Help her see that you’re all kind, reasonable people who like to give others the benefit of the doubt. But that you won’t stand any nonsense. Better to be upfront with her now than to allow your resentment to build and build – as it surely will if you don’t take some kind of action. Unspoken resentement festers and leads to a very unhappy atmosphere. It’s in all of your interests to sort this out so that your daily existence doesn’t become a nightmare.
Dilys
Trusting again after a break-up
Dear Dilys
I’m a single man in my late 30’s. I don’t feel very confident around women since my fiancé broke off our engagement 3 years ago. She was my first true girlfriend and I really thought it was the real thing. I thought we were happy and it gave me a big jolt when she dumped me. We’d been due to go on holiday together when she just didn’t turn up at the airport. Up until then I’d been happy-go-lucky and pretty sure of myself. Now I find I’m cautious around women and often tongue-tied. I’m getting pressure from family now to get another girlfriend but I don’t want to get hurt again. If I couldn’t see the end coming that time, how can I ever be sure that anyone else’s love will be true? And how can I really trust anyone ever again?
Jon
Dear Jon,
You’ve been through a really tough time. The shock you experienced of being dumped at the airport with no prior warning - and no message even - would knock the stuffing out of most of us.
So try to be a bit patient and kind towards yourself over all this. You’ve suffered a great loss as well as a big shock to the system and different people take different amounts of time to recover from such experiences. So don’t let friends and family pressurise you into entering into any new relationship until you feel really ready.
First of all you’ll need to let go of all feelings you had for your fiancé and be able to face up to the fact that she’s really gone and won’t be coming back. It sounds as if you may be well on the way towards this stage.
Then you’ll need to find ways of learning to trust women again.
Start gradually and slowly. The idea of dating can seem really scary after a relationship ends so cut yourself some slack and don’t put pressure on yourself to do this too soon.
Instead try to forge some new friendships with women and girls. Seek out people you like but view them as friends, not potential girlfriends; avoid formal dates but arrange instead to meet up for coffee or drinks; meet them in groups if that feels safest; don’t aim too high too soon. Try to be satisfied with getting to know them on a casual friendly basis without even thinking about asking any of them out.
If you work at these friendships and develop them, you should begin to learn to trust the opposite sex again. And once that trust has come back, you’ll find it much less scary being around women and will be more easily able to relax. Use the experience to pick up hints about what makes women ‘tick’- learn to read them - and this may help you avoid being taken by surprise ever again.
Having ‘any old’ girlfriend isn’t everything and your family should be able to see that. Holding out for the right one is much more important and with time and patience you’ll find the one for you.
Dilys
Uninvited guest
Dear Dilys,
My partner has a friend Graham who seems to think he can just drop round whenever it suits him. He never phones beforehand to ask if it’s convenient. Sometimes I’ll be in the middle of cooking a meal and then it’s awkward for I never know whether to ask him to stay – which I often don’t want him to – or hint that I’d like him to go – or delay the meal…..etc. etc. My partner says I’m making a fuss about nothing and that his friend is lonely and needs the company. I think he could be a bit more considerate of other people though. I’m not very good at being assertive, otherwise I think I’d have found a way of getting rid of him firmly but politely by now!
Grace
Dear Grace,
This sounds really disruptive to your routine! No wonder you mind about it so much. You clearly recognize your own limitations and have worked out why you’ve not felt able to deal with the situation before now.
Many another person would, I feel, have got shot of this chap long ago by laying down some ground rules such as: You know we’re always happy to see you Graham, but could you make sure to phone next time just to check that it’s convenient? Or: Graham, I’m about to dish up supper and because I didn’t know you were coming, I’m afraid there’s not enough to go round. So I’m going to have to kick you out I’m afraid. Or, on opening the front door: OH Graham, I’m sorry it just isn’t convenient right now. Another time?
All polite but assertive ways of making sure you regain some control of your life. If you really believe you’re not capable of such statements, then I suggest you have this out with your partner. If he still wants his friend to feel free to drop round, then it surely has to be up to him to do the entertaining.
There’s no reason why you have to put your life on hold while this man lands in your home and no reason why you have fit in around his whims and time-frame.
It would obviously feel easier for you if you could let go of any responsibility around his visits…. so that you didn’t feel obliged to entertain him, or feed him or even welcome him with open arms even when you’re dying for some time and space to yourself.
So pass this responsibility over to your partner. Graham is his friend, after all. Then you’ll be free to get on with your own life during the visits. You could cook for one with a clear conscience, dish your own meal up and take it into another room, isolate yourself in your bedroom if you felt like it, nab the place in front of the tv, or basically get on with whatever you would rather be doing…… while leaving the pair of them to keep each other company.
But encourage your partner to set some boundaries too. Otherwise you may find that you and he see less and less of each other while Graham invades all your space, privacy and freetime.
Dilys
Wanderlust and partner
Dear Dilys,
My husband and I have been married for 32 years during which time we’ve always planned to go travelling together once retired. We were all lined up at one stage to do VSO in Africa, something I’d long dreamt of. But suddenly my husband took cold feet and pulled out of that. Now’s he’s decided he doesn’t want to join me on our round-the-world back-packing-trip that we organized as a substitute. Do I go ahead without him, or should I give up my dreams and stay home with him.
Deirdre
Dear Deirdre,
What a dilemma for you. As I’m sure you realise, this is something that only you can answer. I guess the best advice is to run this past everyone you know. While you’re listening to their advice, pay attention to the feelings that crop up for you.
See how you react when people advise you to go alone. Does the idea seem exciting, and thrilling? Do you get the feeling you’d enjoy the freedom that it would bring? Could you be whole-heartedly happy tackling this alone? Or do you find yourself getting agitated and anxious at the thought of striking out on your own and leaving your husband behind? Are there some fears and worries that crop up which wouldn’t if you were together?
And what happens when you talk about your husband ….do you find yourself angry with him for letting you down? Is there any guilt about leaving him alone? Ask yourself how you’ll feel if you don’t go; what kind of regrets will you be left with? And ask the same question about going; will there be regrets attached to that too?
Imagine yourself setting off without him; how does that feel? Or imagine yourself staying behind, passing the months here instead of abroad, and how will that feel in the long run? A counsellor could help you with all of this, but it’s probably possible to work it out on your own. You could start by asking yourself about your gut reactions to the various ideas I’ve brought up here. The initial feelings that crop up as you read my thoughts, are likely to be your most authentic ones.
The important thing is to try to run through the gamut of all the feelings you’re likely to feel in each circumstance. That will then enable you to balance some against the other and work out what which you can most happily live with.
And by the way, when I say run this past all your friends and relations, that doesn’t mean I’m advocating following their advice. Listen to your husband, by all means, because his point of view probably counts for a good deal with you. Use other people as a sounding board but try not to let them influence you. This is a difficult enough decision to have to make without fiting in with everyone else’s views and opinions.
And above all, don’t forget that nothing need be set in stone. It’s OK to change your mind. So trying out one or other option might not be a bad idea to help you judge precisely how you feel.
Dilys
Internet porn - who's been accessing it?
Dear Dilys,
I’ve been checking on our home computer and found that someone’s been accessing internet porn. My dilemma is that I don’t know if it’s my partner or my son. My son’s only 14 so I’d worry if I thought it was him. On the other hand I desperately don’t want it to be my partner because that would indicate he was dissatisfied with our sex life. And I don’t want to lose him. He’s the only man in a long while who’s made me feel good about myself. So how do I tackle this? If I confront the wrong one I could embarrass myself and them.
Maureen
Dear Maureen,
This is a dilemma for you. I can see how you’re anxious not to stir up a hornet’s nest by raising this subject. But as long as you don’t, it seems that it has the power to unsettle you.
Perhaps to begin with, you could monitor the use of the computer and match this up with the visits to porn sites. That would enable you to work out which one of your family members had been accessing these sites and that would help you avoid falsely accusing one of them.
But be aware also that men and women often view pornography quite differently. So that even if you find your partner’s been visiting these sites, it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s feeling disloyal towards you in any way or has been at all dissatisfied. It may just be something he’s always done. And, indeed, it may be his way of turning himself on so that he can enjoy sex with you more. Some couples share an enjoyment of pornography and find that it can help spice up their sex lives. But this doesn’t mean you have to. If porn doesn’t appeal to you, it’s perfectly OK to say so.
And if it turns out to be your son who’s been accessing the porn sites, try not to treat this as too great a crisis! Be gentle with him if you feel you have to raise the issue at all. All boys go through a curious phase and finding out about sex on the internet can feel much safer (and private) than asking embarrassing questions. Your son may not have ready access to advice on this subject, particularly if he doesn’t see his father. There’s always a lot to find out and many young people don’t know where to turn for help. There’s also a natural interest in finding out about different bodies, different positions etc. and viewing porn is probably one of the easiest ways to study this.
As long as you’re bringing your son up to respect women and not view, or treat them, as sex objects, he should grow up with a normal healthy attitude towards women and sex. Try to help him see that sex is best in good loving relationships and that things like loyalty and honesty matter between people who love each other. And be prepared too to answer whatever questions he has around the subject of sex. If you find you can’t bring yourself to talk openly about sex with him, direct him towards some of the helpful internet sites designed to inform teenagers on such matters such as www.likeitis.org.uk.