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© 2006 Dilys Morgan
Made by Text Matters

So many issues seem to come back to our levels of confidence and self-esteem.   Anyone who doesn't feel good about themselves is going to be at a disadvantage in everyday life.  Having low confidence leaves us open to being taken advantage of, walked all over, bullied or abused.  It means we don't value ourselves so why should others value us?  Another big area of concern to many.

I don't have the confidence for life

Dear G,

As you say, this is no life - particularly for a 20 year old. It sounds as if you're trapped in a vicious circle. Your lack of confidence makes you feel bad about yourself and keeps you at home doing nothing which, presumably, feels safer than going out into the world to face all your fears. Yet the very fact that you're confined to home, seeing no one, doing nothing seems only to reinforce your lack of self-esteem and confidence and in turn makes you feel even worse.

The fact that you spend most of the time in your room in the dark suggests you must pretty well have reached rock-bottom. Not to want to let the daylight in, even, gives a pretty vivid picture of how bad you feel and how you're withdrawing from the world, and life. That must be depressing in itself.

You're right to guess that I'm going to suggest you ?speak? to someone. Opening up about what?s going on inside is surely the only way you'll get better. You need someone who listens, understands and doesn't make things worse by judging or criticising you. You need to get things off your chest; and you need someone who'll help build up your confidence so that you gradually feel strong enough to tackle the things that feel out of reach right now.

But I can imagine that going to see a counsellor would feel like a step too far. However, you?ve sent me an email address, so I wonder if you?ve heard of online counselling? Online counselling is private and anonymous; you never need to meet your counsellor but you could still get help.

Some people find it so much easier to express themselves in writing. Others lose their inhibitions about divulging their inner thoughts/fears/demons when they don't have someone sitting opposite them. It seems to free them up to get things off their chest. And lots of people find that the simple act of writing things down is therapeutic.

So try and find some local youth organisations which can offer you free online counselling. You could try searching on the internet for free online counselling; try your local Youth Enquiry Service; or try .

Dilys

Quiet guy with no social skills

Dear Amin,

It sounds as if the counselling has at least put you in touch with your feelings. You clearly know yourself well enough to realise that you don?t like things as they are. Fitting in around others all the time, and falling over backwards to help them isn?t working for you. It sounds like a strategy you adopted at a very young age and have always found hard to shake off. But once you can see how much it interferes with your life, and affects your mood, you can at least take steps to change this habit.

It must be hard propping up other people, only to have them reject you and move on once they get back in control of their own lives. Could it be that you?ve put so much energy into helping them, that you?ve lost sight of your own needs? And, possibly, don?t have any energy left in order to look after yourself?

Fitting in around others and putting other people first all the time can be very draining. It?s often thankless work trying to make other people happy. But it also means we lose sight of our own needs because we?re always listening out for those of others instead. No wonder you feel you don?t know yourself any more. You?ve obviously become expert at being a good friend to the detriment of yourself.

The trouble is, that while you?re so busy bending over backwards to help others, you?re probably giving out an impression of being very self-sufficient, so that other people don?t realise you too have needs and you too need propping up from time to time.

So try and learn to let others know that you too have needs, that you too can be low, that you too can feel vulnerable and in need of help from time to time. How? Well you could start by being honest with people?so that if someone asks for your help when it?s not convenient, you turn them down politely but firmly. That way, you won?t feel so walked over all the time.

The other trick is to monitor your feelings carefully. Watch out for those moments when you feel tempted to plunge in to help others out?and stop and question whether this really feels right for you. Monitoring all the feelings rumbling away inside is also the best way to help you make choices or form opinions. Let your gut instinct be your guide, and you can?t go far wrong.

Dilys

 I'm a coward

Dear Timid,

It sounds as if you?re pretty well aware of what needs to change in your life. You?ve clearly found that fitting in with others and perpetually going along with what they want isn?t working out for you.

The fact that you find yourself fitting in all the time doesn?t make you a coward. It suggests you?ve been brought up to please other people and that this habit is so ingrained in you that you end up quite fearful of letting others down. Perhaps you fear that you?ll lose their friendship or their love if you don?t always do precisely what they want.

But this habit clearly doesn?t work in your favour. It?s leaving you feeling that all is not well, that something?s wrong. That?s the good news - now that you know what?s wrong you can take steps to change the situation.

At the moment it seems that fitting in with others always feels the easiest course of action at the time. That would explain why you describe yourself as not having the ?bottle? to do anything different. Yet adopting this course of least resistance is clearly not making you feel good about yourself. So although speaking up in your own favour might feel the harder course, it could well bring the best results in the long term.

So I?d have a long hard look at the risk of saying ?no? from time to time?try and work out what it is you?re afraid of. Once we?ve acknowledged and recognised a fear, it can seem easier to tackle. Next try and confront those fears by trying out ?No? on occasion. You may find that the outcome is far better than you could dream of?. looking after your own interests from time to time may feel far better than perpetually going along with what others require of you.

It?s a matter of going with your gut instinct and when something really doesn?t feel right hanging on to that feeling and just declining politely but assertively.

Saying ?no? may seem really difficult but it will become easier with practice. And you?ll soon learn that you don?t even have to offer an excuse. You?ll find other people are perfectly prepared to accept a simple: ?I?m sorry, I can?t? or ?I?d rather not, if you don?t mind? or if that proves far too difficult, that oft-heard phrase: ?I?ve got something on?. They may be surprised at first to hear you utter such phrases but they?ll no doubt soon come to see that you have a life of your own to live and aren?t always available to them.

The more you do this, the more other people will learn to respect you. As a result your confidence will grow and you?ll soon begin to feel better about yourself.

Dilys

Agorophobic - panic stricken at the thought of having to go out to work

Dear Kathleen,

It must be really difficult for you being pressured by the DSS to find work.

If you?ve had to overcome agoraphobia that is a huge thing in itself, and I?m sure will have taken an enormous amount of strength, guts and courage. I imagine it feels really important to you to be able to progress at your own speed and not to have to undertake anything that feels beyond you.

I imagine you?ve shared these fears with the DSS and that you?ve been to your doctor about all of this. But it sounds as if they may not be listening very carefully to you. Perhaps you need to go back to them and remind them of your present situation. Perhaps the doctor could organise some counselling in order to help get you into a better frame of mind for tackling work.

You describe how frightened you feel of taking on something full-time and how worried you are that you might not cope. And clearly the menopause is also getting you down. So it seems to me that it?s vital that you only take on something you?re truly comfortable with.

The trouble is that you don?t seem to know what that might be and you have a concern about finding the kind of work that pays enough to make it all worthwhile.

Have you been to a Job Centre yet and talked it all over with them? There is a scheme which would seem to suit you called Employment on Trial. It enables people returning to work to try things out. This kind of flexible arrangement would most probably suit you as you explore just how much work you could manage.

Working from home sounds like a really good way out of your dilemma. It would probably feel far easier for you than having to go out to some strange office and mix with new people on top of trying to tackle a new job. It would also enable you to pace yourself and take on only as much as you feel you can cope with.

The Women Returners? Network might be able to help you. Try phoning them on 01245 263796 or look at the website ? www.women-returners.co.uk and download their Workbook which is a really useful document. It gives ideas for building self-confidence, for working out what your skills are, tips on writing CV?s and going for interviews. It basically encourages you to discover and exploit your existing skills and then market them. I imagine that for you, building a career around skills you already have is going to feel much more comfortable than tackling something completely new and strange.

Dilys

 Mum doesn't think enough of herself

Dear D and J,

Your Mum clearly believes other people can ?make her happy?; she hasn?t learned that it?s best to do this for ourselves. So she yearns for ?someone? in her life, no matter who. She settles for second-best to have the companionship and comfort that a partner brings. But she?ll never be well and truly happy until she finds out how to rely on herself for her good feelings and like herself enough to enjoy her own company. Once she can be alone and content she?ll learn to pick and choose. It must be hard for you witnessing this and having your lives disrupted on a regular basis. Persuade her to go for counselling. She needs help in learning to like herself and feel more confident, so that she?ll stick out for Mr. Right rather than just ?anybody?.

 Son who's afraid of life