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More and more young people turn to cutting or stabbing or burning themsleves nowadays in order to try and feel better. Some even combine these damaging behaviours with eating disorders so that they are continually abusing their bodies in one way or another. But no one hurts themselves like this without good reason. It will always be because of some deep unhappiness inside which they feel they can't deal with in other ways. They often wish they could stop - but find they simply can't as these abusive behaviours become their only way of coping with everything that feels wrong in their lives.
Friend is self-harming
Dear Dilys
My friend's been cutting herself. I don't know what to do or say to her.
Lilly
Dear Lilly,
It can be really frightening, knowing one of your friends is so unhappy that she wants to hurt herself in this way. Try not to focus too much on the self-harm, or begin to think you can do anything to help 'fix' it. You can't. This is a big issue and far too big for you to handle alone. Anyone who takes a knife or blade to their skin to cause damage which leads to bleeding must be doing it because they are really really unhappy. So what your friend probably needs most of all is good friends who'll listen to her...but not about the cutting. It's much more to do with listening to what's going on in her life to make her so unhappy. If you ever find her upset, use this as your way in. Ask her what's wrong. Ask if she'd like to talk. Tell her you're always there for her if ever she does want to talk. And from now on try to keep an eye out for any signals that she's in the mood to offload. Don't feel you have to work extra hard to cheer her up. Just be normal around her, and if she wants to be down, just let her. That's the kind of supportive treatment that is likely to make her feel loved and cared for and more likely to open up to you when she needs to. But when she does, remember that all you can do is listen. You can't make things right for this friend but you can steer her towards some professional help. So encourage her to get help from wherever she can...either through a sensitive GP or school nurse, but preferably someone with proper counselling skills. If you don't have a school counsellor try and find an outside agency where your friend can get free confidential counselling. And accompany her to the first meeting, if that will help get her there. The sessions themselves will have to be confidential but she might be glad of your morale support in getting there and coming away. And if you find that supporting your friend takes its toll on you, then please don't hesistate to get some support for yourself too - from a caring responsible adult. You don't have to disclose who your friend is to this adult but you shouldn't have to shoulder all this alone.
Dilys
Granddaughter's cutting herself
Dear Dilys,
We were shattered recently to learn that our 13 year old grand-daughter is cutting herself. It seems she uses a razor-blade and cuts her arms. This is something so alien to us that we’re left reeling. How can a delightful young thing like her want to harm herself so? What must she be feeling to drive herself to this? And what about the scars? Won't they be with her for the rest of her life? Do you think there's anything we can do to help?
Bee
Dear Bee,
Your grand-daughter must be feeling deeply unhappy to want to hurt herself in this way. Cutting is often an outward expression of pain deep inside. It’s a sad element of society today, that young people are so often prepared to hurt themselves in this drastic fashion rather than being able to confide in friends or family and ask for help.
From my experience of working with young people who self-harm, it often seems to me that they feel they don’t have anyone to turn to. They know that things feel really wrong, that they don’t seem to fit in with their families or friendship groups. But they somehow feel that they have to strive hard to keep up appearances, to be everything to everyone, to pretend all is well. So instead of letting the mask slip, they quietly go off to their rooms to inflict damage on themselves rather than simply letting everyone know how unsafe, unhappy and unstable they are feeling.
The very act of cutting seems to provide relief from pain for these young people, even if only momentarily.
So probably the best thing you can do for your grand-daughter, if you’re close enough to her, is to try and find out what’s making her so unhappy. Offer her some good, non-judgmental listening and promise her that it’s in total confidence. Try and find out if she’s feeling under pressure academically, is having trouble with friends, or simply feels that she has to ‘be’ a certain way in order to be accepted at home. That’s the kind of information you’re after. Then you may be able to help alleviate some of the pressures or help her see how much she’s loved simply for being herself.
However, she may choose not to confide in you simply because you’re family and therefore a bit too ‘close to home’. In which case get her some outside help, like counselling, so that she can speak openly and freely about her unhappiness - knowing that it will be confidential. The sooner she gets help and is able to unburden herself, the less lasting damage she’s likely to do and the fewer scars she’ll end up with.
Good Luck
Dilys