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This is where you'll find information concerning sex and sexuality....
What age is best for first sexual experience?
Dear Dilys,
I'm 13 and want to know when you think it's OK to have sex. My boyfriend's older than me and says he'll take care of me and make sure I don't get pregnant. And I know lots of my friends have done it. But I'm not sure and I know my Mum would go crazy if she heard I'm even thinking of it this young. What do you think?
E
Dear E
There's no set time for anyone to be ready to have sex for the first time and it's very sensible of you to be taking the whole issue so seriously - and not letting yourself be pressured into it before it feels right for you. I'm sure you know that at 13 you are under age and so if you and your boyfriend did start having sex, you would be breaking the law. And if he is older than you then he could get into serious trouble for coercing you into it. Having said that, there are, of course, plenty of young people who do start having sex under age and it would be silly to pretend they didn't. However, it's always a good idea not to take too seriously whatever our friends say about sex! It's one of those areas which is prone to exaggeration and/or embellishment so take what your friends say with a pinch of salt. It's certainly not a good idea to be persuaded into having sex for the wrong reasons, in other words what your friends are up to, or what your boyfriend says. It's a big step to take and you need to feel really ready for it. Normally what happens in a good relationship is that the couple gradually explore more and more of each others' bodies until the time seems absolutely right to go that one step further. And if your boyfriend really cares for you, he'll be prepared to wait until it feels right for you. This is something you really need to talk through with him. Unfortunately, it's all too easy to get carried away in the heat of the moment, and if you've not made your views clear to each other, you could find yourself getting carried away one day when you're not really intending to. So make sure you let him know how you feel ...and make sure he's the kind of person who respects your views and feelings. If he continues to try to rail-road you, he can't truly have your interests at heart and it would probably be better to wait for a kinder boyfriend to come along. If, however, after a lot of thought you feel you are ready to experiment, then remember there are lots of things you can experiment with without having full penetrative sex. This will also ensure you don't have to worry about getting pregnant. But if you do decide to go ahead and have full sex, be sure you insist your boyfriend wears a condom. This will protect you both from pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.
Dilys
Worried my girlfriend might be pregnant but when to go for a test?
Dear Dilys
My girlfriend and I had sex for the first time last week and now she's worried she might be pregnant. We did have a bit of a problem with fitting the condom and I'm worried some sperm might have got through. Should she go for a test?
Anon
Dear Anon,
A pregnancy test won't show up any result unless you wait at least two weeks from the date of having sex. So make sure you keep an eye on the time and encourage your girlfriend to go for a test the minute the fortnight is up. Going to a professional would be a good idea for they are expert an analysing these tests and are likely, also, to be able to reassure you and offer you good advice on what to do if she should be pregnant. If she doesn't feel like going to her own GP, tests are sometimes available at local Youth Enquiry Services...and certainly available at your local GUM clinic in the nearest hospital. OFten there are walk-in clinics where you don't have to make an appointment and you can rest assured you and your girlfriend will be treated in total confidence.
Dilys
Coming out to friends and parents
Dear Dilys,
I’m 14 and have finally come to the conclusion that I’m gay. This has been troubling me for ages so it feels like a bit of a relief to admit it to myself. However, I’m finding it difficult to know what next? I’ve confided in one friend and she is urging me to tell the rest of our group. But the idea of this really freaks me out. They are often slagging off gay people so I don’t know how they’d handle it. And I don’t want to lose their friendship. Then there’s the problem of my family. My Dad will just die. And I’m not sure that my Mum will be any more help. I’m sure they’re expecting me just to turn out like everyone else, marry and have babies etc. Do you think I should just keep quiet?
Leonora
Dear Leonora,
It sounds like you’ve reached a turning point. It seems that this idea of being gay has been on your mind for some time but it’s only recently that you’ve become really clear about it all. So it’s still early days and probably a good idea not to rush in to doing anything in a hurry.
Who you want to tell and how you want to tell them will surely become clearer as you yourself get more used to the idea. It sounds as if you’re really worried about other peoples’ reactions and that you fear their judgements. So don’t feel you have to tell anyone until you feel really confident about doing so and fairly sure that you can trust them to take you seriously. And when you do decide to tell people, make sure you pick an occasion when there is plenty of time to talk, so that you can feel free to say whatever you want to and get everything off your chest.
You may like to preface this chat with a few words along the lines of: “Now listen, I have something to tell you and I want you to hear me out and to try to put yourself in my shoes and be really understanding. I’d prefer it if you didn’t try to argue with me or tell me I’m wrong”.
Otherwise you may find that everyone very quickly jumps in to try and ‘sort you out’!
But Leonora, you’re not alone in having this worry about how to come out as gay. Plenty of people have experience of exactly your situation so how about talking to some of them? There are usually Gay Groups in the local area who offer telephone helplines which provide the chance to chat over exactly this kind of concern. You could talk to people who’ve broken similar news to their nearest and dearest and pick up hints and tips from them. It will feel really reassuring to know there are others who understand exactly how you feel……particularly when those in your immediate circle may not.
You could get to meet other gay youngsters of around your age and build up a network of friends and support. Then you wouldn’t ever need to feel isolated and alone and would know that there would always be someone on hand to talk to.
Dilys
Questions around sexuality
Dear Dilys
I'm 20 and having difficulty with my sexuality. From 15 onwards I was attracted to sex with men so I was sure I was gay. But just recently I've been getting turned on by girls even though I've never had a relationship with one. I'm petrified of getting involved with a girl in case it all goes wrong. What should I do?
Dan
Dear Dan,
Why put so much pressure on yourself? You sound as if you’re caught up in a whole load of anxiety around this subject. I guess you need to try to relax a little. What would be wrong with going with the flow, getting to know some girls and taking it gently...waiting to see how your feelings develop? The trouble is that at the moment, it sounds as if you're viewing each new girl you may meet as a potential relationship. And that's what's petrifying you.
Why not take the pressure off and just concentrate on meeting as many girls as you can and see what ensues? You don't have to get involved with any of them if you don't want to. You don't have to enter into any relationship until you feel absolutely ready.
You're young, you have plenty of time ahead and yours is an ideal age to be sorting all this out. In fact it may surprise you to learn that you’re certainly not alone in having this uncertainty. Many young people find themselves unsure of their sexuality and worry how to sort it out.
If, in the course of meeting and mixing with more and more girls, you find one that particularly attracts you, then you'll most probably find things come naturally to you as you gradually get to know her. Any relationship takes time to develop. It's not often that people go from meeting someone straight into a full-on relationship. So there should be plenty of time for you to work out your feelings as you go and decide if this is the right course for you. If everything feels OK and natural.
If you find the girl for you, things will probably happen naturally and one stage will lead gently into the next so you'll never have that 'petrifying' moment which you seem to feel is hanging over you right now.
But don't pin too many hopes on everything working out right away. There’s no hurry. Don't forget that you're at that stage which is all about finding out what you want out of life, and for trying out all kinds of experiences. It may be that you need to try having more than one girlfriend and maybe some more boyfriends before you fully know your own mind. So be careful not to beat yourself up over any relationship that doesn't last. View them all as experience and learn what you can from them.
Be patient with yourself ; don’t let others pressure you; stay aware of your own feelings - and I'm sure everything will become clear.
Dilys
Sex with boyfriend's best friend
Dear Dilys,
A few weeks ago my boyfriend’s best friend called in when my boyfriend was at work. He had just split up from his long-term girlfriend and was very upset. I did my best to comfort him and we spent a long time chatting. The next day he was back again, we realised we were attracted to each other and ended up having passionate sex. My best ever. And the next day, and the next. Now I don’t know what to do. I thought I loved my b.f but now I’m not so sure. But I do know he loves me and that makes me feel I shouldn’t leave him.
Cally
Dear Cally,
You seem – a bit belatedly – keen to take your boyfriend’s feelings into account. They didn’t seem to bother you when you cheated on him so it seems as if there must have been a few cracks in your relationship anyway. But if you really do want to do the right thing by your boyfriend, please try to bide your time and don’t do anything too hasty.
For a start, you certainly need time to sort out your feelings for your boyfriend. As you say, you always ‘thought you loved him’, and it’s possible you still do. You could be blinded by the excitement of the new affair and you certainly seem in thrall to the good sex you’re experiencing with the other man. And good sex can be a great driver. So much so that you may not be noticing everything else about him and maybe even not in a position to judge whether he’s the type of man you’d want as a life-time partner. Let alone knowing if he’s even considering you in the same vein.
Certainly if you really came to the conclusion that you no longer loved your boyfriend, it wouldn’t be fair to stay with him and the kindest course of action would be to tell him so. He may love you deeply but it needs two of you to care to make the relationship work. If you two could really commit you could take steps to give your sex life the boost that’s clearly needed. And that might prove the cement that’s needed to keep you together long-term.
Perhaps some time away from both of them would be helpful. Then you could sit down and try to remember what attracted you to your boyfriend in the first place, and what it is that you ‘thought’ you loved about him. You could take a long, hard look at just how good the relationship was and whether you two would have been likely to stay together if you hadn’t cheated on him. And you could try to ascertain whether there’s any future for you with the other man. Remember that sex is only one aspect of a relationship. Other things like mutual respect, sharing interests and goals, enjoying each other’s company, having fun, making each other laugh and feel good can be just as important. So if it’s a matter of choosing between them, choose the one who ticks the boxes in most of these departments rather than the one who’s best in bed.
Dilys
Problems with sexual performance
Dear Dilys,
I’ve met a woman who is everything I need in a woman – kind, gentle, loving, fun good looking and we have a lot in common. We make each other happy and have even talked about marriage, but when it comes to sex, I cannot seem to perform with her. I’ve never really done it with someone I care for…and I’m worried that I won’t come ‘up to scratch’ so I’ve been putting it off. This is now coming between us but I don’t feel I could cope with going to a sex therapist or doctor.
J
Dear J,
It sounds as if the pressure of having found someone you really care for is making you unduly anxious about the sex act and worried that you’ll let her down in some way.
The trouble is that you’re in the middle of a viscious circle. The more you worry about this and worry about whether or not you’ll be able to satisfy her, the more likely you are
It sounds as if you’re frightened…fear of failure perhaps? And the trouble is that once this kind of fear gets a hold in your brain, it can be devastating to sexual performance. Admit your fears and concerns to your partner. Tell her how things are wonderful in every other respect but that your love and care for her feel as if they’re putting you under unusually difficult pressure. Together, by working this out, you should be able to find enough ways of pleasing each other which don’t involve full sex. And hopefully, as you gradually relax around her, perhaps your urges will return.
Dilys
Sex before/outside marriage
Dear Dilys,
How many partners do you think it's ok to have before marriage? My mates and I were swapping notes the other night and they were all shocked when I said I'd been to bed with at least 30 women. They seem to think it will become a problem when I want to settle down, that any future wife won't want to know it's so many. Do you recommend trying to keep this a secret or being open about it?
Jed
Dear Jed,
If only there were some rules, life would be so much simpler for you wouldn't it!
But there aren't and it's simply impossible to predict what any future partner of yours may think about your past love-life. It's certainly not something I'd bring into the conversation very early on in any new relationship.
It seems to me that people fall into two types. First there are those who see no point in being jealous about anything that happened in the past. They take the attitude that as you were a perfectly free agent before you met, your previous love-life is your affair and only yours.
But then there are the other types, people who simply seem to be born jealous, and those are the ones who are much more difficult to please. They can make relationships really tricky because they're likely to be jealous of anything - from a mild peck on the cheek or a glance across a room, to a full-blown affair. They’ll want to know all about your previous relationships and then probably use them against you. They can find even the thought of you once caring for someone else as some kind of threat to themselves. Anyone entering into a relationship with someone like this has to be very wary of everything they say and do....and it can mean a lifetime of treading carefully.
So surely the best and most important thing you can do for yourself is to pick your future life partner very carefully! And then act accordingly. If she's a jealous type you may be in for a rough ride and may find it simplest to keep your past from her.
If on the other hand, she turns out to be a happy-go-lucky-type who couldn't care less what's gone on in your life before meeting you, then once you know each other really well and feel you can trust each other, you may feel perfectly free to share the numbers with her.
So go softly. Be wary of how much you say until you know what bracket any new girlfriend falls into. And judge it all moment by moment.
But at the end of the day, as long as you are a good and faithful partner, as long as you've always practised safe sex and have no infections or diseases to pass on, and as long as your previous partners aren't going to pop up one day out of the woodwork and make life a misery, then there's no real reason why the number of conquests you've made should affect a long-term relationship.
Dilys
Visiting prostitutes
Dear Dilys,
I am a man who likes to visit prostitutes. Sometimes I just want someone to talk to and some affection. I have a flagging sex drive anyway and do not really enjoy the experience that much. Where's the best place to meet women for friendship, company and romance. Any suggestions and advice would be helpful.
S. T.
Dear S.T.
It sounds as if you turn to prostitutes out of a desire for friendship and company rather than simply for sex. That may explain why you feel your sex drive is flagging and why the whole experience of going with a prostitute never proves very satisfactory. Sex is always best when it happens between two people who really care for each other and are excited by each others' bodies. If you’re finding it increasingly difficult to become aroused when visiting prostitutes, it may well be because there is no emotional involvement and you find the whole experience too clinical.
So it sounds an excellent idea to concentrate on trying to meet new people for friendship and romance in the hope that you may find a relationship that will eventually lead to a good sex life for you. You need to find somebody who turns you on, somebody who arouses every fibre of your being, somebody you feel you can't live without. Then you may find that all problems with your sex drive become a thing of the past.
Finding places to meet such people is always difficult. You don't say what age you are, but my advice is the same whatever your age group.
Have a think about what interests you most in life, what you're passionate about. Then take up some activity/activities connected with that. If you can join a club or go to a group which enables you to meet like-minded people who share your passions, you'll have something in common with these people immediately which will break the ice. You’ll find it easier to chat to people if you can talk about something that really interests you. And this could lead on to developing good solid friendships.
You'll also be meeting like-minded people who'll probably be more than willing to join you in outings/dates. It always feels easier to approach someone with a view to a date if you know they'll be interested in coming. So if you do your research carefully and plan outings connected with these interests you may find plenty of takers. And the more friends you make the more likely you are to meet even more people through them. So try to widen your circle by whatever means possible and when meeting new people try to present an open, interested attitude so that you appear approachable.
I often find that the people who worry most about making friends are the ones who are so shy, they tend to make themselves invisible. And then they wonder why others don't pay them any attention. So do your best to look friendly: smile a lot and encourage others to talk. If you can be interested in people and ask them lots of questions about themselves, they'll find you easy company and be drawn to you.
Dilys