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Stress seems to have become part of modern life. Although I dare say stress has always been around, we know a lot more about it nowadays. Sometimes it can be a good thing...a little bit of stress that raises our adrenalin levels can spur us on to great things. But sometimes it can bring us right down. All kinds of stress feature here:
Exam stress
Dear Dilys,
I have two daughters, born two years apart, so that one is now 16 and one 18. This means that they are both going through a really stressful time at present, one with GCSE’s and the other A levels. The atmosphere at home is tensing up by the minute. What can I do to take some pressure off and help us all through this critical period?
Jean
Dear Jean,
No one ever tells us when we’re pregnant that spacing our kids out by a couple of years – which seems ideal in so many respects - will lead to a double-whammy of exam stress come their teens!
The most important thing is to consider each daughter’s needs separately. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that they must both be going through the same set of feelings, fears, anxieties. Everyone reacts to stress in a different way and each of your daughters probably has her own distinct coping mechanism. It’s important to recognise this and acknowledge their differences. One may like a fuss made of her; the other may not. Be sensitive to this. It’s not a bad idea to be up-front and ask: “How do you want me to ‘be’ around you over the next few weeks?” One may say: “Leave me alone!” The other may say: “Just to know that you’re going to be here every evening will help me through”.
Make sure they have plenty of space and privacy for revision. Don’t fix up family gatherings or outings that will interfere with their plans. On the other hand, encourage them to build in lots of relaxation. They need time away from work to let their hair down, and take their minds of all their worries and anxieties. Let them choose how to spend their free time, but make sure they have plenty.
A bit of pampering can go a long way, so cook them their favourite meals, run them a candle-lit bath, and let up on the nagging. It’s not the end of the world if their rooms are a mess or the washing up doesn’t get done.
Beyond the practicalities, your attitude can help. Bad marks can happen for all kinds of reasons- including not enough work or misunderstanding a question. But there are so many other reasons as well, such as a badly-phrased question, misinformation from the school, a badly-prepared oral examiner…..all real-life circumstances reported to me recently by young people. So to do badly, or fail even, is not necessarily a true reflection of the amount of effort put in. Even when it is, it still doesn’t mean the end of all dreams and ambitions…. re-takes are always possible. Far better surely to see these exams as staging posts along the journey to their final aim. Not as an end in themselves. So pointing out to your youngsters that there is a world apart from exams and that there is always a chance to improve on any result may immediately take some pressure off.
Make sure they understand that as long as they do their best you’ll be pleased with them. That’s all they can do after all, and will help them realise that they’re not going to lose your love or respect if they stuff up.
Dilys
Finding life hard to cope with
Dear Dilys,
I’ve had a lonely life. I was made to bring up a child of someone else since I was 16 years old and all I’ve done is bring him up. I have a b/f who’s great and stuck by me for 4 years but we have ups and downs. His parents don’t like me as I’ve never had a job, all I did was bring up the child. But now they’re trying to like me after he confronted them. I’m going to be starting a new life later this year where I’m getting a job and having my own place but I keep getting upset and start crying because I find it hard to cope with life. I often wish I was dead because I feel there’s no way out. I’m fed up of people using me. I want to be strong and have a nice life.
D