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Suicide is a sensitive subject which is all too often swept under the carpet but for those left behind it has huge ramifications. 

Shock on learning mother committed suicide

Dear Dilys,

My mother died when I was 18 (I?m now 31) and I thought I?d got over the loss. I thought she?d died of a sudden stroke but only last month I learned that in fact she killed herself. But my step-dad chose not to tell us. This has left me churned up, lost, feeling cheated and unsure of everything around me.

Maisie

Dear Maisie,

News like this is bound to come as a shock, so be patient and kind to yourself while you absorb it. It?s hardly surprising that you feel ?unsure of everything? for all your certainties were suddenly swept away and this is big enough news to unsettle anyone.

It sounds as if your Stepdad thought he was doing you ? and your mother ? a favour by covering up this news at the time. Suicide is such a big deal that people inevitably feel daunted by it and uncertain of the correct response - if there is such a thing as a correct response!

Of course, there could be other reasons why he chose to keep this news from you. Maybe he thought you?d blame him in some way. . But it inevitably throws a whole new light on your view of your mother and leaves you with all kinds of unanswered questions. So if you are still in touch with him the first thing to do, surely, is to make contact and ask for any more bits of information he may have. You?re entitled to ask for this, at least, so that by having all the remaining pieces of the jigsaw you may come to understand your mother?s state of mind a bit better and make sense of it all. If you?re not in touch with your Stepdad, then find out what you can instead from any friends or relatives.

It could be, of course, that there are no explanations to be had. She may not have shared the inner workings of her mind with anyone. So be prepared for that outcome; this journey you?re about to undertake may not be totally satisfactory and you may be left wondering at the end of it. Whatever you do, guard against blaming yourself for anything. People who manage to take their own lives successfully have usually planned this action thoroughly - which just goes to illustrate just how set they are on taking this way out and how it would most probably have been impossible for anyone to talk them out of it. And, more often than not, it will be a whole heap of things that have combined to make them feel this desperate. So it?s most unlikely that at the tender age of 18 you could have been responsible in any way.

You may find - in the light of this new information ? that you need to grieve for the loss of your mother all over again. In which case, be patient with yourself while you go through all the usual stages of numbness, shock, despair, and anger even. Find a sympathetic listener to talk with as often as you like, until, finally, you reach a stage of accepting that this was your mother?s life and her choice.

Dilys