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Dear Dilys,
How do I go about finding help for my best friend who I know is cutting herself and may also be anorexic?
JG
Dear JG,
It's kind of you to want to look after your friend and to find her help. You do need to tread carefully, though. Your friend is obviously desperately unhappy, or she woudn't be doing these things to herself. But that doesn't mean she's necessarily ready to accept that she needs help. Some people use these destructive behaviours as their way of coping with inner turmoil. And, as long as they are cutting or starving themselves, they can feel they're getting on OK. Also, cutting and not eating are very private things, and not everyone wants to talk about what they do.......! So, although your intentions are good, be very careful how you approach your friend. I usually suggest that it's best to avoid talking about the self-harm or the eating disorder but to concentrate, instead, on simply befriending your friend, telling her that you're always there for her if she wants to talk or offload, and keeping an eye out for how she is on a day-to-day basis, grabbing an opportunity when you can simply to ask her how she is. Unfortunately, she may not give much away in her responses. She may just say 'fine' and keep repeating it despite all outward appearances! But if you're lucky and gently persistent, one day she may unbend a little and offer you more - some glimpse of her true inner feelings. And if this happens, go with the flow. Make sure you listen carefuly to what she says, acknowledge everything (just a few nods, or 'mms' are often enough here) and make sure you never argue with her about her feelings, or attempt to 'jolly' her out of them. She knows best how she feels and the best thing you can do help is to allow her to express this in her own way. When she's finished off-loading, the best thing then is to ask how you can help, or if there's anything you can do to help, or ask what would she like you to do.....? Encourage her, by all means, at this stage to get professional help - from a counsellor or GP, offer to accompany her on a visit, or help her fix up an appointment. But be prepared for the fact that she may not be ready to go for help. And that it won't be any use to her until she's ready. So she needs to work this out for herself.
Good Luck with this JG. It's not easy to help and support a friend who's going through all of this.....but it's wonderful that you want to try. And she's lucky to have a good friend who cares as much as you do. But be aware that you can't do all of this alone.....so try not to take it all on, and be sure you find some support for yourself to help you support your friend.
Dilys
Dear Dilys,
I'm 13 years old. I live with my mum and dad and two brothers and a sister. I'm the second in the family. The youngest is my brother aged 3. He was born with an incurable disease and we all know he won't live that long. Probably not much after his late teens. We all love him a lot even though he can be really hard work. What bothers me is that since his arrival the whole family has changed. We don't seem to have any fun any more. Things are just serious. We only do things that he can join in which means I don't get to go ice-skating or rock-climbing any more. And our parents don't really notice the rest of us and they spend most of their lives either at hospitals or on the internet trying to research some miracle treatments. I don't want to seem mean but really he's ruining all our childhoods. How can I get them to see that this total concentration on him isn't doing the rest of us any good?
Martha
Dear Martha,
You sound like you have a very wise head on young shoulders. Life must have been very difficult for the whole family since your little brother was born and I dare say the fact that you know he doesn't have long to live means you've all had to think hard about how you live your lives. It's probably been an enormous struggle for your parents - both physically and emotionally, and it doesn't seem that surprising to an outsider like me that they've ended up putting him first and spending most of their time trying to 'make him better'. However, I can also see how that makes the rest of you feel. It seems as if, for the last three years, everything has revolved around him. And that the rest of you feel pretty left out. It also seems sad that you don't feel you have any fun any more. Again, understandable, but difficult for you. I can't help thinking, though, that the whole family would benefit from a bit of time away from the worry and concern about the incurable disease. So I wonder if you mightn't actually be doing your parents a favour by letting them know just what you feel about some of this. How would it feel to tell them about the missing fun element? To explain that you love your brother just as much as they do, and want him to live if at all possible, and to enjoy the time he has left with you. But to go on to explain, also, that if life isn't ever any fun, none of you can really enjoy it...! And that it doesn't feel as if you're all making the most of the precious time you have with him. Perhaps you could think about some ways you could all have fun together and suggest those. And then, when you're feeling brave enough, go on to explain that you'd also like to be able to resume some of the activities you used to enjoy. You could make sure they understand that you'd need to fit this in around your brother and his needs, that you understand he needs to come first most of the time, but also suggest that if the rest of you never get to do things on your own, you're not really leading normal lives. The key thing here will be to try to make sure you don't sound as if you're blaming or criticising your parents. Try instead to bring up the subject as something you'd like to work on with them, as a joint family effort, so that they know you're in this together and you're not wanting to act against them. Good Luck with this Martha - and let me know how you get on....
Dilys
Hi Dilys,
I'm worried because I think I'm gay but i've got no one to talk to about this. I'm 13 and I've never had a boyfriend and my friends laugh at me too. But I've not wanted a boyfriend as I've never found any boy I've met fit. I do like some of my girlfriends, though, and that's what made me think I'm gay. I'd much rather spend time with them and I often find myself thinking I want to kiss one of them. There's this one in particular that I'm attracted to and I think about her all the time. What should I do - I wouldn't know how to tell her and would be too scared anyway. But I can't tell anyone else and ask advice....please help me.
E
Dear E
It's probably important at your age not to worry too much about this. You are still young and, as you say yourself, you've not had any relationships yet. There's no real reason to force the issue: if you're prepared to keep an open mind about your sexuality and wait and see what develops for you naturally, I guess something will one day happen to confirm things for you. You may well be gay, in which case you'll find yourself increasingly attracted to girls. But it could also be that you're in that stage many young people go through where they have big questions around their sexuality and feel a bit confused as to how they truly feel. If you can be patient with yourself, I'm sure things will gradually become clearer. The other important thing is not to let yourself feel pressured into having either boyfriends or girlfriends at your age. I know lots of young people pair off early - but it doesn't mean you have to. You need to do what's right for you - and not just to fit in with other people and their ideas of how you 'should' live your life.
If you bide your time with this girl you like, eventually you'll probably find out if she has any feelings for you. And it's probably better to find that out before you pluck up courage to mention anything to her. It's never easy to know what to say, but usually if people like each other, they grow closer naturally and you'll probably find yourselves doing more and more together and sharing more and more about yourselves with each other. And it will become easier, with that closeness, to find the right thing to say at the right time.
Biding your time is probably a good plan generally, and if, as the weeks, months and years go by, you find you've confirmed the fact that you're gay, then try to seek out a local support group where you can go along and meet up with other young gay people. You'll find it really helpful to swap notes with other people, hear of their experiences and realise that you're not alone in trying to find a way through this situation. And you'll also probably get help from them about the best way to tell people. This is often a minefield and it would be good to have some advice to guide you through it. Usually, though, i'd recommend that you don't even think of telling anyone else until you've worked out exactly what you're going to say; that you practise, first, on someone who's likely to be most sympathetic; and that you always start by asking for that friend's full attention, and that they listen carefully to what you're about to tell them, without interupting or contradicting you or telling you how they think you 'should' be feeling. A good friend should be able to do this, so start with one of those. And you'll grow more practised at all of this as time goes by...so that eventually you can build up to telling all the other people that you're worrying about.
Dilys
Dear Dilys,
I'm 14 and have never had a boyfriend. My friends all look down on me cos they've all had loads of boyfriends. Even my Nan and Grandad keep asking when I'm going to find myself a boy. I'm beginning to worry somethings wrong with me
Naim
Dear Naim,
I know there's lots of pressure on you nowadays to start dating young. And I imagine loads of your friends have had boyfriends and girlsfriends by now. But this most certainly doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. We're all different. We all mature at different ages. Some of us are shyer and more retiring than others. Some are easier in mixed company. Some seem to get along with anyone and everyone. And thjere are even those - dare I say it? - who are prepared to settle for any kind of relationship just so as they can say they've got a boy/girlfriend. It sounds as if you might be a bit more discerning and haven't yet found anybody you like enough to pair off with. Next time you feel someone's looking down on you, try telling them that it's just that you haven't found the right boy yet. That's all there is to it. However, having said all that, I guess you're still anxious to try and find out why you seem to be one or two steps behind everyone else. Could it be that you are a bit lacking in self-confidence? That you're not quite sure what you have to offer to a boy? And could that, perhaps, be colouring how you behave around them? Could you be the 'shrinking violet'? The one who hangs back a bit and doesn't have much to say for herself? If you recognise that in yourself then the only way you're going to be able to change things is to make some changes to how you come across. So that even if you don't feel very confident inside, try at least to appear it. Keep your head up, give people eye contact and smile a lot. That way you'll appear approachable. And if you can then practise one or two general phrases which will encourage people to talk to you, that too will help. Simple things, like: 'how's it going?'....or 'what have you been up to then?'....anything which takes the focus off you and makes you seem friendly and interested. People are usually drawn to those who seem to like them and ask interesting questions. So try to make this your special skill. You can always try it out on people you don't know first....like those in shops or post offices etc. Use them to practise on! And then as you grow more confident with your conversational skills, you'll find it easier to talk to boys that you like the look of and they'll be drawn to you too. Good Luck with this Naimh...and once you've had a bit of practice why not write back to let me know how you're getting on?
Dilys
Dear Dilys
I had sex with a boy 2 weeks ago and we started without a condom. Then he put a one on but since then he's told somebody that we had sex without a condom. My period's now 6 days late but i took a pregnancy test which came out negative. However i am worried that the test may be wrong because my period is not normally late. should i just take another test?
Anon (17)
Dear Anon
This sounds worrying for you. It sounds as if you're left feeling a bit confused now as to whether or not your partner was wearing a condom for the appropriate bit of sex...ie when he came. The trouble is, as you may know, that pregnancy tests won't usually show a pregnancy up until at least two weeks after sex. You say it is 'about' two weeks ago....but if it's not more than two weeks ago it could well be that the last pregnancy test you took was a bit too soon.
Try and find a local sexual health clinic ...most of these will have a clinic designed specifically for young people under 18. where the staff will be are used to dealing with situations like this and be very experienced in reading pregnancy tests. They'll be kind and friendly and pleased to see you. They'll also be happy to give you any advice you may need and you may find it more reassuring than attempting to do the test on your own. And if the test did come out positive then you'd be in the best place for advice about what to do next. If its negative then you'll have peace of mind.
I hope this helps. I would add here though that the fact that your partner has been talking about what you did together with other people rings alarm bells for me. That doesn't sound as if he's treating you with the kind of respect you deserve. So be wary of getting too involved with someone like that. And be sure in future - no matter who you're with - to insist on a condom. It's the only way to be safe from sexually transmitted infections as well as pregnancy.
Dilys
My boyfriend of 9 years has dumped me...how can I make him see sense?
Dear Dilys
I'm 31 and my boyfriend of 9 years has just dumped me. He did this just after Christmas when I was least expecting it.....
I was looking forward to a holiday we'd planned in February and making plans to celebrate our anniversary next month. Now I find myself completely bereft and down in the dumps. At my age, it's going to be hard to make a new start. I dread New Year's Eve and all the false jollity that involves...indeed I'm telling all my friends to leave me alone as I won't want to go out this year. But the thing that's really bugging me is that I know my b/f really loves me. I know he's making a big mistake. We're made for each other - everybody says so. Yet he won't listen to me when i tell him so. My sister's tried telling him too and he just won't listen. How can I make him see sense?
Marny
Dear Marny,
9 years is a long time for a relationship ....no wonder you feel so shocked and surprised at being dumped. It sounds as if you didn't have a clue either, that anything like this was coming, which must have made it doubly hard. It also sounds as if you're finding it really hard to let go. In your eyes, as there was nothing obviously wrong with the relationship, you can't see why it had to end. But there must have been good reasons why your boyfriend decided it was time to let go. And - I would imagine - he might be the best judge of this himself. Presumably, he must have thought long and hard about this....it can't have been easy to end such a long relationship. The trouble is, that it seems as if it's really difficult for you to put yourself in his shoes and see how things might have felt from his point of view. With all your friends telling you that you were 'made for each other' and your sister volunterring to intervene, this only serves to confirm you in your view. And, unfortunately, this seems to be a very frustrating position to find yourself in....sure of something, yet unable to make any difference to the situation. The sad fact is Marny, that we really can't get inside anyone else's heart or mind, and it is, therefore, impossible for anyone except your boyfriend to know if he's done the right thing. I know this may be hard for you, but it might be easier on yourself in the long run if you could try to accept this. Once you've accepted that he doesn't love you any more, you'll find it easier to get over him. As long as you hang on to this hope that he must still love you, you can't begin the process of getting over him and getting on with your life. I realise this may not be what you want to hear right now, but I can promise you that the surest way of remaining on good terms with your ex will be to give him credit for knowing himself and for doing what feels right for him. If you choose instead to nag him, pester him and beg him to come back, you're much more likely to drive a wedge between you and drift further and further apart. If you can instead learn to respect his decision and let him know that you do, you could at least remain friends. And, to be honest, if there is any chance that his love can be rekindled, it's much more likely to be so by being friends than by becoming enemies.
Dilys
Should I pull girl who lives with my ex?
Dear Dilys,
My name is P, I'm 26, I live in Holloway and I'm a professional musician.
I've recently broken up by mutual consent with my girlfriend Amelie (we were
together for 8 years) after living together for a few months.
We realised that although we could live together, we were getting to the stage
where you either decide to commit for good or break up, see other people and
maybe get back together for good if it's meant to be.
After breaking up we still had to share our room for a month before I found a
place and moved out.
We're trying to stay friends and phone each other every now and then.
In that weird period of time, a girl called Gina moved in the house and I really
liked her. But I was still living with my ex... so I didn't try anything
although I thought she liked me a bit.
Last week I found out that my old flatmate Brendan ( who's tried to pull any
girl that ever stayed in our house) had pulled Gina after she was upset about a
loss in her family. Classy.
On tuesday night we all got together for Gina's birthday in a bar and it was the
first time I saw Amelie again since moving out.
Amelie and Brendan left early and Brendan asked me to take care of Gina...
I live in Holloway but I got in a cab with Gina to her house in Clerkenwell.
In the cab, (she was REALLY DRUNK) she told me I was amazing, that she missed me
and to forget Brendan. I was pleased but confused and didn't dare kissing her
and she was hugging me.
We got home and I could probably have made a move but I was in a room next to my
ex's room and Gina's boyfriend's!
I eventually left.
Now I don't know what to do. She lives with my ex but will go back to the US
next month and has been going out with my ex-flatmate for a few days... I'm kind
of friendly with him but would survive if we stopped talking.
Gina's emailing me every day, saying we should hang out but says she doesn't
remember anything that happened from the cab ride...
I can't stop thinking about her - I want to ask her out but that would be
"stealing her" from my ex flatmate and would be weird with Amelie.
What do you think I should do?
Thanks
xx
P
Dear P,
What a confusing situation - no wonder you can't decide what to do. It sounds like you're torn between following your heart, which would presumably lead to you going with your gut and asking Gina out....and your head which is telling you to be sensible because of both your ex and your ex-flatmate.
Bearing in mind that Gina is going back to the States soon (you don't say for how long though and I dare say that has a bearing on things....) the obvious way of sorting out your dilemma would surely be to go ahead with her wish to meet up and hang out. Because if you don't, you may never find out if you two could be good together and if there's a future in the relationship.
But because you've come up with two very good reasons not to see her again, it seems important to look at that and try to work out what your instinctive reluctance/hesitation is truly based on.
Is it really because you're worrying about upsetting your old flatmate and feeling weird around your ex? Or could this hesitation be telling you that deep down you still harbour a desire to get back together with Amelie....and don't want to do anything to jeopardise that relationship?
I know it's hard sometimes to work out our true feelings. It might be an idea to have a think about what feelings have cropped up for you whilst reading this email...what's made you cross/sad etc. and what's that saying to you?
And try asking yourself lots of 'what ifs?'.....as in 'what if' Gina didn't live with the others....how would you feel then? 'What if' you don't meet up and then she goes back to the States and you never see her again. 'What if' Amelie finds out you're going out...how will you feel about that. And 'what if' you don't follow up this opportunity and she disappears back to the States? How would you feel then?
Presumably the whole point of your break with Amelie is to find out what it's like to date other people as well as how you feel about each other. I realise that this situation is more complicated than usual because of all your living arrangements....but presumably you could ask Amelie what she'd think if you met up with Gina. That might help both of you sort out exactly where you stand.
Hope this is helpful. Please feel free to share any further doubts/worries/feelings with me...there's no limit on the number of emails to and from this site.
And good luck....
Dilys
Sex with my bestfriends b/f
I had sex with my best friends boyfriend at the weekend. It was a kind of accident - i didn't really want it to happen - but I'm sure he told me he loved me and well we got carried away. Anyway now he's telling me he still loves her that it didn't mean anything and that I've got to get over it. I feel so bad now cos I've let her down and I feel stupid. But do I tell her about her cheating boyfriend or try to keep this to myself?
Sweet Sixteen
Hello Fern,
This is a difficult choice for you - as you're pretty much in a no-win situation. If you say nothing, you're enabling your friend's relationship with this cheating boy to continue. And I guess, under any other circumstances you'd want to be warning her off someone like him. On the other hand, if you do speak out you're endangering your own friendship with her and basically risk losing her as a friend. Try putting yourself in her shoes and work out how she'd feel about the pair of you if she knew. I guess she'd want to be shot of both of you....her friend hasn't exactly been loyal and nor has her boyfriend. So perhaps she'd think you'd make a good pair! However, you can't ever be sure of someone's reaction and that's what makes this situation such a minefield. You really haven't a clue whether she'll thank you for being open and honest or curse you for having led her boyfriend astray. The whole crux of the matter, seems, to me to depend on how you're going to feel about having to keep this whole issue quiet. And how you're going to react to seeing your friend and her boyfriend going around acting out the perfect couple. If you're the kind of person who, deep down, doesn't like having secrets from those you're close to; if you believe, basically, in being open and honest about everything, then you may find that for your own peace of mind you're going to have to front up to your friend and confess all. That will do nothing for your relationship, I'm sure, but it may well help you feel better about things. You may feel that it's worth losing the friendship for your own peace of mind. However, if you're the kind who can pretend fairly easily, who doesn't have a problem with keeping secrets and just getting on with life, then perhaps your better option is to try and protect her from this news. HOwever, bear in mind that your whole opinion of her relationship will be coloured from now on. Every time you see him flirting with some girl, you're going to be tempted to tell all just to protect her from further hurt. It's not an easy situation to be in...and if you really can't envisage a future being on edge and bursting to tell, then perhaps it would be better to get it all out in the open sooner rather than later.
Dilys
Dear Dilys,
Mmmm. I've been thinking about what you say and I'm still finding it hard to decide what to do. You're right: every time I see my friend and her boyfriend together I think what a rat he is and why doesn't she see through him? But Idon't really want to be the one who brings her down...so I'm still keeping mum and waiting to see what happens. But I'm not happy. This thing keeps me awake at night and makes me feel a really bad person, a no-good friend.
SS
Dear SS
The key thing here seems to be to sort out your own motivation for whatever it is you decide to do. If holding on to this secret is keeping you awake at night, then - probably - you're going to feel better in yourself once you offload. But have a think about what this will do to your friend and your relationship before rushing in. You may feel better....she'll undoubtedly feel worse. And you may find yourself having to deal with strong emotions from her - and possibly a great deal of anger directed at you. This could be therapeutic for you, enable you to feel really bad about yourself for a while and eventually help you move on. But it may turn her world upside down.
So I suppose this is a matter of weighing up how important your peace of mind is to you, in relation to how important the friendship is. If the only way you can feel better is to risk losing the friendship, then that may have to happen.
On the other hand, if you could try and look at the whole situation more objectively, and see things from your friend's point of view, then you might come to a different conclusion.
Have a think about how you'd feel if the roles were reversed. Would you want this bit of information, or not? And how would it make you feel? And what if it came out later rather than sooner, what would that do to the friendship?
Dilys
Dear Dilys,
The thing is that with the passage of time I'm beginning to feel less bad about what I did. My friend and her boyfriend are still together, still seeming happy and it dawned on me the other day that the longer this goes on, the less likely I am to ever confess to her what happened. It's like I'm getting used to the status quo and beginning to feel OK with it. But then that worries me a bit too.....like am I latching on to any excuse just not to have to face up to her with the truth? In other words am I clutching at any straw in order to avoid having this converation with her? i don't know. i really don't. I do know though that I get cold feet if I ever think about telling her.....
SS
Dear SS
It sounds as if, for the moment, you are finding it easier to keep mum and preserve the friendship. You've clearly been doing a lot of 'weighing up' and this is the way the scales are balanced at the moment. But you sound really self-aware, which is good, for it means you'll always be questioning your own motives. And that is, surely, a good way to keep yourself on an even keel and do 'the right thing' - whatever that may be at any given time. You're right, with the passage of time, things may come to feel less burdensome. Sometimes people can convince themselves that things didn't happen, or convince themselves of untruths just by pretending to themselves and then reminding themselves over and over again that a particularly thing didn't happen. The trouble with that kind of behaviour is that it can store up problems for the future. Burying things away, denying them, can feel OK in the short term but can lead to longer term problems. It often seems to me that these things have their own life......and whatever we do about them, or however clever we think we are in managing them, sometimes they will pop up to surprise us when we least expect it or when it's least convenient! However, that doesn't mean you're managing this the wrong way. I realise it's difficult for you, but going by your gut instinct is surely going to best in the long run. And for the moment, your gut instinct is telling you to keep the secret. The one thing I 'd caution, though, is that you don't store this bit of information away until it's convenient to you to let it out. In other words, guard carefully against ever being tempted to drop this boy in it by dumping on him just cos it suits you. Do you see what I mean? It's going to be really important, at all times, to keep your girlfriend's interests in mind here, and probably value them ahead of your own.
Hope this helps.
Dilys